Thought I would share a little experience that happened to me. Hope you enjoy. I call it…
The Wonder of Dial.
I am a man. As a man, I shower like one. I use three things, these are my trusted gold anti-bacterial Dial bar soap, shampoo (the harsher the better), and my hands. No poufy things, no scrubby things, no little cheese grater on one side and sandpaper on another things, no lotion-y things, and definitely no flowery smelling things. After my shower I like to be clean and free of all scents both natural and artificial.
Last week a great tragedy struck my shower routine. I ran out of my Gold Bar Dial. I searched the cabinets high and low. I even checked behind the shampoo bottles for forgotten withered and dried out fragments but alas, I came out empty handed. Now, my wife has soap, well some form of soap anyway. I looked at this oval deep pink bar for awhile while I weighed my options. I could use it and likely come out of the shower cleaner then I was. Or I could remain, well, musky. Yes, let’s call it musky. I ended up searching out the box first so I could know what I was getting myself into. Yes, it comes in a box. Quite a sturdy one at that, not the tear away waxed paper covering I’m used to. This “soap” was “Caress Velvet Bliss Ultra Silkening Beauty Bar; with silky fragrance infusion of Blackberry and Vanilla Essence”. HOLY COW! That’s a lot of words to just say soap! In fact it didn’t appear to be soap at all. It touted itself as a “beauty bar” and it didn’t have a scent it had and “essence” yes, an ESSENCE! That’s almost a daunting thought, as if something lives inside it with a soul of its own.
Now I would like to say I decided to instead just scrub the funk off of my whole body with that little cheese grater/sandpaper thing but I didn’t. I used the essence of the beauty bar. I hate to sound an uncouth heathen but I don’t understand how that is in any way similar to soap. It was one of the worst showers of my life.
Here is what I expect of soap. I expect it to lather up, rid the dirt and wash away cleanly. The lather part functioned as a product of this form should. The rest I can’t speak of due to 2 of my 6 senses being shut down in over stimulation. The first thing I noticed was the power of the “essence” attacking the mucus membranes of my nostrils with an onslaught of all things floral and fruity I could feel the sting of it not only in my nose but in my eyes over powering them. THIS I somehow expected from such a deep pink round girly bar-o-beauty. What happened next I was in no shape or form prepared for!
It wouldn’t leave me.
I now expect any men reading this to be thinking, “what do you MEAN it wouldn’t leave you?”. Perhaps you are thinking I mean the sme…err essence, but NO! I mean the SOAP! It. Would. Not. Leave. Me. Once the lather touched my body it clung there, as if some molecular bond had taken place between it and my skin! It wouldn’t rinse off! Try as I might, it wouldn’t rinse off! Silkening?? Is THIS what they are referring to as SILKENING? I thought to myself. Mucusing? Maybe, but this? This is just not right. Soap is supposed to rinse off quickly, carrying the filth with it. But this was more like the protective slime coat found on a carp! As if coating my body were not enough I found it had migrated as well and began coating the floor of the shower with its slippery slime layer. This is the ONE place in the house that really, REAAAALLY doesn’t need to be devoid of all types and forms of traction! People die this way ALL the time! I’m sure of it.
At this point I shut the water off as it appeared to be useless against this foe. I began using my hands as a kind of squeegee in an attempt to flick it off of me and onto the shower walls. Unfortunately nothing was working so with my feet planted apart and directly under my shoulders, knees slightly bent as to obtain the most stable platform I could make I opened the shower curtain. I literally (yes literally) held onto the shower rod as though it were my only lifeline out of this shower from hell and gingerly stepped out and onto the stability and comfort of the bath mat. I sighed a great sigh of relief at that point let me tell you. And yes, I did carry that “essence of fragrance infusion” with me for a large portion of the day.
Later that night contemplating what had happened I thought I had a fix for my still soapless quandary. Dish soap! We have Dawn! If Dawn can clean tanker spilt sludge off a duck it can clean me! Beaming with pride in my revelation I went to the kitchen and grabbed bottle and looked at it. “Dawn Hand Renewal with Olay Beauty, Pomegranate Splash scent”.
GAHHHH!!!