The Queen’s trees are fertilized by Corgi shit collected especially for the purpose.
Yoo-Hoo is the non-alcoholic version of it.
When a monarch without any pets occupies the throne, the duty of fertilizing the Royals’ trees falls to the Beefeaters. No, not the Beefeaters’ pets.
Actually, the Beefeaters have long held the little-known responsibility for caring for all of the royal plants. In fact, the name is a misspelling of their true name: the Bee Feeders.
In the last 138 years, the Royal family-produced “‘Bee Feeder’ Honey” has taken Grand Prize in the national rankings a total of 94 times. It’s heavily rumored a certain brand of gin is the culprit.
It is well known in the agricultural community that open liquor bottles cannot be left near bee hives. They will completely ignore plant pollen and get smashed on booze. Worse, twelve step alcoholic programs have proven totally ineffective for bees.
And worse, it can lead to the shutdown of the bee’s digestive system, also known as colon-y collapse.
The success of the Queen’s palm trees has led to a ferocious black market in Corgi waste. The purchase price for a Corgi has increased 2400% in the last five years, a 1 lb. bag of excrement tops $250 USD, and speculation on the London Stock Exchange is driving the price of both ever higher. Scientists expect to have a synthetic version on the market within eight months; palm trees are expected to cover the British Isles from Inverness to Penzance, and from Norwich to Galway. Until the first snow hits.
Classic Corgi-waste producers, known affectionately as ‘turdmongers’, doubt that synthetic Corgi waste will prove efficacious. This is because the true Royal Corgi waste is actually composted, using a secret blend of clippings and other plant waste from the Queen’s gardens. Such plant material is required to balance the pH and add fibre to a waste which, after all, originates from an animal that eats a rather refined, meat-heavy diet.
Much effort has gone into finding the best balance of grass clippings, flower petals, leaves, stems, etc, to produce Corgi waste of the desired colour, scent, and texture. It is an art best appreciated by traditional gardeners, those who take the long view and say things like, “the best way to care for a lawn is to mow it using sheep and then roll it for 500 years.”
Compounding matters in the Corgi-waste “issue,” is the “counterfeit turdmonger” aspect: QE II’s two Corgis are Welsh Pembroke; they produce an entirely different matrix of fecal matter than their cousins, the Cardigans. Nonetheless, bogus refuse from the Cardigan breed has made an adverse impact on sales of WP waste–a gullible public will buy whatever it’s told to. Couple this with the fact that the Queen’s other two dogs are Dorgis (Dachshund/Corgi mix), and synthetic–as well as natural–waste product can be easily compromised. Scientists have all but thrown up their hands in defeat. Quoth one scientist, “It’s all shite.”
Meanwhile, when former President Bill Clinton was reached for comment, he was quoted as saying: “What with those silly British dog-lovers? I’ll stick with my Maine Coon, thank you.”
The metaphor for old jokes back in the old days was that they were as thin and watery as soup after so many reuses, specifically borscht. That’s why the comedy club circuit was known as the Borscht Belt as most comedians were recycling jokes from Old Europe.
In 2008, after a lawsuit by a pair of conjoined twins, the IRS added a little-known status called “Single Filing Jointly”. By law it is available only to (1) taxpayers who are conjoined twins, (2) taxpayers joined to conjoined twins.
Sonic the Hedgehog, the video game character, is known around the world as being extremely fast and having a penchant for collecting golden rings. The creator of Sonic got his idea after watching a pet shop owner in Tokyo put on a caged animal race where each animal was painted a different color: hamster pink, ferret green, and hedgehog blue, and raced through several golden rings to a finish line. Each animal was given a penalty for each golden ring it skipped, and because the hedgehog managed to go through the most rings he not only won, but also set a world record for fastest caged animal race through rings.
Plagiarism was named for one Marcus Antonius Plagiarius who until embarrassingly recently, was thought to have been the first person to translate the Old Classics of the ancient world into Latin.
Sonic’s original voice actor in the 1990s cartoons was Ernest Borgnine.
There is a layer of radioactive ash in the Earth’s crust from a previous civilization that wiped itself out with nuclear warheads.
In December of 1941, the official Japanese declaration of war against the United Kingdom included a clause condemning the insulting caricatures of the Japanese emperor in the Gilbert & Sullivan operetta The Mikado.
The shadows of right handed people are left handed, the shadows of left handed people are right handed.
The shadows of ambidextrous people lack hands.