the ULTIMATE joke!!!!!!

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
61

John’s dog isn’t doing too well, so he takes the dog to the vet.

The vet looks at the dog, shines a light in its eye, lifts its tail, and then turns to John. “My diagnosis is that your dog is dead.”

“What?” says John. "I don’t believe you – how can you tell that, after hardly doing any tests at all?

The vet shrugs and says, “Okay, I’ll do one more test.” He leaves the room and comes back a minute later with a mean-looking cat, twisting and yowling in his arms.

He holds the cat over the dog’s butt. The dog doesn’t move.

He holds the cat over the dog’s torso. The dog doesn’t move.

He holds the cat right in front of the dog’s nose, and the dog still doesn’t move.

“Okay, okay,” says John, “I believe you. How much do I owe you?”

“Five hundred and twenty five dollars,” the vet says.

“Five hundred and twenty five dollars?!” shouts John. “That’s ridiculous! Why would I pay you that much?”

“Well,” says the vet, “It’s twenty five dollars for the office visit, and five hundred for the cat scan.”

62

Two nuns are driving through Transylvania one dark and stormy night. As they drive on the lonely country road, a bat slams against their windshield, and, to their surprise clings to windshield instead of falling off.

Sister Mary says to Sister Agnes, “Sister, try the washer fluid, maybe that will make the horrible creature let go.”

So she does, spraying the bat. But instead of knocking him off the windshield, the water only irritates the which begins hissing at them.

Sister Mary says to Sister Agnes, “Sister, try the windshield wipers, maybe they will knock him off.”

So she does, and the bat lis flung from side to side, but still clings to the windshield, hissing louder, obviously infuriated by the nuns’ efforts to dislodge him.

Seconds later, to their further surprise . . . POOOF ! ! !
the bat turns into a vampire . . . which glares at them through the glass.

Sister Mary says “Quick, Sister Agnes. Show him your cross.”

So Sister Agnes leans our the window and . . .
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yells, “GET OFF THE WINDSHIELD, GOD DAMN IT! ! !”

63

An elderly couple were having breakfast on the morning of the 50th anniversary of their marriage. “Honey,” said grandma, “remember back when we were doin’ the naughty stuff afore we got married?”

Grandpa replies, “Yep, I remember when the two of us would sneak out to the barn, climb up to the hayloft, and git as nekkid as jaybirds!”

Grandma says, “Honey, how about we go and get nekkid agin like we used to?”

So the two of them slipped out of their clothes. Their loose, cobwebbed skin plopped and sagged everywhere. “Honey,” said the grandma, “Seeing you nekkid has got me all horny agin. I gots me such a warm feelin, I feel like mah titties is on fire!”

Grandpa says, “Well no wonder, woman! Yew got one of em in yer coffee and the other un in yer oatmeal!”

64

oops. sorry Tracer. Its been a long week.

65

  1. How many cockroaches does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    No one knows. Every time the light goes on, they disappear.

  2. What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

    Anyone can roast beef.

  3. What’s the difference between broccoli and boogers?

    Some people just don’t like broccoli.

  4. Two old men were sitting on a porch talking. The first one said, “Life has been good to me, but I wouldn’t mind leaving it when my time came if I could only be sure that I could still enjoy baseball once I got to heaven.”

    The second one said, “You know, I feel the same way myself.” So they made a pact that whichever one died first would come back and tell the other one whether or not there was baseball in heaven.

    Shortly thereafter, the first man had a heart attack and died.

    The second man was sitting all alone on his porch when his old friend appeared in a flash of light. He let out a cry of joy. “Bob! Bob! You did it! You came back! What have you come to tell me?”

    “I have good news and bad news,” the apparition said.

    "Well, what’s the good news?

    “The good news is, there IS baseball in heaven!”

    “Wonderful! You’ve made me very happy. But what’s the bad news?”

    “You’re pitching on Sunday.”

66

Nun jokes are the best.

Wolfman made me LOL with his post (9th down) from THIS THREAD about Neuticles - which are funny anyway:

AlaItalia

quote:

http://www.neuticles.com/index1.html:
Canine NeuticlesULTRA® (Solid Silicone)
Item # Description Each Pair
NU-Large 65 to 90 lbs+ $90.00 $129.00
NU-Medium 30 to 60 lbs $84.00 $119.00
NU-Small 11 to 30 lbs $76.00 $109.00
NU-XSmall 3 to 10 lbs 69.00 99.00
NU-Petite 1 to 3 lbs 62.00 89.00

Un-believable.

What, no Xtra-Large?

wolfman

quote:

NU-Large 65 to 90 lbs+ $90.00 $129.00

I must be really out of it today cause I just spent about 30 seconds trying to figure out what the hell kind of dog has 90 pound testicles.

:rolleyes: :smiley:

Flapcats is still thinking about which joke to post.

67

What’s the difference between light and hard?

It’s possible to fall asleep with a light on.

68

Brevity, eh? Fine, how’s this…

A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we got a drink named after you!” The grasshopper says, “You got a drink named Steve?”

(And, yes, I’m posting this fully aware that I already posted it in that LAST joke thread.)

69

[de-lurk]

Well, someone already took the joke that I posted in the last joke thread… so I’m just here to subscribe :slight_smile:

Come on people, what’s the holdup?!

[/re-lurk]

70

Doctor to patient: “I think you have amnesia”
Patient to Doc: “What?” “Again?”

Another version:
Patient to Doc: Help me, Doc. I think I have amnesia.
Doc to patient: Tell me, have you had this before?

71

Berel, Chaim, and Fivel decide to go to a very fancy, but restricted, country club for dinner. They know they can’t get in with their real names, and so they come up with a plan.

Chaim says, “I’ll tell them my name is Chuck.”

Berel says, “I’ll tall them my name is Buck.”

Fivel says, “I’m not going.”

72

Three Texas surgeons were arguing as to which had the greatest skill. The first began: “Three years ago, I reattached seven fingers on a pianist. He went on to give a recital for the Queen of England.”

The second replied: “That’s nothing. I attended a man in a car accident. His arms and legs were severed from his body. Two years after I reattached them, he won three gold medals for field events in the Sydney Olympics.”

The third said: “A few years back, I attended to a cowboy. He was high on cocaine and alcohol when he rode his horse head-on into a Santa Fe freight train traveling at 100 miles per hour. All I had to work with was the horse’s ass and a ten gallon hat. Two years ago he became president of the United States.”

heh.

73

opalcat you’re gonna burn in hell for that. burn I tell ya! and we’ll all be standin’ around toasting marshmallows laughing at that joke. that’s a good one.

74

What is this, Resurrect Ancient Threads Week?

75

The passenger in a taxi wanted to speak to the driver, so he leaned forward and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, jumped up in the air and yanked the wheel over. The car mounted the curb, demolished a lamppost and came to a stop inches from a shop window.
The startled passenger said, “I didn’t mean to frighten you, just wanted to ask you something.”
The driver says, “Not your fault. It’s my first day as a cab driver. I’ve been driving a hearse for the past 25 years.”

76

Before I tell you this joke, I must warn you. I havent told this in a very long time…BEWARE!
A lady was doing her weekly shopping when she bumped into an extremely attractive man by accident. The man looks in her trolley and checks out the items she is going to purchase. He notes a small loaf of bread , small milk, soup for one, etc The women spots him looking through her trolley feeling embarrased not only because she had bumped into him but also because she seen him notice some of her items in her trolley. Her thoughts are interupted when the man says…

“Let me guess your single, right?”

Yet again the womens embarresment creaps up about her items.

she replies

“does my shopping make it that obvious?”

he replies

“no, its because your fucking ugly!”

sorry!
~ poopsy ~
:smiley:

77

In physics, however… Gravity is the soul of wt.

:smiley:

78

Michael Jackson is re-doing an old Elton John Song but he is renaming it:

“Don’t Let Your Son Go Down on Me”.

79

Guy walks into a bar. Bartender approaches. Guy says, with real urgency, “Quick - give me 10 shots of your best single-malt scotch!”

The bartender sets them up, and the guy starts knocking them back in one gulp, about 5 seconds for each.

The bartender says, “Man, I’ve never seen anybody drink that fast!”

The guy says, “Listen buddy - let me tell you something. If you just found out that you had what I’ve got, you’d be drinking pretty darn fast yourself.” And he continues to gulp down the shots of scotch.

The bartender’s eyes grow wide. “Oh my God - what is it? What have you got?”

The guy slaps the final empty shot glass on the bar and says “Fifty cents.”

80

Guy walks into a bar with a dog. Bartender approaches and says “Sorry buddy, no pets allowed.”

“No, you don’t understand. This isn’t a pet - he’s a talking dog.”

With some distain, the bartender says “Okay - I’ll tell you what. If that dog can talk, you can both stay and I’ll buy you a drink. Otherwise, you’re out of here.”

“Well, he’s a bit shy, but I’ll ask him some questions - you’ll see.” To the dog: “What’s the texture of sandpaper?”

The dog says “Rough!”

“What keeps the rain out of your house?”

“Roof!”

“Who’s the greatest baseball player of all time?”

“Ruth!”

The bartender jumps in. “You two! Out! Out of here right now!”

As they walk dejectedly out the door, the man says to the dog “Well, that certainly didn’t work too well.”

The dog says “Yeah - probably another one of them DiMaggio fans.”