On the news this morning, then mentioned that further clouds and ash are expected from the volcano whose name cannot be said. Now I’m not an authority on this subject (who is?), but I figure that Pele or Vulcan or whoever is in charge of the plumbing is pissed, and we need a sacrifice, stat, or I’ll never make it back across the Atlantic for the end of my son’s baseball season.
Tradition dictates a virgin, but beyond the cruelty of that, where are you going to find a suitable virgin these days? I’m not even sure Catholic clergy are qualified. Plus we probably can’t identify a suitable virgin that we can all agree upon. Sure, Britney Spears would have made a great choice way back when, but that boat sailed a long time ago.
So, I will open up the floor to nominees. It should be someone that enough people like so that the choice is sincere, on the surface at least. Hopefully not someone that will give Eyjafjallajökull indigestion. Who should we toss in first?
In breaking with tradition, I think that we should send a team of emissaries, led by Skald the Rhymer, to negotiate with the volcano. Perhaps a few crates of wine will be an acceptable substitute for some stringy, bland virgin.
Sarah Palin. Sure, she’s not a virgin, but how will we know that volcano gods actually demand virgin sacrifices unless we put the Virgin Sacrifice Hypothesis to the test? Science demands answers!
And if Eyjafjallajökull doesn’t like it, we get some more cool eruption pictures. It’s win-win!
Maybe they’d take Miley Cyrus, Emily Osment and Miley’s little sister (what’s her name - Noah?) as a package deal. I do agree we might want to “prime the pump” with the former Miss Alaska or whatever she was.
I’d suggest to throw in Silvio Berlusconi. Was it not the case that leaders were sacrificed in case of great calamities? Their names would live on forever, of course.
I vote for people who cut through parking spaces and nearly hit others in an effort of saving themselves the 30 seconds it’d take to drive down the whole row. The gods would feast!
I do consider that proposing other people’s leaders is a bit rude, though. May I propose ZP and Rajoy, along with the current Public Relations officers of their respective parties? That even makes it gender-even!
Either the volcano gods shut the heck up and go have a lie-down, or we get another Krakatoa.
