The Ultimate Pick-Me-Up Thread

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
161

{{{{{Verrain}}}}}

Never been in grad school hell, but I know it’s probably not a lot of fun. My net access at home this week is spotty at best, but PLEASE email or IM me, hon. You know I’m here for ya. :slight_smile:

As for humor, all I have is this…it’s funnier if yer a cat owner.

CAT’S BILL OF RIGHTS

  1. Humans shall make no law respecting an establishment of boundaries or prohibiting the free exercise therein, or abridging the freedom of access, or the right to peaceful assembly. In other words: The cat is entitled to go outside anytime he wants.

  2. A well-carried provisional chamber, being necessary to the fulfillment of a feline’s whims, shall not be infringed. In other words: The cat is entitled to EAT anytime he wants.

  3. The right of the feline to be secure in their domain and effects against unreasonable discomposure, shall not be violated. In other words: The cat is entitled to SLEEP anytime he wants.

  4. Humans shall issue no warrants or decrees or edicts as prescribed to the demarcation of possessions or property which are in direct conflict with right of life, liberty and the pursuit of feline affirmation. In other words: The cat is entitled to sleep ANYWHERE he wants.

  5. The feline shall be immune to all criminal accusations,
    indictments and complaints. The accused shall enjoy the
    right to a speedy and impartial dismissal of any and all
    charges provided said feline’s compulsory right to obtain
    any or all witnesses, including character witnesses, are
    obtained in his favor. In other words: Cats can do anything
    they want as long as it’s cute.

  6. Neither serfdom, vassalage, or involuntary servitude will be tolerated, except by said cats in proprietorship of their humans. In other words: What I say goes. (And I say feed me … Again.)

  7. No Canis familiaris shall, in time of peace or at any
    other time, be quartered in any dwelling without the consent of the potentate, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by sovereign. In other words: No dogs in the house without my permission.

  8. The right of the feline to be protected against
    unreasonable search and seizures shall not be breached or
    infringed upon at anytime or any place. In other words:
    Don’t disturb me when I am sleeping.

162

Thank you Falcon and Pucette. The proposal is in and the defense is on the 14th of June and I can breathe again for a bit. ANd so on with the humor!

With apologies to any British who they need an apology.

> Erm, you have it entirely wrong. Americans can’t, as a rule, speak or
> write their own language well enough to correct anyone on it, much less
> those who invented the language in the first place.
>
> The fact that “ain’t” is now in the dictionary disturbs me no end. And
> the very fact that you spell “burglarise” with a ‘z’ (there are NO
> proper “ise” words which you spell with “ize” attests to your own
> acceptance of the complete mangling of the English language.

Surprize, surprize…
According to my American dictionary, I find several -ise verbs that the
Americans spell with an s instead of a z.
Circumcise, compromise, exercise, exorcise and improvise.
I find it disturbing that they insist on “anglicize” though…

In the interest of promoting friendship between the two countries, I decided
to develop a few programs to help translating between the two:

— cut here — to_us — cut here —
#!/bin/perl -pi.uk -e ‘s/ise((|s|d)\W)/ize$1/g; s/our((|s|ed)\W)/or$1/g’
— cut here — to_us — cut here —

— cut here — to_uk — cut here —
#!/bin/perl -pi.us -e ‘s/ize((|s|d)\W)/ize$1/g; s/or((|s|ed)\W)/our$1/g’
— cut here — to_uk — cut here —

Usage:
to_uk <list of files to convert>
to_us <list of files to convert>

to_uk Version 1.00
to_us Version 1.00
Copyright © 2001 Arthur Hagen - all rights reservedized.

The next version will deal with translations like:

UK US
biscuit cookie
scone biscuit
lump of dough scone
fag cigarette
homo fag
gay happy
socialist communist
whig socialist
tory democrat
right-wing tory republican
green tree-hugging
bloke buddy
sod fuck
oops fuck
oh fuck
jolly fucking
very fucking
really fucking
quite fucking
guy motherfucker
bloody motherfucking
darn motherfucking
, , you know,
. , know what I mean?
! , man!
nude pornographic
nudity porn
flat apartment
lift elevator
chemists drug store
loo rest room
complain sue
chips fries
maize corn
corn grain
coffee espresso
tepid water coffee
cold water beer
tipsy drunk
drunk plastered
pissed dead drunk
annoyed pissed
irate postal
nice cool
cool cold
cold freezing
snow snow storm
drizzle rain storm
rain flood warning
light breeze wind storm
windy hurricane
foreign weather sunshine
brolly umbrella
telly TV
umpire referee
bowler pitcher
football soccer

I believe there could be a market for a conversion program like this.
Hmm - perhaps I should make a TealInfo translator?

Regards,

*Art

163

{{Verrain}}

Hope all goes well for you.:slight_smile:

164

Thanks, Hardygrrl. Things are going fairly well. I did a dry run of my presentation. I have some work to do still, but things are coming along. Humor for my friends out there.
A man, called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant
for advice on what to wear.

“Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a
pauper,” the accountant replied.

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the
opposite advice. “Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your
most elegant suit and tie.”

Confused, the man went to his Rabbi, told him of the
conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the
dilemma.

“Let me tell you a story,” replied the Rabbi. "A woman,
about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her
wedding night. ‘Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that
goes right up to your neck.’ But when she asked her best
friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most sexy
negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel.

The man protested: “What does all this have to do with my
problem with the IRS?”

“No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed.”

Fun Anagrams

Federal Government = Large fervent demon
Television = Evil on site
The Meaning of Life = The Offline Enigma
Political Correctness = Lies Control Practices
Life on Mars = Alien Forms
Walter Cronkite = Wet Latrine Cork
Richard Simmons = Disharmonic Mrs.
United States of America = And Fat Societies Mature
Democrats = Mad Sector
Republicans = Curable Spin
The Republican Party = Elephant Purity Crab
The Democratic Party = Pretty Chaotic Dream
Kentucky Fried Chicken = Yuck! Feet in drink. Check!
Howard Stern = Retard Shown
George Bush = He bugs Gore
Falsehoods = Hassle Food
The Country Side = No City

165

Good to see you back ** Verrain **

[sub] I finally learned to code since you’ve been gone [/sub]
Keep the good thoughts coming…and the good wishes as well. I really want things to work out for me and ** SP **, I really do. I want things to work out so everyone involved is happy.

To quote Tom Petty…“The waiting is the hardest part.”
{{{Verrain}}}

Missed you :slight_smile:

166

{{Hardygrrl}} Missed you and the rest of the board too. Here’s some humor.

A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She then asked if there was something she could help the gentleman with.

The man said “this is embarrassing for me, but I have a permanent erection which causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?”

The pharmacist said “Just a minute, I’ll go talk to my sister.”

When she returned, she said, “the best we can do is 1/3 ownership in the store, $3000 a month and living expenses.”

167

Well, I’m sending mad hugs to TruePisces and Falcon today.

TruePisces, I’m really sorry about the current situation you are in. I wish there were more I could sanely do. We’ll talk more about it tonight, but here’s the hug {{{TP}}}, and here’s asking you folks for hugs for you.

Falc, you’re in my thoughts. You’re doing better than I think I would be doing :slight_smile: {{Amy}}

Hugs to Maeglin too… to quote Rasa in the other hug thread, “just because.”

And hugs to anyone else who needs today. I’m just in that kind of mood…

168

TruePisces and Falcon are in trouble? Quick to the Batmobile!

::Verrain flips on a cape, runs out to the garage and surveys his '89 Plymouth Acclaim. Suddenly his reality check is cashed.::

Okay let’s go with plan B.

{{{TruePisces}}} {{{Falcon}}}

Sorry to hear life is once more troubling. I won’t be around the IM’s much this week but Email is always open.

{{{Pucette}}}

Thanks for the hug while I’m still in grad school hell, and for letting us know two Doper pals need some support. As I have the time, I’ll keep the humor flowing.

169

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> So, where is the beef?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If you would like a joke which makes a reference to the fast food
} industry using artificial meat products in their hamburgers, please
} press one.
}
} If you would like a joke about Mad Cow disease, please press two.
}
} If you would directions to the beef, please press three.
}
} If you would like us to locate the beef via the Global Positioning
} System, please press four.
}
} If you would like some vague sexual innuendo which takes the term
} “beef” to be a euphemism for something, please press five.
}
} [BEEP}
}
} In my pants, baby.
}
} You owe the Oracle a rotary telephone.

170

Well, its not humor, but I felt a need to put things in perspective today.

If you woke up this morning with more health than illness…you are more blessed than the million who will not survive this week.

If you have never experienced the danger of battle, the loneliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture, or the pangs of starvation … you are ahead of 500 million people in the world.

If you can attend a church meeting without fear of harassment, arrest, torture, or death…you are more blessed than three billion people in the world.

If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof overhead and a place to sleep…you are richer than 75% of this world.

If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a dish someplace … you are among the top 8% of the world’s wealthy.

If your parents are still alive and still married … you are very rare, even in the United States and Canada.

If you hold up your head with a smile on your face and are truly thankful…you are blessed because the majority can, but most do not.

If you can hold someone’s hand, hug them, or even touch them on the shoulder…you are blessed because you can offer healing touch.

If you can read this message, you just received a double blessing in that someone was thinking of you, and furthermore, you are more blessed than over two billion people in the world that cannot read at all.
Hugs and blessings to you all.

171

And hugs and kisses and good wishes to all of you who have been keeping this thread going.

----:)/ x o x o x
----///\\

172

Here’s your weekly safety brief. Be careful what you wear (or don’t wear), when working under your vehicle…especially in public.

From the Sydney Morning Herald Australia comes this story of a central west couple who drove their car to K-Mart only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car there in the lot.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones

Unable to stand the embarrassment she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts and tucked everything back into place.

On regaining her feet she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head.

173

Recently I had the following encounter in the deli section of a large grocery store:

Me: I’d like a pint of the jello salad, please.

(The kid behind the counter reaches for the cup-sized container.)

Me: Sorry – pint, not cup.
Kid: Huh?
Me: (pointing) This size.
Kid: Oh. That’s a pound.
Me: That depends on what you put in it.
Kid: Huh?
Me: “Pint” is volume, not weight. What that amount weighs depends on what you put in it.
Kid: This is a pound, not a pint.
Me: If you fill it with potato salad it’s probably more than a pound; if you fill it with that marshmallow fluff it’s a lot less.
Kid: Huh?
Me: Never mind, just give me a pound of jello.

In case you’re wondering, my pound of jello weighed about 12 ounces.

174

Do they measure Jello in Troy oz?

BTW, the mechanic story was very funny - though I’d jump if anyone “handled” me when I wasn’t expecting it, even if she normally had permission.

175

lurkernomore, Spider Woman Thank you for the thanks. It is good to know people are reading and enjoying.

Top 20 ways to say “Your Fly Is Open”

  1. The cucumber has left the salad.
  2. I can see the gun of Navarone.
  3. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
  4. You’ve got Windows in your laptop.
  5. Sailor Ned’s trying to take a little shore leave.
  6. Your soldier ain’t so unknown now.
  7. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bell.
  8. Paging Mr. Johnson… Paging Mr. Johnson…
  9. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
  10. Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
  11. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
  12. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
  13. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
  14. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
  15. Dr. Kimble has escaped!
  16. You’ve got your fly set for “Monica” instead of “Hillary.”
  17. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction…
  18. You’ve got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
  19. I’m talking about Shaft, can you dig it?

AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY TO TELL SOMEONE THEIR FLY IS UNZIPPED…

  1. I thought you were crazy; now I see your nuts.

From:
mematz <mematz@msn.com>
To:
Ruth Kluchenek <RAKSMK@aol.com>, patti b burns <burnspattib@aol.com>,Mary Cox <JMNMO@aol.com>, Marilyn Gannon <marmay8th@aol.com>,Marge
Koprowski <richmarg@waypt.com>, Marge Kennedy <KENMARGEinFL@aol.com>, Linda Rogers <SNLVNI@aol.com>, Karen Howell <DOKAN2000@aol.com>,
“John W. Wasem” <mesaw1@email.msn.com>,Janet Slavik <JanJans26@aol.com>, Jack & Natalie Welt <NatJack222@aol.com>, Fjbanie@aol.com, elizabeth
lang <doinhair2@yahoo.com>, donna barber <joebloww2000@yahoo.com>,Diane courtright <Player5094@aol.com>
Subject:
Fw:
Date:
Fri, 22 Jun 2001 12:05:17 -0500
----- Original Message -----
From: Alice Frazier
To: mailto:Undisclosed-Recipient:@snipe.mail.pas.earthlink.net
Sent: Friday, June 22, 2001 6:43 AM

Top 20 ways to say “Your Fly Is Open”

  1. The cucumber has left the salad.
  2. I can see the gun of Navarone.
  3. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
  4. You’ve got Windows in your laptop.
  5. Sailor Ned’s trying to take a little shore leave.
  6. Your soldier ain’t so unknown now.
  7. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bell.
  8. Paging Mr. Johnson… Paging Mr. Johnson…
  9. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
  10. Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
  11. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
  12. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
  13. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
  14. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
  15. Dr. Kimble has escaped!
  16. You’ve got your fly set for “Monica” instead of “Hillary.”
  17. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction…
  18. You’ve got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
  19. I’m talking about Shaft, can you dig it?

AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY TO TELL SOMEONE THEIR FLY IS UNZIPPED…

  1. I thought you were crazy; now I see your nuts.
176

Back from my vacation and ready to rock!

Humor!

My mother taught me…

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE
“If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside - I just
finished cleaning!”

My mother taught me RELIGION
“You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL
“If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the
middle of next week!”

My mother taught me LOGIC
“Because I said so, that’s why.”

My mother taught me FORESIGHT
“Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an
accident.”

My mother taught me IRONY
“Keep laughing and I’ll ‘give’ you something to cry about.”

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS
“Shut your mouth and eat your supper!”

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM
“Will you ‘look’ at the dirt on the back of your neck!”

My mother taught me about STAMINA
“You’ll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished.”

My mother taught me about WEATHER
“It looks as if a tornado swept through your room.”

My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS
“If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you
listen then?”

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY
“If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times - Don’t
exaggerate!!!”

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE
“I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION
“Stop acting like your father!”

My mother taught me about ENVY
“There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who
don’t have wonderful parents like you do!”

177

My girlfriend cheated on me, I took her back, then she broke up with me later because I had a problem with her going naked hot-tubbing with her mostly-male friends, including her ex-husband (and I’m crying over her???). My programming job is sooooo boring, but the State is giving us a .7% raise this year!!! I’m too depressed to work out. Went for a bike ride yesterday in the 90 degree heat, and got a flat tire that couldn’t be fixed about 5 miles from home and had to walk home. Guess this qualifies to say something.

I only read the first and last pages, so I apoligize if this was said already:

Top Ten Drawbacks to Working in a Cubicle:

  1. Being told to “Think Outside the Box” when I’m in a @#$%? box all day!
  2. Not being able to check E-mail attachments without first seeing who is behind me.
  3. Fabric cubicle walls do not offer much protection from any kind of gunfire.
  4. That nagging feeling that if I just press the right button, I will get a piece of cheese.
  5. Lack of roof rafters for the noose.
  6. My walls are too close together for my hammock to work right.
  7. 23 power cords, 1 outlet.
  8. Prison cells are not only bigger, they have beds.
  9. When tours come through, I get lots of peanuts thrown at me.
  10. Can’t slam the door when you quit and walk out.
178

Whoa! That’s tough tlmtlm59. I hope the kind words and humor here have helped to brighten a dark time a bit. And if it hasn’t then, by golly, we’ll go arrange what will. Naked hot tubbing with female Dopers? No problem! An all expense paid tour of Nepal by yak drawn cart? Just name the type of yak! We are here for you, my man. Hope things get better in time.

179

Hot tubbing AND Yaks??? I knew I could count on you guys!

"The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death.

What’s that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards.

You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you’re too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work.

You work forty years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school.

You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating. . .you finish off as an orgasm."

-George Carlin

180

If a dog were your teacher, you would learn stuff like:

When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.

Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.

When it’s in your best interest, practice obedience.

Let others know when they’ve invaded your territory.

Take naps and stretch before rising.

Run, romp, and play daily.

Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.

On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.

On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.

When you’re happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

No matter how often you’re scolded, don’t buy into the guilt thing and pout… run right back and make friends.

Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.

Be loyal.

Never pretend to be something you’re not.

If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
And MOST of all…

When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.