I was walking in the local shopping mall the other night and saw something at one of those in-the-middle-of-the-floor-kiosks-that-look-like-pushcarts. At first glance, it looked (and sounded) like a screen from a circa 1980s video game, done over in color printing and enlivened with rapidly blinking LEDs in a variety of colors. And with the sounds. What was it? Galaxian? Galaga? Who would make such a thing? Who, for that matter, would buy it?
As I got closer I slowly realized that it wasn’t a screen from a video game at all. Those things I’d taken for Galaxian shiops were really crosses. That weitrd shape in the middle was Christ on a cross surrounded by blinking LEDs.
It was the Souped-up, Electronic-Music-Enhanced, Blinking-LED-spangled Crucifiction Scene on Mount Golgotha.
It was one of those stands run by Asian folk, selling inexpensive electronic gewgaws. I had to wonder if they realized how many of their prospective clients here in the heavily Italian north of Boston would find this blasphemous. Heck, I’m an agnostic and I think this is in appalling taste!
I haven’t seen anything so cross-culturally cluless since I saw the electronic “Magic-8-Ball”-style toy from Japan labeled “God-Jesus”.
You’re kidding, right? You should see the way the guineas around here decorate their houses and yards. That flashy junque would fit the decor perfectly.
How much did this magnificent example of tackiness cost? And why didn’t you buy it?
I remember there used to be a furniture store in Columbus, Ohio that we’d go wander through for laughs. My favorite was a big headboard for a bed that incorporated a stereo, lights, a wine rack, a fountain, and at least three other things – I remember our count on it was 7. I can still picture that monstrosity, and that was nearly 30 years ago!
A lot of religious folks take their kitsch VERY seriously. A friend of mine, on a trip to Georgia, bought a framed holographic picture of Jesus in junk shop. You know those pictures that move as you turn them? This one was a close-up of Jesus wearing the crown of thorns, and as you moved the picture around, he opened and closed his eyes, cried, and bled. It was ghastly. My friend, sensitive soul that he is, thought it was the funniest thing he had ever seen, and bought it as a gag gift. The proprietor of the shop told him, in utter sincerity and solemnity, “Jay-zus will be watchin’ over yew now.” My friend could barely stifle his guffaws until he got outside.
What affectionately came to be known as the “blinking Jesus” made the rounds in our circle of friends for several years, until my SO brought it to a white elephant party at work. He reported that competition for that thing was fierce. I still haven’t forgiven him for getting rid of it.
I saw a little statuette at a local 99-Cent Stuff, and I’m sorry I didn’t get it. A copy of the Pieta, done in brightly-painted resin. Rather than being in an almost horizontal format (Jesus draped across Mary’s knees), it was done more vertically, so it looked like He had passed out, or was playing “trust” and Mary had just caught him. I called it “Christ all in a swoon.” Offensive in it’s tastelessness - gotta love it!
For a while I was on the televangelist Robert Tilton’s mailing list and he was always sending this bizarre crap. One was a holographic image similar to the one above (possibly the same as the one above) and from one position it looked just like it wsa the fourth day of a Three Day drunk. Reminded me of Equus.
I’ve heard rumors of a black velvet background painting of Elvis and Jesus in heaven but I’ve never actually seen it. I like to hope it’s not a UL.
Cal, I know exactly whereof you speak. I regularly pass through the Port Authority Bus Terminal in midtown Manhattan, and everytime I do, I see pushcarts whose operators have come up with new and innovative ways to combine an image/figure of Jesus with so many blinking and flashing LEDs your head would asplode. ASPLODE, I tell you.
But then, as Buck Murdock of Alpha Beta Base said in Airplane II: The Sequel: “Oh, cut the bleeding heart crap, will ya? We’ve all got our switches, lights, and knobs to deal with, Striker. I mean, down here there are literally hundreds and thousands of blinking, beeping, and flashing lights, blinking and beeping and flashing - they’re flashing and they’re beeping. I can’t stand it anymore! They’re blinking and beeping and flashing! Why doesn’t somebody pull the plug!?”
I stopped in at the truck stop in which I used to work; I hadn’t been there in months. I noticed a new display case. At center stage was a sculpture of Jesus on the cross. The cross was outlined with bright LED lights, and I believe holographic foil accents played a part, too. There were also a range of angel figurines, all bedecked in sparklies and LEDs and foil…oh, it was ghastly.
Knowing the clientele, though, I bet they’re selling like hotcakes.
I can also vouch for the existence of a black velvet painting with the Crucifixion in the background, and Elvis, bathed in halo-ish light, in the foreground. You can even see the sweat on Elvis’s brow as he sings into the mike. The title is “Nearer My God To Thee” and the sucker’s hanging in my dad’s foyer.
When I opened this thread, the LED-crosses were what I thought of.
I saw them on sale at a carnival this fall. What was hilarious was most of the kids buying them were dressed like thug gangstas. You’ve not seen funny until you see a 15 year old guy with his cap on backwards, one pants leg rolled up, with a basketball jersey, strutting like he owns the world, with his requisite fake-gold chains…and a friggin’ red and blue blinking cross.
