And speaking of brevity being the soul of wit:
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A man walks into a bar. Ouch!
Always heard that as:
Two men walk into a bar; the third one ducks.
How many blank stares I’ve gotten from that one.
Or the classic:
Egg and bacon are frying in a pan, the egg turns to the bacon and says “hot enough for ya?” and the bacon responds “HOLY CHRIST, A TALKIN’ EGG!”
Heh. Classic metahumor. How 'bout this one:
Three pieces of string walk into a bar. The bartender takes one look at them and says, “Hey, we don’t serve strings here! Get out!”, and before they know it, the three pieces of string have been booted out the door.
Two of the piees of string walk away dejected; but the third piece of string is determined to get into that bar. He ties himself in a double-hitch and frizzes the top of his “hair” out with a razor blade, and walks back into the bar thusly disguised.
The bartender looks suspiciously at the new stranger and says, “Hey, aren’t you a string? We don’t serve strings in this bar!”
The piece of string looks back at the bartender and replies, “At these prices, I’m not surprised!”
A man goes into an opticians and says “I’ll have 10 quid each way on Sonny Boy in the three-thirty at Doncaster.” and the optician replies “You’re in just the right shop, sir, I think we can help you.”
A little old lady takes her husband to the doctor for his physical. After doing an examination, the doctor says “I need a sperm sample, a urine sample and a stool sample.” The little old man, being hard of hearing, looks up and says “HUH?” So the doctor repeats, a little louder, “I NEED A SPERM SAMPLE, A URINE SAMPLE AND A STOOL SAMPLE!” The old man still doesn’t understand. He repeats “HUH?” So the doctor says, really, really loud, “I NEED A SPERM SAMPLE, A URINE SAMPLE AND A STOOL SAMPLE!” To which the old man says “HUH? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!” Whereupon his wife nudges him and shouts in his ear, “HE NEEDS YOUR UNDERWEAR!”
Ah tracer, the new string punch line made me laugh harder than the original ever did!
[related hijack]
Speaking of No Soap, Radio, does anyone remember a short-lived tv show in the late 70’s I believe by the same name? It was full of just bizarre humore, set in a hotel I think, and the thing I remember most was the transitions from one scene to another (like someone would sweep dirt under a rug, the camera would follow the dirt, to where teh new scene would begin.)
[/related hijack “arrrrr!”]
Ah! Just looked it up on IMDB, it was '82. Well at least I wasn’t imagining it.
So there are three friends that always hung out together. Bill, Tom, and Jared were their names. Now these wernt just your ordinary guys. Bill was infamous for being be biggest alcoholic in the world. He would constantly think about when he could get his next bottle of Jack Daniels. You would hardly ever find him not having any alcohol in his hand. Tom, now he was infamous for being the biggest chain smoker in the world. Every hour of the day he would have to light up…sometimes up to 5 ciggerettes at a time. You could hardly ever find him not with a ciggerette in his hand. Well lasty was Jared. He diddnt drink…he diddnt even smoke, but he was the gayest man in the world. He constantly was checking guys out, always wanting to be with any guy he passed.
Well Bill, Tom, and Jared were walking down the road one day…it was a rare occurance where none of them were really focused on their compulsions, and instead were enjoying a good day out in the city. Well as they were walking down on the sidewalk, they wernt paying much attention and BAM! they ran into a witchdoctor who was walking in the opposite direction.
“You will regret it for ruining my day!” he said. “I see you all have your own secret obsessions…” he said after he read their minds on the spot. “Therefore, next time any of you even THINK about your obsessions, you will DIE!! HAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!” he said as he walked on past them.
Well the men diddnt really pay much thought to it, thinking the man was just a quack. So they walked on down the street having a good time as before…When it happened. Bill caught a glimpse of it in his eye…a BAR ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE STREET! He made one step towards it and…
BAM! Bill fell over dead on the spot!!!
Tom and Jared screamed! He must have thought about the alcohol! They ran and ran as fast as they could. But as they rain away in terror…it happened again. Tom saw it just as he was approaching it, Jared in tow behind…Tom found…A FULL PACK OF CIGGERETTES! he leaned over to grab on in an impulse and…
BAM! Tom and Jared fell over dead on the spot!!!
What are these “ciggerettes” of which you speak? Are they small ciggers? Isn’t that a racist term?
(And what about Scarecrow’s brain?!)
Three nuns are sitting on a park bench when a man in a trench coat comes up to them. He opens his coat and he’s completely naked underneath.
The first two nuns gasped, then had a stroke.
The third nun couldn’t quite reach.
Three men die, and find themselves not in heaven but rather at the top of a high cliff. Peering over the edge, they can’t even see the bottom. They notice a sign about 10 feet away:
Welcome to Reincarnation Ridge
take a running leap over the cliff, and shout out what you would like to be reincarnated as, and so it shall be.
The men look at each other and shrug. They draw straws to see who will try it first. The chosen man takes a deep breath, then runs at the cliff and leaps over the edge. “A bald eagle!” he shouts, and poof he turns into an eagle and soars away.
The next man takes the cliff at a run and as he leaps over the edge, he shouts “a hunting falcon!” and poof he turns into a falcon and soars away.
The third man takes the clif at a run, but just at the edge he trips! Just as he is lurching over the edge he cries out “OH SHIT!”
alternate punchline
The third man isn’t much into feel-good nature stuff, so he leaps over the edge and screams “make me a movie star!” and poof he turns into a handsome man in expensive clothes.
A few minutes later he reaches the bottom of the cliff and splats on the rocks.
Three friends meet up at a restaurant after spending the previous night partying like maniacs.
Two of them look like hell, and cannot even come close to concealing the hangovers they’re enduring.
The third guy seems rather chipper and ready to face the day.
“What’s up with you? You seem to be in pretty good shape.”
“Are you kidding? I was up all night blowing chunks!”
“So you puked, big deal.”
“You don’t understand, Chunks is my dog.”
Did you hear about the man who went into the second hand store to get one for his watch??
This duck walks in a bar, and says “gimme a beer”.
The bartender smirks and says “Don’t look like you got no pockets, duck. How you gonna pay for that beer?”
The duck says, “put it on my bill”.
Did you hear about the man who went into the second hand store to get one for his watch ???
Did you hear about the man who went into the second hand store to get oone for his watch ???
Did you hear about the man who went into the second hand store to get one for his watch ???
This duck waddles into a general goods store, looks up at the owner, and quacks, “Got any duck food?”
The manager scowls down at the duck. “No, we don’t got duck food here.”
“Okay,” the duck says, and leaves.
Next day, the duck waddles back into the store, looks at the owner, and quacks, “Got any duck food?”
“No, dammit!” the manager says. “I told you yesterday, I don’t have duck food!”
“Okay,” the duck says, and leaves.
Next day the duck’s back. “Got any duck food?”
The manager leans down and glares at the duck. “Listen, buddy. You ask me that again, and I’m gonna nail your feet to the floor!”
“Okay,” the duck says, and leaves.
But sure enough, the duck waddles back in the next day, looks up at the manager, and quacks, “Got any nails?”
“No…” says the manager.
“Got any duck food?”
yes Kegg we heard
This guy, we’ll call him Dave, goes in to see his doctor. “Doc,” he says, “I’ve got this really sore arm.”
The doctor says, “Okay, I’ll need a urine sample to get a proper diagnosis.”
Dave says, “A urine sample? For a sore arm?”
The doctor says, “Yes, it’s the latest diagnostic technology. This machine can diagnose anything from a simple urine sample.”
Dave is skeptical, but he heads to the rest room, pisses in the bottle, and returns it to the doctor. The doctor pours the contents into the machine and flips a switch. Bells ring, lights flash on a off, a series of beeps sound, and a strip of paper spews out one end. The doctor rips it off, and reads, “You have tennis elbow.” He prescribes an anti-inflammatory, rest for the arm, and tells Dave to come back in two weeks with another urine sample. Dave is not impressed.
“You can’t tell me that machine can tell that from a damned urine test!” The doctor assures him again that this is the latest in diagnostic technology and is 100% accurate.
Two weeks go by, and Dave’s arm is feeling better, but he’s still pretty annoyed about getting the diagnosis from a machine. He says to himself, “100% accurate, huh? We’ll see about that.” So, he pisses in the bottle… gets his wife to piss in the bottle… gets his daughter to piss in the bottle… pours a little motor oil from his car into the bottle… and finally jerks off into the bottle (Apparently, it’s a damn big bottle). Then he shakes it all up, and heads in to see the doctor again.
Dave gets called in to see the doctor, and hands him his bottle. Once again, the doctor pours the contents into the machine, and flips a switch. The machine goes crazy. There’s lights blinking everywhere, bells and whistles going off, and the whole thing is shaking. Finally, a long strip of paper spews out the end. The doctor takes it, and reads:
“Your daughter is pregnant; your wife is screwing everyone in town; your car needs an oil change; and if you don’t quit jerking off, you’re never going to get rid of that tennis elbow!”