Tune in next week for a Very Special After-School Episode that teaches kids not to lie/cheat/steal/hide in abandoned refridgerators (whoops my age is showing).
The teenage girl will acquire a dumb boyfriend who always acts dazed and has some recurring catchphrase like “duuuude” or “whoooaaahhh” or some such tripe. The catchphrase will garner applause on the laughtrack.
And then all of the male characters in the show will be challenged by all of the female characters to a match of (trivia, baseball, chin-ups, or whatever). The males will be quite cocky, repeatedly exclaiming that they will NEVER lose to “a bunch of girls.” And then, get this–the GIRLS WIN! If it’s a baseball game, the weakest, frailest girl will get the winning hit, preferably a home run. And, of course, if it’s a chess match, the male will smugly make a “check” move, only to be met by a triumphant “Checkmate!” by the girl.
Oh, and later on, someone angrily storms out the room, only to sheepishly return a moment later for a forgotten coat, purse, etc.
And don’t forget the precocious kid who always has the perfect wisecrack for any occasion and introduces to the country a new catch phrase!
And when there is a competition or disagreement between the spouses the wife always wins.
The nubile daughter is a gorgeous babe who is very attracted to boys, but she does not want to have sex with them, even though she’s the hottest firecracker to hit suburbia since … the last sitcom! In fact she will never have sex, though there may be some … hey, hey … heavy petting!
Dad – a well-meaning idiot who loves his family but almost gets them killed – in a lovable way – every week. Mom? – oh, she’s all-knowing but has the emotional resilience of a 13-year-old girl. Watch her go from shreiking harridan to timid poof in a span of seconds, all the while keeping her family together!
Mr. Doofus Dad-Husband decides he is going to strike it rich by buying an entire shipment of Mallomar bars. He enlists his wacky neighbor in the scheme.
But the learn they have accidentaly beaten the Mafia to the shipment and are now the target of a guy named Mugsy Carmine Mafioso. They have to hide ten truckloads of Mallomars, disguised as furniture, in the reception hall where the daughter is having her wedding rehearsal!
And just try to keep Uncle Farble away from a Mallomar! He loves 'em! Why, the whole shipment is in danger.
Then crude-talking, go-go dancing grandma unleashes some uproarious insults on Mr. Mugsy Carmine Mafioso. Mugsy would never hurt a lady, but it looks like Mr. Doofus Dad-Husband’s days are numbered.
Until …
Mrs. Level-Headed Wife-Mom finds out that Mugsy is not in Mafia. It’s all a wacky misunderstanding. He just wanted to buy some Mallomars. Mrs. Level-Headed Wife-Mom sells the Mallomars, save the daughter’s wedding rehearsal, and coaxes her cowardly husband out of the witness-protection program.
But wait! Crude-talking, go-go dancing grandma has one last insult for our mortified hero. And wouldn’t you know it – Uncle Farble is eating the Mallomars!
whaaa-whaaa-whaaaa.
(God, I feel like a bulemic who just purged.)
Sure, they’re wacky now… but did you ever wonder what the whole gang will be like…thirty years in the future?
And don’t forget the wacky fish-out-of-water house guest/relative from outer space/a fictional island nation who doesn’t understand our culture. His broken speech, strange cultures and misunderstanding of innocent actions and remarks are a constant source of humor.
Strange cultures? I meant strange customs . . .
Family’s son has a clumsy, nerdy friend who amuses the bully in all of us through his persistant geekiness.
And who is in love with the sister (assuming they’re both old enough for it not to be weird or creepy), don’t forget that!
In this week’s episode, the wife wants to buy hubby a football autographed by Joe Montana, so she decides to do some work temping. But – oh no! – she’s assigned to work at the same place he does! Obviously this would spoil the surprise, so she:
(choose one)
1 - disguises herself as a short foreign guy that doesn’t speak much English, who the hubby eventually befriends. She gets to find out a lot of what’s really on his mind, but what will she do when he invites his new buddy over for dinner!?
2 - wears a wig, falsies, and glasses and pretends she’s a different woman, who hubby then falls for!
3 - makes up some other reason to be working there. Hubby is resistant at first, and then even more so when it turns out she does the job better!
Anyway, after the usual spate of hilarity, she gets her check, quits the job, and goes to buy the football but oh no! It’s been sold! Fortunately, the owner of the temp agency is none other than Joe Montana, who shows up at their door to present her with the outstanding employee award!
And next week, we’ll have the pseudo-Gilligan’s Island episode. Seven of the regulars are assigned equivalent or totally opposite roles as the original castaways, with, perhaps, and eighth tossed in for extra wackaliciousness! Episode ends with husband character bolting wide awake in bed with wife character, declaring “You won’t believe the dream I just had!!” Fade to commercial.
And for the following season…
They do the It’s A Wonderful Life rip-off.
But this time they have to shop for gifts at the 7-11 at 5:00 a.m. on Christmas morning, so everyone gets presents of Slim-Jims and Slurpees and candy bars.
A minor character on the show will get pregnant. She will go into labor while trapped in a broken elevator or a car stalled in a traffic jam and the doofus teenage boy character will have to deliver the baby.
A major female character on the show will get pregnant IRL, this will not be acknowledged in the sit com, but much hilarity will ensue while trying to hide the ever increasing belly of the eight month pregnant character. Then she will “go visit some relatives far away” leaving a clueless dad to fend for himself with the house chores and the kids.
They all learn a valuable lesson.
The first episode of Sweeps will include the entire family going on a vacation to a tropical island only to be marrooned on a deserted island! Wackiness ensues (including building a hut and eating coconuts) until they realize they’re just on the wrong side of the island! They finish the episode drinking and partying, but better for their harrowing experience.
A male character’s “sister” or female “cousin” will show up for a couple of episodes, played of course by the male actor in drag.
Daughter has the lead in a school play (at a grade school that apparently has a budget of $40,000 for sets and costumes for every skit) but dad can’t be there because has to work/play golf! But just as the grade school play is almost brought to a standstill because the crying daughter won’t go onstage, dad enters with a video camera and everybody laughs as he (almost) trips over a folding chair.
BTW - only in the grade school chorus do we get to see exactly one kid each of Asian, Black, Hispanic and Native American decent, plus one child in a wheelchair. History will prove none of those kids are friends with the sitcom child actress, as they are never seen again in the series.
All week long, commercials for this week’s episode make you think the guy and the girl are finally gonna “do it”. When the episode finally airs, it turns out that the network was just leading you on, the bastards.