The Ultimate Pick-Me-Up Thread

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
181
  • ** EVIDENCE THAT YOU LIVE IN THE YEAR 2001

1.* You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.

2.* You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

3.* You call your son’s beeper to let him know it’s time to eat. He
e-mails
you back from his bedroom, “What’s for dinner?”

4.* Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.

5.* You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but
you
haven’t spoken with your next door neighbor yet this year.

6.* You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if
it contains Echinacea.

7.* Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so
she can create a new screen saver.

8.* You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see
if anyone is home.

9.* Every commercial on television has a web-site address at the bottom
of the screen.

10.* You buy a computer and 6 months later it’s out of date and now
sells for half the price you paid.

  1. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn’t have
    the first 20 or 30 years of your life is cause for panic and
    turning around to go get it.

12.* Using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase
would be a hassle and take planning.

13.* Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of
the back seat of your car.

14.* Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they
don’t have e-mail addresses.

15.* You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.

16.* Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.

17.* Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored Post-it notes.

18.* You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.

19.* You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls.

20.* You disconnect from the Internet and get this awful feeling, as if
you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

21.* You get up in the morning and go on-line before getting your coffee.

22.* You wake up at 2 AM to go to the bath room and check your E-mail
on your way back to bed.

23.* You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :slight_smile:

24.* You’re thinking how true all of this is.

25.* Even worse, you’re probably going to forward it to someone else.

182

The Fifteen Interludes of Life
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

  1. Don’t go for wealth - it can deceive;
    Don’t be hung up on looks - they will fade away.
    Go for someone who makes you smile
    'cause only a smile makes a dark day bright.
    Have hope that you find that person who gets you smiling.

  2. May you have enough happiness to make you sweet,
    enough trials to make you strong,
    enough sorrow to keep you human,
    enough hope to make you happy and
    enough money to buy gifts!!!

  3. When one door of happiness closes, another opens but often we look so long at the closed door that we don’t see the one which has been opened for us.

  4. It’s true that we don’t know what we’ve got until we lose it,
    but it’s also true that we don’t know what we’ve been missing until it arrives.

  5. Always put yourself in other’s shoes.
    If you feel that it hurts you, no doubt it probably hurts the other person, too.

  6. The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them with our own image -

    • otherwise, we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them.

  7. Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one so that when we finally meet the right person, we should know how to be grateful for that gift.

  8. It takes a minute to become infatuated with someone, an hour to like someone and a day to love someone -
    but it takes a lifetime to forget someone.

  9. Love is when you take away the feeling, the passion, the romance and you find out you still love the person.

  10. A sad thing about life is when you meet someone who means so much to you only to find out that beloved one doesn’t feel as you do, and you find yourself needing to choose between staying and feeling hurt, or letting go.

  11. Love starts with a smile, develops with a kiss and ends with either a tear or an eternal embrace.

  12. Love comes to those who still hope even though they’ve been disappointed, to those who still believe, even though they’ve been betrayed, to those who still love even though they’ve been deeply wounded before.

  13. It hurts to love someone and not be loved in return, but what is the most painful is to love someone and never find the courage to let the person know how you feel.

  14. There are things you love to hear but you would never hear it from the person whom you would like to hear it from,
    but don’t be deaf to hear it from the person who does say it to you with his heart.

  15. When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling - live your life so that when you die, you’re smiling and everyone around you is crying ~ tears of joy for having known you.

183

I wanted to bump this thread a little and offer out hugs to anyone that needs them. I don’t have the wealth of jokes the Verrain has (and thanks for keeping the candle bright!), but I’m always good for the hugs and the flirts.

Hope everyone is having a great weekend!!! It feels so GOOD to be back!

184

{{{{{True Pisces}}}}} Welcome back, my friend! Between the humor and hugs we’ll take on any blah’s out there. Or at least try to inject a bit of silver lining into the cloud.

185

An extra big hug for Arden, 'cause I know she needs it right about now. It’s not my place to say why, I just know she needs to know that a lot of Dopers stand behind her and are there for her with the support she needs.

WE LOVE YOU ARDEN!!!

186

Home is where you can say anything you like,
because nobody listens to you anyway.

Regular naps prevent old age,
especially if you take them while driving.

Sex is hereditary.
If your parents never had it, you won’t either.

I don’t approve of political jokes.
I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

I have learned there is little difference in wives,
you might as well keep the first.

There are two sides to every divorce:
Yours and shithead’s.

If life deals you lemons, make lemonade;
if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.

Travel is very educational.
I can now say ‘Kaopectate’ in seven languages.

Shopping tip:
You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys.

I am a nobody,
nobody is perfect,
therefore I am perfect.

No one ever says ‘It’s only a game,’
when their team is winning.

How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?

How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you’re on.

Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

The next time you feel like complaining, remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than sixty percent of the people in this world.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

187

I miss my baby. He’s on vacation and I won’t get to talk to him until Tuesday.
Verrain?

Help!

188

{{{hardygrrl}}} ('cause I don’t think a flirt from me would be quite what you need! :wink: )

On a different note (slightly)…

Found out a few things today of which I’m not at liberty to say, but suffice it to say that lots of hugs are needed. I’m sure I’m not the only one, so anyone that does, pop your head in and we’ll get a big old group hug going on, ok?

189

Hugs needed indeed. Here’s to you, kid.

{{{Group Hug of 2}}}

190

{{hardygrrl}} {{everyone else}} My Email and ICQ is out there, my ear is always open, and hardy How YOU doin? :smiley:

And now some humor, for that is what I do best.

Why I Didn’t Show Up For Work
I had twelve bottles of whisky in my celler, and was told by my wife to
empty the contents of each bottle down the sink or else. So I said I
would, and proceeded with the unpleasant task.

I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down
the drain with the ecception of one glass, which I drank. I extracted
tho cork from the second bottle and did likewise, with the exception of
one glass, which I drank.

I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey
down the sink, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I pulled
the cork from the fourth sink and poured the bottle down the glass which
I drank; pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink
out of it and threw tho rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out ot
the next glass and poured the cork from the bottle. Then I corked the
sink with the glass, bottled the drank and drinked the pour. When I had
every one emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the
bottles, corks, and glasses, and sinks with the other, which were 29,
and as the house came by I counted them again and finally had all the
houses in one bottle which I drank.

I was not under tho alcofluence of incohol, as some theople pink I was.

I was not as thunk as you might drink. I felt so feelish, I didn’t know
who was me, and the drunker I stood thero the longer I got.

   ++----------------++

An elderly woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive
her husband’s sex drive.

“What about trying Viagra?” asks the doctor.

“Not a chance,” says Mrs. Murphy. “He won’t even take an aspirin
for a headache.”

“No problem,” replies the doctor. “Drop it into his coffee, he
won’t even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me
know how you got on.”

A week later Mrs. Murphy returns to the doctor and he inquires as
to how things went.

“Oh it was terrible, just terrible doctor.”

“What happened?” asks the doctor.

“Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The
effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery
off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then
proceeded to make passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was
terrible.”

“What was terrible?” said the doctor, “was the sex not good?”

“Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I’ve had in 25 years, but
I’ll never be able to show my face in McDonald’s again.”

191

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:
Oh Oracle, of winding explanations and unrelated answers:

   If you pressure Nat King Cole enough, does he turn into Neil Diamond?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
   Of course. Well spotted, dear metamorphic supplicant.

   You'll also find that Metallica and Iron Maiden will be fashioned into
   Tool.

   Hot Chocolate were dehydrated to form Eminem.

   The Mammas and the Papas gave birth to - of course - The Offspring

   Fortunately, Godsmack were miraculously transformed into Collective
   Soul.

   Unfortunately, Bread just putrefied into Limp Bizkit.

   98 Degrees was all that was left when Canned Heat burned out.

   Pearl Jam are a direct descendent of the Blue Oyster Cult by way of
   Preservation Hall.

   Jewel was faceted for fame by The Cutting Room.

   And Ruby Tuesday was originally a little poem composed on a Wednesday by
   an unformed piece of impure carborundum.

   You owe the Oracle a sequined segue.
192

Verrain,

You know the story,so when I say that right now I could not feel any worse…
I don’t need flirts right now. Maybe more kleenex but I need a pick-me-up more than you could ever imagine.

193

{{{{{Tanya}}}}}

I wish I could say it will get better soon, but I’ve been there myself, and I know it takes time. Be strong, know that you do have friends, and try to remember that you’re doing what’s best for YOU, in the long run. (And remember the truth in my sig… share if you need to - and ask for all the pick-me-ups you need. They’re here…)

194

{{{{{Tanya}}}}} I wish I checked in sooner, my friend. I’ll be sure to seek you out on mail tonight if you want to tallk. In the meantime, a bit of humor.

Back in the bad old days when I was working in a fast food joint…

There was one female type person on the night crew. A very attractive young lady with a penchant for wearing mini-skirts. Needless to say, we did not object to this in the
least. In fact, we used to let her wipe down the tables up front, instead of slopping the french fryers and such. Admittedly one of our reasons was that in order to wipe down
the tables she had to lean far over them and stretch. Generally facing away from the counter.

This was when we learned that she tended to wear panties that matched her nail polish. No kidding! She came in one day with black nail polish with silver speckles, and it
turned out that she was wearing black panties with silver spangles. Another day, she came in wearing pink nail polish on one hand, and blue on the other. The panties
were blue on one cheek, and pink on the other.

But … one evening … great anticipation … When would she EVER go out and wipe the tables ??? … She came in to work, and she was wearing no nail polish!

She never did tables that night, and we never knew.

I suspect we were set up.

195

Top Ten Things NOT To Say To The Cop Who Pulls You Over

  1. Your so called “speed limits” mean nothing to me flatfoot. I live my life one quarter-mile at a time.

  2. You again? I thought I lose you at that last red light.

  3. Aren’t you going to strip search me, big boy?

  4. I am not the droid you’re looking for. You don’t need to see my papers.

  5. Darn! My radar detector must be broken again.

  6. You better hurry up with that ticket. Dunkin’ Donuts closes in 15 minutes.

  7. You’re not going to search my trunk are you?

  8. How about you watch my friend Ben Franklin while I get my
    registration?

  9. Sorry I was speeding officer, but your daughter said she had to be home by eleven.

  10. Hey Barney! How are things in Mayberry?

196

Top Ten Things NOT To Say To The Cop Who Pulls You Over

  1. Your so called “speed limits” mean nothing to me flatfoot. I live my life one quarter-mile at a time.

  2. You again? I thought I lose you at that last red light.

  3. Aren’t you going to strip search me, big boy?

  4. I am not the droid you’re looking for. You don’t need to see my papers.

  5. Darn! My radar detector must be broken again.

  6. You better hurry up with that ticket. Dunkin’ Donuts closes in 15 minutes.

  7. You’re not going to search my trunk are you?

  8. How about you watch my friend Ben Franklin while I get my
    registration?

  9. Sorry I was speeding officer, but your daughter said she had to be home by eleven.

  10. Hey Barney! How are things in Mayberry?

197

On the UPS web page I see that UPS is the official delivery company of NASCAR.

I don’t want NASCAR to use UPS. I want UPS to use NASCAR.

198

They’re everywhere. This one, according to today’s New Haven Register, wasobserved in the Wallingford, CT post office:

A man walks into the Wallingford post office, says that he has just returned from vacation, and wants his mail. The clerk asks for ID. The man doesn’t have any. The postal worker states that he needs to see some positive identification, and requests that the man return with ID. The man refuses. The clerk is adamant. The man starts yelling at the postal worker, and threatens to return with a police officer, and have the clerk arrested. The clerk stands firm; the man leaves. Amazingly, he returns with a cop.

Man: There he is, officer! Arrest that man!
Cop: What seems to be the problem here?
Clerk: [Explains situation to cop].
Cop: [Explains to man that clerk is doing his job correctly].
Man: You fat pig! You do nothing but sit around and eat donuts all day!
Cop: I see. Why won’t the clerk give you your mail?
Man: He wants ID!
Cop: Do you have any?
Man: No! I told you- I just got back from vacation!
Cop: I see. And how did you get to the post office?
Man: I drove, of course!
Cop: Without a license? You’re coming with me…

I love poetic justice. Don’t you?

199

Asked “What’s the difference between a diplomat and a lady?”
the reply came:

If a diplomat says “yes”, he means “Maybe”.
If a diplomat says “Maybe”, he means “No”.
If a diplomat says “No”, he’s no diplomat.

But on the other hand,

If a lady says “No”, she means “Maybe”.
If a lady says “Maybe”, she means “Yes”.
If a lady says “Yes”, she’s no lady.

200

I’ve just been feeling a little blah lately. Wouldn’t mind if anyone had pick-me-up things to toss my way. Of course finding humor and touching things helps me a great deal but its nice to receive once in a while. I know all of you out have at least one joke or things that makes you smile locked away in your memories somewhere. Here’s a few of mine.

The night six of my friends entered a dorm lounge with the heaviest Nerf weaponry known to man. Incoming!

The time we made the trip to the diner in daylight and realized we had never noticed the waterfall in over two years of driving at night.

The night driving back from the diner when our path was blocked by dear and the driver hopped out of the car screaming, “Venison! All of you venison!”

Seeing Batman break up a fight between Darth Vder and a Jedi.

Snuggling up with the first cat that ever accepted me.

My mother actually crocheting me an 18ft long Doctor Who scarf. Laughing when my uncle aksed if I was prone to throat colds. Smiling as me and two friends wrapped up it in and went walking.

Walking in the fog with my then girlfriend and loving fog ever since.

Any little moments to share out there?