For the win
Let me tell you about Missouri Senate Bill S.B.666 - if passed, it essentially ramps up the state’s existing stand-your-ground laws to say that if you shoot someone dead, you can say that it was self-defense and the cops have to take your word for it. Sounds like your friend would fit right in.
A good friend is an attorney. He knew an attorney in our area that sold kits to clients who had a DUI or two on their record. It included a tape player that, when stopped by the police while under the influence, the driver would hold up to the barely open window and play the recording. I’m pretty sure the envelope was part of the kit, too. The idea was that you should not give any evidence (slurred words, alcohol on breath, etc.) that you were impaired. I think, but am not sure, that the recording said the driver had contacted his attorney and would wait in the car until the attorney arrived.
In Illinois where I live refusing to take a breathalyzer test imposes a mandatory one-year suspension of your driver license, but of course that’s better than a DUI conviction.
No need, just call it a tire thumper and you’re legally in the clear.
“Officer, I understand it resembles a baseball bat or, if you like, a club, but it’s actually a tool for checking tires or something.”
Not terrible advice (actually, probably good advice), but I’d like to offer some amusing legal advice I’ve received:
Years ago I initiated a small claims suit against an auto repair shop. I went to visit an attorney for some basic guidance. I didn’t know him, he was a long-time friend of a friend’s family.
Turns out he was in his eighties. He didn’t charge me for the casual consultation. And I will never forget this piece of advice he gave me: “Don’t go in there with a hard on”.
mmm
I’ve got a slinky in my cup holder. Someone asked why, and I said it was for traffic, cause you can’t get mad when you’re playing with a slinky. When they asked about the tire iron on the floorboard I said, it’s not magic, it’s just a slinky.
“You can’t be fired at work if you leave home early due to “menstrual cramps” since if work fired you they’d be open up to a sex discrimination lawsuit”
Said by a woman at my work who takes week long sick leave for her “menstrual cramps” then goes and posts about going to the beach on Facebook. Then wonders why she got fired after several months of this.
OK, here’s the winner.
An organizer of the recent “Freedom Convoy” in Ottawa instructed his followers on Facebook that according to international law, the cops aren’t allowed to touch you if you wave your underwear at them.
In fact, waving any kind of white cloth apparently invokes a “truce” which renders you immune from any governmental interference anywhere, but underwear were specifically mentioned as an easily available option fully binding under International Law.
Cite. I’m citing Kevin Underhill’s hilarious Lowering the Bar blog, because it’s hilarious. It’s the second paragraph from the bottom (which further links to the Globe and Mail), but you should read the whole thing. You wouldn’t want to miss the Canadian citizen telling a Canadian judge that the Canadian police who arrested him had violated his First Amendment rights, would you?
Disclaimer: Although Mr. Underhill is a practicing lawyer, his claim that this law is only valid if the underwear has gold fringes is satirical and should not be relied upon.
30 years ago, I was a juror on a rape case. She was hitchhiking home and the man picked her up, raped her, threw her and her clothes out of the van, and he took off. The defendant never took the stand. I voted to convict. After the trial, I wondered how I would have voted if the defendant had taken the stand, and if said, “The sex was consensual. She didn’t like the remarks I made after the sex and she called me an asshole. So I threw her and her clothes out of my van and went home. She’s just being vindictive”
I have a family member who thinks divorce works as such. Claim your husband beat you, psychologically tortured you every single day, took all your money and forced you starve because you couldn’t pay for food, all without any evidence and you will get 90% of the money in the divorce. You can also claim your children at the same time also beat you, psychologically tortured you every single day, took all your money and forced you starve because you couldn’t pay for food, all without any evidence and you will get 90% of THEIR money too as “Parental Repayment”. All because “It’s really illegal for a court to rule against what I actually experienced”. Then you can sue your job for firing you for not showing up for 2 months, because all the above trauma caused you not to work, and you will now get back pay for every single week you haven’t worked since then because “I was fired illegally for all my trauma” Also if you hire a divorce lawyer despite the fact both of you work blue collar jobs, they’ll somehow get you even more money out of all of this.
Guess who got a shocking splash of cold water to her face during an actual divorce.
I’m not sure this counts as terrible, but I remember it 50 years after hearing it. My Uncle Walter told me if you’re speeding and you see a cop, don’t hit the brakes - just take your foot off the accelerator, because the brake lights would be an admission of guilt! I think of it every time I see a trooper or sheriff sitting on the side of the road.
Apparently bad advice is perennial. Just do a web search on “brake light shut off switch” or “brake light kill switch”.
I actually believe this to be good advice, used correctly. Unlike some of the foolish and less cautious people I know who put utter faith in their radar detectors while zooming about. Don’t be too “greedy”, don’t push your luck. I don’t exceed the limit by any more than it would take a simple lift of the throttle to put me into “benefit of the doubt”, or less suspicious territory.
The former brake violently and make it so obvious.
On the other end of the spectrum I’ve seen ( and ridden in cars being driven by ) overcautious nervous nellies instinctively brake hard at the mere sight of a police car even when they are within the speed limit, braking so sudden the nose of the car dives. Looking guilty when they’re not.
When stopped by the police, be sure to tell them who you know, because they are impressed if you can name drop an elected official, a prominent lawyer, or their boss.
The police can only arrest you for the crime you are being investigated for. For example, cops will ignore evidence of drugs if they are really concerned about somebody stealing something.
The police have to let you call a lawyer whenever you ask, even if it is before you’ve even been arrested.
If you are on the side of the road and call a lawyer, that lawyer will be able to explain to the cop why you should just be allowed to go home.
It’s not a DUI if you can point out how close you are to home.
It’s not a crime if the next day the victim tells the police that they changed their mind and don’t want the cops to be involved anymore.
To this day, I can still hear Roy on Wings saying he had one under his dashboard. When he sees an expensive car behind him, he flips the switch, hits the brakes and gets a check from their insurance.
When you step on the brakes, the front of the car does dip. This is particularly visible to any cop driving the other way on the road. And they WILL cite this in court. I was in court one day, just observing because reasons, and I heard it over and over.
Cop to judge: . . . car dipped . . .
Judge: Guilty!
It was like a magic phrase they used every time.
Oh, and another thing I observed that day while observing traffic court:
You’ve probably heard all the “advice” about how to challenge a speeding ticket, when the cop caught you by using a speed radar. You can challenge the radar reading. You can question when the radar was last calibrated, and demand to see the calibration paperwork. You can dispute whether the radar was measuring your car or the car in the next lane over. Yada yada.
In the case I saw: The defendant had a lawyer. The lawyer had subpoenaed every document the police department may have had regarding the radar unit. He questioned everything. The arresting officer came to court with none of that stuff.
The judge told the lawyer flat-out that he didn’t give a shit about all that shit. (He may not have used exactly those words, but that was clearly his tone.)
Guilty.
Not “legal advice” per se, but the most howlingly stupid legal take I’ve ever seen.
Basically, someone who took a constitutional law class at community college was surprised that the Declaration of Independence couldn’t be amended, until she recalled some fine point of law to the effect that doing so would invalidate the Constitution and possibly return America to British rule. She was corrected, and then tripled down.
It’s literally the dumbest thing I ever read. My IQ was actually damaged for several hours after reading it.
It’s the early 70’s. It’s about 2 AM and I’m barreling through the small town in the rural Central Valley of California a few miles from my parent’s house (the speed limit is probably 25 and I’m likely doing 35). Just before I hit the city limits, the lights come on behind me. I’m in my early 20’s, driving a muscle car, and my hair is down to my shoulders. I pull over, the cop strolls up and I start babbling about how I was so close to home and I must have been a little heavy on the pedal, but I was eager to get back to my home, and drop in that my stepdad is so-and-so (it’s a small town and the cops know all the locals and in fact, our house is a regular stop for a cup of coffee in the morning for some of them).
Cop looks me over, says “I’m going to give you a warning this time, but lighten up through town, OK?” I thank him, he goes back to his cruiser and I go on my way. I’m convinced to this day that if I hadn’t dropped that crucial name, the very least I would have ended up with a hefty ticket and, given the times, the location, and my appearance, had a good chance of ending up in the jailhouse for the evening.
So sometimes namedropping has an effect, though I agree that “Do you know who I am” and threatening officers with your powerful connections is more likely to backfire than work.
Clearly didn’t grow up in Chicago. Name drop your dad or uncle is a cop, or you have some close connection to a local politician, preferably alderman, and you can skate. I’ve been in the car to witness this happen. This was early 90s, though – things may have changed a lot since then, but if you’re a Friend of the Police, I’m betting most will still cut you some slack. Heck, I’ve had a cop’s tone change with me in the neighboring state of Indiana once my friend pulled out his dad’s credentials.
ETA: Oh, forgot to add. The thing is you didn’t make a big show of it. You didn’t scream, you didn’t do the “DO YOU KNOW WHO MY DAD IS?” type of stuff. You just mentioned it or showed the card of the person you knew. That’s it. Nice and quiet and go from there.