The Ultimate Badass of All Media

The Game Room
1

My son’s been watching The Ultimate Showdown on Youtube over and over again and I thought it might be fun to have an ultimate showdown of our own, pitting major badasses from a variety of different sources against each other to see who will come out on top.

The starting slate of badasses are my own idiosyncratic picks. If someone you want isn’t on the list, too bad. I thought of it first, so I get to pick.

My criteria for badassness:

  1. They’re not just strong – they demonstrate they’re strong by kicking ass over and over again.
  2. They’re virtually indestructible. Even when you think they’re defeated they come back and kick ass.
  3. They’re usually three or four steps ahead of their enemies. They’re already kicking ass before the bad guys (or good guys) even know that they’re going to have their asses kicked.
  4. They’re all fictional, except for Chuck Norris who might as well be make-believe at this point.
  5. Only one badass per fictional world is allowed. Gandalf is on the list, so Legolas isn’t, even though Legolas is a major badass. It’s more fun to compare characters from wildly different worlds. Plus, it gives me an excuse to exclude most superheros since arguing over which superhero is tougher is tedious and geeky.
  6. As much as it pains me to exclude Optimus Prime and Godzilla … only beings who are roughly human-sized are included, to make it fair.
  7. I’ve tried to pick badasses who are at least moderately well-known, if not outright famous. I’m sure there’s an obscure robot samurai from some crazy otaku anime that no one has ever heard of who is a bigger badass than everyone on the list. I don’t care.

The competition is a standard single-elimination tournament. With the exception of a few top seeds (Batman, Chuck Norris, Darth Vader, etc.) initial rankings were assigned randomly.

Vote for ONE badass out of each match-up. At the end of the day on the 16th I’ll tally the votes. The winners of each match will advance to round two, and we’ll start voting again. Explaining the reasoning behind your votes is encouraged, but not mandatory.

Batman
vs.
Mad Max

Master Chief (Halo)
vs.
Count Dracula

Motoko Kusanagi (Ghost in the Shell)
vs.
Indiana Jones

The Alien (Alien)
vs.
Jason Voorhees (Friday the 13th)

Darth Vader
vs.
Sephiroth (Final Fantasy)

Kratos (God of War)
vs.
John McClane (Diehard)

The Terminator
vs.
John Rambo

Goku (Dragonball)
vs.
The Bride (Kill Bill)

Gandalf the White
vs.
Hannibal Lecter (Silence of the Lambs)

Harry Callahan (Dirty Harry)
vs.
James Kirk (Star Trek)

Freddy Krueger (Nightmare on Elm Street)
vs.
James Bond

River Tam (Firefly)
vs.
Solid Snake (Metal Gear Solid)

Lord Voldemort (Harry Potter)
vs.
Brock Samson (Venture Brothers)

Conan the Barbarian
vs.
Tony Montana (Scarface)

Jason Bourne (The Bourne Identity)
vs.
Jack Bauer (24)

Chuck Norris
vs.
Agent Smith (The Matrix)

2

No way does Mel Gibson last against the Darknight Detective. Batman in a walkover.

Dracula. Brother made it for 400 years before getting sucker-punched by the British Empire.

Indy. Anybody who can survive an atomic blast with just a refrigerator for protection isn’t going to have a problem with a Darth Vader wannabe.

Tough one. I’ll take the Alien. If she goes down, she can always reproduce.

Good match. My knee-jerk reaction is to pick Vader, but he’s been thoroughly humiliated by Obi-Wan, Luke, and even Han Solo. What the hey…Sephiroth.

Kratos. Die Hard 2 is one of my least favorite movies.

Terminator. Fewer mental issues.

For the love of God, how much manga do you read?

The Bride. Just ask the Crazy 88.

Gandalf. As much as I like Hannibal, it’s much easier to kick ass against police and psychologists than against dragons and wizards with galactic powers.

Dirty Harry. Never lost his shirt.

Bond. See the comment about the British Empire above. If their lamest got Dracula, their best can sure as hell get Freddy.

Beats me. River Tam, I guess.

Thank you for including Brock. He may well be my dark horse for winning the whole thing. Dr. Orpheus doesn’t seem to scare him, so I doubt he’ll have much trouble with Voldemort.

Conan. Montana’s not thinking straight on account of the blow.

Bourne. Just keeps getting better.

Chuck Norris. To explain why, I’d have to invert the Ontological Proof of God’s Existence, so let’s just leave it at that.

3

Batman

Dracula from what franchise? If you mean the original Bram Stoker Dracula, then I vote for Master Chief.

Kusanagi

The Alien

Word of God says that Sephiroth is the most powerful being in the FF7 universe. I also like Final Fantasy more than Star Wars, so I vote for Sephiroth.

Kratos. McClane is a mere human.

The Terminator.

If this was a “who would win in a fight”, then I don’t see how anyone on this list could beat Goku. But by your criteria, I vote for The Bride.

This is difficult. I vote for Hannibal.

Kirk. I admit that I have never seen Dirty Harry, and the only time I’ve seen Kirk is in the recent Star Trek movie.

Bond.

Snake. By far.

Can I not vote for this one?

Conan.

Bourne.

Norris.

4

Batman
vs.
Mad Max

Batman versus Mel Gibson? Come on.Even the Batmobile is more Badass than the Pursuit Special

Master Chief (Halo)
vs.
Count Dracula

Jonathan Harker and a whole slew of Belmonts have killed Drac. The Master Chief lays waste to aliens.
Motoko Kusanagi (Ghost in the Shell)
vs.
Indiana Jones
I don’t really know Ghost in the Shell. But Indy is more badass than anything I’ve ever seen in an anime flick.
The Alien (Alien)
vs.
Jason Voorhees (Friday the 13th)

Jason’s mean, but the Alien is a biological slaughtering machine.

Darth Vader
vs.
Sephiroth (Final Fantasy)

Baddest Ass in the history of video games versus a guy whose legacy is ruined by turning out to be a crusty old white guy in RotJ. I’m purposefully blinding myself to the various prequels for both of these guys.

Kratos (God of War)
vs.
John McClane (Diehard)

Kratos needs all sorts of gifts from the gods to be badass. John McClane is badass in his socks.

The Terminator
vs.
John Rambo

Just going with Arnie over Sly, here.

Goku (Dragonball)
vs.
The Bride (Kill Bill)

Again, limited experience with anime. The Bride slices her way through anything.

Gandalf the White
vs.
Hannibal Lecter (Silence of the Lambs)

Toughest one so far.Hannibal Lecter wins on style points, but Gandalf killed a fucking Balrog.
**
Harry Callahan (Dirty Harry)**
vs.
James Kirk (Star Trek)

Kirk isn’t badass.

Freddy Krueger (Nightmare on Elm Street)
vs.
James Bond

I love me some Freddy. But James Bond is just quintessential baddassery. And he doesn’t wear a shirt stolen from the guys from Mudhoney.

River Tam (Firefly)
vs.**
Solid Snake (Metal Gear Solid)**

It’s only a box.

Lord Voldemort (Harry Potter)
vs.
Brock Samson (Venture Brothers)

Voldy couldn’t even kill a baby.

Conan the Barbarian
vs.
Tony Montana (Scarface)

Part of badassery is having a great line. “Say hello to my little friend.” versus “By the might of Crom”? No contest.

Jason Bourne (The Bourne Identity)
vs.
Jack Bauer (24)

Yawn. Both these guys kinda suck.

Chuck Norris
vs.
Agent Smith (The Matrix)

Walker, Texas Ranger would kick Agent Smith’s ass, and still have time to teach the kids at the local high school why taking blue, red or any other sorts of pills are bad.

5

Batman in an easy victory. He doesn’t even break a batsweat.

Dracula. He’ll get a much needed comeuppance, but in the end, his powers outweigh Master Chief, who relys on armaments.

Jones gets his ass kicked constantly. Kusanagi in a landslide.

The Alien. Unless she is having sex in the upstairs bedroom when he gets there. Then Jason has a huge advantage.

Oooooo. I like this one. Sephiroth because Vader gets his ass kicked by Luke fucking Skywalker.

Kratos. No matter how hard it is for McClane to die, he just can’t hang with the big boys.

I’ll go with Rambo. If John Connor can beat a Terminator, so can Rambo.

The Bride. I’ve never seen/followed Dragonball.

Gandalf. Lecter is smart and all, but so is Gandalf. And when the fecal matter hits the rotating propellor, Gandalf still has the magic and the sword. YOU SHALL NOT PASS!!!

Harry Callahan. Unless there was some alien nookie involved somehow. But Kirk gets his ass handed to him way too often and Callahan won’t let up.

Bond, if he gets to use all his stuff. He’ll figure out a way to get rid of Freddy while avoiding those razor sharp fingernails.

This wholly and completely depends on the situation. River Tam easily if her brother is threatened, but other than that, she’s hopeless. But if Snake doesn’t have a cardboard box, he’s easily defeated. I’ll go with River Tam and assume she’s got a reason to actually fight.

Voldemort. I don’t know Brock.

Conan would rip his head off and nail all his women before Montana’s body hit the ground.

Bourne. Easy.

Smith. If he can beat every single person except The One, that’s enough to take out Chuck Norris.

6

Batman

Count Dracula

Indiana Jones

Jason Voorhees (Friday the 13th)

Sephiroth (Final Fantasy)

John McClane (Diehard)

John Rambo

The Bride (Kill Bill)

Gandalf the White

James Kirk (Star Trek)

Freddy Krueger (Nightmare on Elm Street)

River Tam (Firefly)
Lord Voldemort (Harry Potter)
Tony Montana (Scarface)

Jack Bauer (24)

Agent Smith (The Matrix)

7

Batman
vs.
Mad Max

duh. This must be one of those 1 vs. 16 matchups. Batman.
Master Chief (Halo)
vs.
Count Dracula

Dracula

Motoko Kusanagi (Ghost in the Shell)
vs.
Indiana Jones

Indy gets beat up too much. The other guy.

The Alien (Alien)
vs.
Jason Voorhees (Friday the 13th)

Jason. Never. Dies.

Darth Vader
vs.
Sephiroth (Final Fantasy)

Sephiroth. I’ve never played any FF game, but I know Vader would get his ass handed to him by anyone deserving the name “badass”.

Kratos (God of War)
vs.
John McClane (Diehard)

McClane, just because.

The Terminator
vs.
John Rambo

Hm. Terminator.

Goku (Dragonball)
vs.
The Bride (Kill Bill)

pass

Gandalf the White
vs.
Hannibal Lecter (Silence of the Lambs)

Gandalf

Harry Callahan (Dirty Harry)
vs.
James Kirk (Star Trek)

James. T. Kirk.

Freddy Krueger (Nightmare on Elm Street)
vs.
James Bond

James. T. Bond.

River Tam (Firefly)
vs.
Solid Snake (Metal Gear Solid)

River.

Lord Voldemort (Harry Potter)
vs.
Brock Samson (Venture Brothers)

Uh, Voldemort I guess.

Conan the Barbarian
vs.
Tony Montana (Scarface)

Conan.

Jason Bourne (The Bourne Identity)
vs.
Jack Bauer (24)

pass

Chuck Norris
vs.
Agent Smith (The Matrix)

They fight to a standstill, until the little-known “Evening Gown contest” tie-breaker kicks in. At which point, Agent Smith knocks 'em dead with his STUNNING Vegas showgirl ensemble.

Yes, I posted this whole thing just to make a Priscilla, Queen of the Desert joke.

8

Batman
vs.
Mad Max

Batman’s no kill policy takes him down several notches in the badass category.

Master Chief (Halo)
vs.
Count Dracula

I’ll pass on this one; I’m not familiar with Master Chef.

Motoko Kusanagi (Ghost in the Shell)
vs.
Indiana Jones

skip this one too.

The Alien (Alien)
vs.
Jason Voorhees (Friday the 13th)

Darth Vader
vs.
Sephiroth (Final Fantasy)

This one was tough.

Kratos (God of War)
vs.
John McClane (Diehard)

The Terminator
vs.
John Rambo

Goku (Dragonball)
vs.
The Bride (Kill Bill)

Gandalf the White
vs.
Hannibal Lecter (Silence of the Lambs)

Harry Callahan (Dirty Harry)
vs.
James Kirk (Star Trek)

Freddy Krueger (Nightmare on Elm Street)
vs.
James Bond

River Tam (Firefly)
vs.
Solid Snake (Metal Gear Solid)

Lord Voldemort (Harry Potter)
vs.
Brock Samson (Venture Brothers)

Conan the Barbarian
vs.
Tony Montana (Scarface)

Jason Bourne (The Bourne Identity)
vs.
Jack Bauer (24)

Chuck Norris
vs.
Agent Smith (The Matrix)

ETA: I think Wolverine should have been in the competition. And possibly a Predator instead of the Alien.

9

Batman has *got *to be prepared for “shitkicker with a rusty sawnoff”.

Dracula - he’ll probably get his ass kicked. But in a hundred years, he’ll rise again, no fuss, no muss.

In what world in Indy a badass ? He keeps getting punched in the face.

Let’s see, a nightmare fuel-off. Well, with Jason you wake up screaming because you’re going to get a knife in the face. With the Xenomorph, you wake up screaming because you’re going to get a facefull of Alien wing-wong. And then experience pregnancy in a whole different way. Alien by a creepy landslide.

Vote goes to the Nubian god. Can’t stand bishies.

Ok, this has got to be the most rigged fight yet. John McLane stuggles to fight East European terrorists. Kratos rips demigods’ heads off with his bare fucking hands. Then pisses down the stump.

Rambo. He’s got the same methodical badass as Termie, but adds a layer of ornery on top (at least in the first flick - I refuse to rate the three subsequent abortions).

In a surprising twist, The Bride lops his head off because he won’t hit girls.

Is Hannibal Lecter tougher’n a Balrog ? Is he ? I thought not.

Ooh, classic one. I’m gonna go with Kirk here - at least he doesn’t need an iron cock supplement.

In the battle between suave and deformed, suave wins 100% of the time. This is movieland. Pretty boy wins.

Damn you. I want to say River. I really do. But Snake has experience in dealing with superpowered schyzophreniac girls. He shoots them in the face. AND he does it when he’s a million years old, dammit !

Who the what ?

Conan fantasizes about hearing the lamentations of his enemies women. Tony makes it happen.

Torture ain’t badass. Jason wins, and he doesn’t even remember it.

Pains me to say so, but Chuck. On the grounds that while Agent Smith got killed by Woah Reeves about ten thousand times, it took fucking Bruce Lee to kill Chuck Norris just the once.

10

Batman. The guy hangs with superhumans after all. And beats them, on a regular basis.

Never played Halo; pass.

Motoko Kusanagi.

Alien. Jason loses on badass points for being too human.

Hmmmm. Good one, but I give the vote to Sephiroth for coming back from defeat without surgical assistance, and greater personal power.

Kratos. Getting killed and fighting your way back to the mortal world? That’s badass.

Terminator. Again, John loses points for being a mere human.

Bride.

Hannibal.

Harry. Kirk has his moments, but he gets beaten by guys whose head Harry would blow clean off.

Freddy.

Snake; River is only sometimes badass.

Brock. Nobody’s badass like the Swedish Murder Machine. Well, maybe Kratos.

Hmm. Conan, he gets extra badass points for beating down other warriors with with melee weapons.

Pass; never watched either.

Pass.

11

Batman
vs.
Mad Max

Master Chief (Halo)
vs.
Count Dracula

Motoko Kusanagi (Ghost in the Shell)
vs.
Indiana Jones

The Alien (Alien)
vs.
Jason Voorhees (Friday the 13th)

Darth Vader
vs.
Sephiroth (Final Fantasy)

Kratos (God of War)
vs.
John McClane (Diehard)

The Terminator
vs.
John Rambo

Goku (Dragonball)
vs.
The Bride (Kill Bill)

Gandalf the White
vs.
Hannibal Lecter (Silence of the Lambs)
**
Harry Callahan (Dirty Harry)**
vs.
James Kirk (Star Trek)

Freddy Krueger (Nightmare on Elm Street)
vs.
James Bond

River Tam (Firefly)
vs.
Solid Snake (Metal Gear Solid)

Lord Voldemort (Harry Potter)
vs.
Brock Samson (Venture Brothers)

Those of you who voted for Voldemort, do you just not know who Brock is? He routinely kills enough men with his bare hands to end up drenched in gore from head to toe. Using a gun to kill is beneath him because it isn’t macho enough. I could kill Voldemort.

Conan the Barbarian
vs.
Tony Montana (Scarface)

Jason Bourne (The Bourne Identity)
vs.
Jack Bauer (24)

Chuck Norris
vs.
Agent Smith (The Matrix)

12

Batman.

Master Chief

Indiana Jones

Alien

Sephiroth

Kratos

Terminator

Bride

Gandalf

Dirty Harry

Bond

Solid Snake

Brock Sampson

Conan

Bourne

Chuck Norris

13

I held off putting my votes in so as not to bias the results. I’ll keep it open until tomorrow, then tally the results:

Batman
vs.
Mad Max

Master Chief (Halo)
vs.
Count Dracula

Motoko Kusanagi (Ghost in the Shell)
vs.
Indiana Jones

The Alien (Alien)
vs.
Jason Voorhees (Friday the 13th)

Darth Vader
vs.
Sephiroth (Final Fantasy)

Kratos (God of War)
vs.
John McClane (Diehard)

The Terminator
vs.
John Rambo

Goku (Dragonball)
vs.
The Bride (Kill Bill)

Gandalf the White
vs.
Hannibal Lecter (Silence of the Lambs)

Harry Callahan (Dirty Harry)
vs.
James Kirk (Star Trek)

Freddy Krueger (Nightmare on Elm Street)
vs.
James Bond

River Tam (Firefly)
vs.
Solid Snake (Metal Gear Solid)

Lord Voldemort (Harry Potter)
vs.
Brock Samson (Venture Brothers)

Conan the Barbarian
vs.
Tony Montana (Scarface)

Jason Bourne (The Bourne Identity)
vs.
Jack Bauer (24)

Chuck Norris
vs.
**Agent Smith (The Matrix)
[/QUOTE]
**

14

He even strangled a henchman to death while drugged unconscious.

15

Batman
vs.
Mad Max

No ones ever done a campy Mad Max

Master Chief (Halo)
vs.
Count Dracula

Master Chief is sunlight proof.

Motoko Kusanagi (Ghost in the Shell)
vs.
Indiana Jones

Indy isn’t really a badass. He’s constantly flustered and put-upon.

The Alien (Alien)
vs.
Jason Voorhees (Friday the 13th)

Jason would be lucky to last 10 seconds.

Darth Vader
vs.
Sephiroth (Final Fantasy)

Vader’s a lot better at looking menacing then actually doing anything other then choking underlings to death.

Kratos (God of War)
vs.
John McClane (Diehard)

The Terminator
vs.
John Rambo

The Terminator gets killed at the end of every movie, and it doesn’t seem to make much difference.

Goku (Dragonball)
vs.
The Bride (Kill Bill)

Gandalf the White
vs.
Hannibal Lecter (Silence of the Lambs)

A psychologist vs a demi-god?

Harry Callahan (Dirty Harry)
vs.
James Kirk (Star Trek)

Eastwood is the quintessential badass.

Freddy Krueger (Nightmare on Elm Street)
vs.
James Bond

Hey, you broke your own rule. Freddy and Jason share a universe.

River Tam (Firefly)
vs.
Solid Snake (Metal Gear Solid)

Lord Voldemort (Harry Potter)
vs.
Brock Samson (Venture Brothers)

Voldemort gets his ass beat over and over again by the same plucky band of school children

Conan the Barbarian
vs.
Tony Montana (Scarface)

Coked out looser vs trained gladiator.

Jason Bourne (The Bourne Identity)
vs.
Jack Bauer (24)

Chuck Norris
vs.
Agent Smith (The Matrix)

Chuck Norris stole Vin Disel’s meme

16

ROUND ONE IS OVER! The results have been tallied!

Batman 12
vs.
Mad Max 1

Not much of a contest here. The caped crusader crushes the opposition!

Master Chief (Halo) 5
vs.
Count Dracula 6

It was a close battle, but, in the end, the count’s ability to not stay down for the count (ha-ha) seems to have tipped things in his favor!

Motoko Kusanagi (Ghost in the Shell) 8
vs.
Indiana Jones 4

Score one for the girls. The cybernetic assassin easily beats the college professor.

The Alien (Alien) 10
vs.
Jason Voorhees (Friday the 13th) 3

The hockey mask doesn’t stop the alien from ripping through Jason like a picnic table full of tacos.

Darth Vader 2
vs.
Sephiroth (Final Fantasy) 11

Wow. I thought this would be closer. There’s a lot of Vader haters out there.

Kratos (God of War) 8
vs.
John McClane (Diehard) 5

Personally I was rooting for McClane, but once I saw this match come up in the seeding, I knew it was a long shot.

The Terminator 10
vs.
John Rambo 3

The robotic killing machine rolls right over the crazy Vietnam vet.

Goku (Dragonball) 2
vs.
The Bride (Kill Bill) 10

Another one that I thought would be closer. Goku’s tougher, but he’s not really ruthless, which I guess really knocks him down in the badass department.

Gandalf the White 11
vs.
Hannibal Lecter (Silence of the Lambs) 2

No contest. Gandalf dusts the psycho without even breaking a sweat.

Harry Callahan (Dirty Harry) 9
vs.
James T. Kirk (Star Trek) 4

Not really a surprise.

Freddy Krueger (Nightmare on Elm Street) 2
vs.
James Bond 11

I don’t think poor Freddy even knew what hit him. All the horror movie bad guys are knocked out in round one. I guess they’re not so badass after all.

River Tam (Firefly) 6
vs.
Solid Snake (Metal Gear Solid) 7

Soooooo close. But Snake edges out a win.

Lord Voldemort (Harry Potter) 3
vs.
Brock Samson (Venture Brothers) 8

Brock rams Voldemort’s wand WAYYYYY up there.

Conan the Barbarian 10
vs.
Tony Montana (Scarface) 3

And both of Arnold’s characters advance to round two!

Jason Bourne (The Bourne Identity) 8
vs.
Jack Bauer (24) 3

Apparently amnesia increases badassitude.

Chuck Norris 6
vs.
Agent Smith (The Matrix) 6

A tie! So I reverted to my tie-breaker … asking my 12-year-old son who is the bigger badass. He stopped playing Overlord long enough to give it some serious consideration, and after due deliberation, it’s Chuck Norris, in sudden death overtime!

Round two will start in a few minutes!

17

Round Two is here.

18

I believe two people voted for Mad Max. I demand a recount!

19

Holy crap, you’re right! :smack: And I thought I had been so careful.

I just double-checked Simplicio’s tallies and that’s the only one I got wrong. So, yes, the final vote is

Batman 11
vs.
Mad Max 2

Now you’ve got me paranoid. I’m gonna recheck the close votes … .