The tale of the letterbox and the maniac (long)

[Essured]

Reposted (with a few changes for clarification) from here, at G’Dope, because I would like a wider audience, and to give an update…

We have a mildy irritating neighbour.

She doesn’t have lots of loud parties, doesn’t sell drugs, doesn’t piss on the fence, doesn’t park us in, doesn’t do anything really obnoxious.

But she is mildly irritating. The sort of mild irritation that builds slowly over time, like the pressure in a volcano building up.

And we think she keeps her daughter chained up in the closet, because we haven’t seen her since we introduced ourselves when they moved in. And throws a raw hunk of meat into the room every now and again to feed her. And occasionally beats her with a whip. OK, maybe that’s going a little far. But I wouldn’t put it past her. It’s the quiet, ‘slightly off’, mildly irritating ones that flip and bury bodies in their back yard. True, that. No, I don’t have a cite.

Anyway. When new neighbour first moved in, our old friends were still getting the occasional piece of mail sent to their old address. We mentioned if new neighbour found any mail addressed to others, to feel free to put it in our mailbox, or on our doorstep and we would pass it on. New neighbour smiled, and agreed and all was friendly at the time. I think she was being disarming and trying to delude us into thinking she was “the nice old lady from number 2” instead of the menacing, homicidal and mildly irritating she-beast that she is.

Since then, her ‘normal’ facade has slipped and we have seen her for the mildly irritating and dangerous person she is. And she no longer speaks to us in a neighbourly fashion. She grunts if we happen to pass in the driveway and say “good morning”. She throws mail addressed to others, on the ground behind the letterbox, as well as all her junk mail (we’ve witnessed her heinous littering on several occasions). She ignores a friendly “hi” in the afternoon. And she cooks puppies for dinner. No cite for that last one, but if there’s one thing I know, it’s the smell of burning poodle.

I have been away for the past week and Mr Goo has been forced to risk life and limb living next door to this mildly irritating hosebag. Alone, he has bravely checked our mailbox, refusing the assistance of his security guard father and ensuring his will is up to date.

I am sad to report that the stress has made my sweet and kitten-loving husband snap. He has gone forth on a one-man odyssey, a quest to clean up the puppy-stomping, mailbox littering, child-chaining scum that infests number 2, a mission to stand up and say loudly “No more”.

“What did he do?” I hear you all asking with bated breath, and a few snores.

He bravely shoved the junk mail back into new neighbour’s mail slot. {I pause here, so we may all marvel at his bravery and applaud his actions}

The following day the junk mail was back in the personal garbage bin of our neighbour, our front lawn.

After much deliberation and girding of several loins, Mr Goo sallied forth and firmly and defiantly placed the junk mail back in new neighbours mailbox. By god, new neighbour will learn to use her own damn bin instead of our front lawn, he giggled.

This happened on the 15th (Sept.). Over a week has since passed with new neighbour’s mail mysteriously appearing, carelessly thrown behind our mailbox each day. Over a week has passed with my brave and oh so stubborn Mr Goo shoving the junk mail back into her mailbox.

My friends, I come to you for two reasons. Firstly, I need to share the giggles this whole stupid and petty situation is giving me. Secondly, I need your advice. We are currently looking at several options, and would love suggestions.

The way we see it :

1. Stop shoving the damn mail back in her box and just put it in the bin ourselves.
   Pro: Mature response. Con: Highly unsatisfying

2. Keep up the mail shoving and see how long new neighbour can hold out.
   Pro: Very amusing. The only option we are leaving her with is to get rid of her own mess appropriately. Con: Petty.

3. Escalate. Buy some neon pink cardboard and draw a large sign, addressed to our neighbour. Complete with those stick drawings for idiots with a person throwing mail and a red cross over it and a person putting junk mail in a bin with a big tick. Then laminate it and attach it to a post and plant it in the front yard so new neighbour cannot get her mail without seeing it.
   Pro: Extremely and hilariously satisfying. Con: Amazingly immature and possibly not somewhere we want to go with a poodle-muncher.

Any votes for the above options, or entirely new suggestions ?

Who the ‘maniac’ in the title is, is up to the reader to guess

So we went with Option #2 and continued shoving her crap back in her mailbox.
This went on for about a fortnight, until suddenly no mail appeared scattered across our lawn. No junk mail strewn to the winds, no previous tenants mail spread across our luscious weeds.

So we think she’s gotten the hint and started cleaning up after herself. And all is good.

This morning we get a phone call from a sweet old lady to tell us that several bills and a detailed bank statement all with our name and address on them have been ripped from envelopes and are strewn across a bus stop, two blocks from our house.

We have no proof it was our neighbour. But a lot of circumstantial evidence to point to it, which I won’t go into. By dates, we are fairly sure the only mail that was taken was taken on Thursday and Friday, so we’ve been lucky. And I guess we should’ve expected it in a way, for not just sucking it up and disposing of the rubbish/junk mail ourselves. But I’m still a bit pissed at her. I’m also tickled, because this tells me exactly how much we were bugging her, and my inner bitch finds that amusing.

So given the fact that we are now definitely moving within a two months, and on Monday I am paying for a PO box and redirecting all mail to it, does anyone have any amusing, funny (non-serious, non-realistic) suggestions on what can be done with the puppy-stomper. We personally think she may have ‘issues’ so we will not do anything at all between now and when we leave to aggravate her, but we’ve spent a good part of the day chuckling over odd things we have imagined doing.

I’m a fan of a dead fish in her letterbox. But then again, I think a dead fish improves the humour of any situation.

[Skeezix]

Loathe though I am to disparage the charm and inimitable cheeriness of a dead fish, perhaps a live one would be better.

In her mailbox, I mean.

Obtain one (1) fish, live and approx. two (2) gallons of water, fresh or salt as needed. In addition, acquire one (1) power drill with appropriate drill bits, and one (1) funnel, and finally a copious supply of epoxy, rubber cement, or some other fast setting adhesive compound.

1. Drill a hole in the top of her mailbox, large enough to accept the funnel.

2. Place fish in mailbox.

3. Close mailbox, and seal with adhesive substance.

4. Place funnel in hole.

5. Pour water into funnel, filling mailbox.

6. Chip away most of the sealing compound, making it possible to open the mailbox without the use of power tools, but leaving the mailbox door water tight.

7. Retire to a safe distance, and enjoy the show.
   For maximum viciousness, ensure that the fish is one of those spiny, prickly buggers. This way, when she finally manages to open her mailbox, she is faced with not only a copious amount of brackish water, but a large angry fish that will, purely as a bonus, of course, leave her with several lacerations and punctures.

[Essured]

Dead fish, live fish, rubber chicken… all funny suggestions.

The tale is no longer whimsical and tongue-in-cheek silliness.

Today our neighbour confronted me at the letterbox, got up in my face, screamed insults, abuse and two direct threats at me and swung at me. I turned tail, jumped in my car and got away from her.

This is the longest interaction I’ve ever had with her, and I’m terrified. I think she’s actually unbalanced, not as an insult, but as a fact.

There were no post office boxes available, so we have redirected our mail to our in-laws house for now. I am extremely worried over what she might do, based on her threats. I just want to move far away from her asap, because I don’t think she’s operating rationally.

What was a little bit amusing is suddenly very scary.

Sorry, I just needed to write this out, as I’m sitting at home wondering what she’s planning to do to us. I have to go to work tomorrow, what’s she going to do to the house, or our car ? I keep thinking how easy it is to make threats, and that she’s probably all bark and not bite, then I think about her breaking laws by tearing our mail up and leaving it at a bus stop and I’m not so sure. I wish I felt a bit safer.

[heresiarch]

My idea involves a large balloon, some baby powder, a long hose and a vacuum cleaner set to ‘exhaust’.

It’s funny to visualize, but it would probably be too difficult to put into practice.

[Amberlei]

Have you thought about calling the police and letting them know she’s threatened you and tried to hit you? They probably wouldn’t do much at this point, but at least there would be something on record already if she does try and do anything more with your mail, your property, or you. Good luck.

[Adamcomic]

You have missed one of my personal favorites. You are having YOUR mail forwarded to a place known to you to be safe. Now have HER mail forwarded to a place unknown to her entirely.

[Essured]

Amberlei, thanks for the advice. I did file a police report. They offered the option of getting a PSO out on her (restraining order) or just making a report. I went with making a report, so that the incident is on file if she does something else, and because I didn’t want to enrage her further with a formal police thingy.

Adamcomic, there are huge fines for forwarding someone’s mail without their authorisation. I’m doing everything by the book, at this point. Believe me, the temptation to do something as we leave is strong.