That’s right, those zany Brits are looking for The Ultimate Joke.
I’m sure we’ve got some folks that should have a shot at this <looking at you, Fenris and Rue>.
Sorry for the hijack, but this reminded me of something I always wanted to know (but was too lazy to look up), what is the English translation of the German joke in the Monty Python “Funniest joke in the world” sketch?
Two peanuts were walking down the road. One was assaulted…peanut.
Saw a guy wearing a camoflage hat today. Where was his head?
A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Ya know, we got a drink named after you.”
The grasshopper replies, “Why would you name a drink ‘Melvin’?”
Travelling salesman breaks down in the middle of farm country. He sit’s by his car, and eventually a farmer comes by on his tractor, with his very beautiful daughter, and stops. Salesman says “Can you help me? My car broke down.”
The Farmer looks at the engine and tells him he’s got a broken part. The farmer says “I can get a part to replace it, but I’ll have to call it in and it’ll take 4 days to get here. Closest hotel aint for 100 miles.”
“Well can I impose on you for some shelter while I wait?” asks the salesman.
“Well, I only got 2 beds. Ones mine and ones my daughter’s. Now, you damn sure aint sleepin’ with me. I don’t mind if you sleep with my daughter, I don’t even mind if you fuck her. But no man touches my daughter than don’t got a dick at least 10” long." the farmer tells him.
“What? Damn. I only got 6 inches.”
“Well son, why don’t you stay in the barn for the night. you go out and work on that ol’ mule of mine, and we’ll talk in the morning.”
So the salesman spends the night in the barn humping the mule. Sure enough, the next morning he measures his johnson and it’s a full 2 inches longer. He runs up to the farmer and says “I’m 8 inches now!!! It’s amazing. Can I spend the night with you daughter now?”
“Now I told ya, 10 inches or nothin’” the farmer explains. “Why don’t you work on her again tonite and we’ll talk in the morning.”
The guy humps the mule all nite. Next morning, another 1 3/4 inches!!! He runs to the farmer “Come on!!! I got 9 3/4 inches. That’s gotta be close enough!!!”
“Close, but no cigar. Talk to me tomorrow.”
Depressed the man goes back to the barn. He spends the whole nite really tearing into the mule. Next morning he comes out with a giant smile. “Got 11 and a half inches, I do.” he brags to the farmer.
“Guess your ready for my daughter then?” the farmer responds.
“Fuck your daughter, how much you want for the mule?”
DaLovin’Dj
Jokes? You want jokes? I don’t do jokes. Sorry.
-Rue.
Me:Knock knock.
You: Who’s there?
Me: Interrupting cow.
You: Interrupting cow wh…
Me: MOOOO!
The bartender looks up from polishing the beer mugs and sees a guy walk in. The bartender thinks to himself, ‘man, that is the ugliest S.O.B I have ever seen. Christ, it hurts to just look at him’. The ugly guy looks around, walks over, and slaps a hundred dollar bill on the bar. Then he says, “hey barkeep, see that couple in the booth over there?”
The bartender looks down the bar to where the couple is sitting. The guy is a good-looking all-American type. The girl is absolutely gorgeous. Blonde, green eyed, model for Victoria’s Secret type gorgeous. The bartender nods, “yeah, I see 'em”
The ugly guy says, “This 100 bucks says I can walk over there and inside of two minutes that chick will get up and walk out with me.”
The bartender looks at the ugly guy. He sees that this human mutant has pockmarks, a huge nose, a monobrow, part of one ear ripped off, and a facial structure completely unfamiliar with the concept of symmetry. The ugly guy pulls out another hundred dollar bill and slaps it down. “tell you what, I’ll sweeten the bet. She’ll pinch my ass on the way out.”
“awright”, says the bartender as he matches the bet. He thinks to himself ‘easy money’ as he watches the ugly guy walk over to the couple. He can only see the guys back and is too far away to hear the conversation, but doesn’t expect a thing. Sure enough, after about a minute, the goddess gets up and the ugly guy puts his arm around her. She pinches his ass, the ugly guy picks up the 400 bucks, and they exit the bar.
‘No way! I must have been conned!’, thinks the bartender. He hops over the bar and runs over to the all-American guy still sitting in the booth. “That guy!”, stammers the bartender,“what? how? I mean…your woman just left with him. What did he say to her?”
The guy in the booth just sits there for a second with a look of shock on his face. He gathers himself after a moment and then says, “man, he didn’t say nothing. He just stood there, licking his eyebrows”.