Yesteday, my sister died. It wasn’t unexpected; the ambulance companies knew her address by her phone number. She was a 4’9" (254 lbs.) diabetic who ate and drank what she wanted without regard to her health.
We live across the country from her. My oldest (6 1/2) spent from 15 months to 4 years old with almost daily contact with her aunt. My youngest is 4 and spent from birth to 2 over at aunties.
So, dopers, what’s your advise? What would be the best thing to tell the D.E.S.K.Kids? Not bring it up? Tell them they won’t see Auntie for awhile because she’s in Heaven and can’t visit?
Pleas help with suggestions and/or advise.
As an atheist, I wouldn’t go the heaven route, but that certainly is up to you. Death is pretty abstract at that age, and I would think that they would take it how you give it, they will follow your clues. Kids can also be pretty freaked out about death. I’d pick your words carefully or you will be having some sleepless nights ahead of you. Did they know she was sick? I’d make sure that they don’t think she was whisked away, perfectly healthy to be in a “better place.” I always considered a “better place.” to be grandma’s.
I’m sorry for your loss. I’m sorry she couldn’t take care of herself to continue to be an influence in your daughters lives, and yours.
If they haven’t seen her in a while, they may not remember her. Kids that young have shaky memories when it comes to folks they don’t see very often. If you wanted to, you could probably get away without saying anything. I guess the thing to do is find out how much they remember about her before you make your decision. If they’re going to wonder why they haven’t heard from Auntie, you’ll want to tell them.
It’s a hard thing to explain to kids, especially if they haven’t had any pets that died or any experience with death. If you decide to tell them, I’d make it clear that Auntie died because she was very sick, and I guess if you wanted to you could say that she was sick because she didn’t take care of herself and listen to her doctors. Explain why such a thing is not likely to happen to the kids or you and your spouse, because sometimes kids can get scared if they don’t understand the nature of disease.
It has to be easier if you’re religious, I’d imagine, because the concept of just ending is a difficult one to express. At least with religion, Auntie still exists but on another plane.
Whatever you do, don’t compare it to going to sleep. I’ve heard tales of kids hearing that and being scared to sleep, afraid they’ll never wake up.
I remember very clearly my grandmother dying (unexpectedly) when I was about 7, and my parents were very frank about it; that she had died, and it was natural, and part of life.
I wasn’t particularly upset by it, although I was very fond of her, but then again, I’d had a fairly gradual introduction to the idea of death (baby birds, other animals, a dog) and it was never portrayed as either a terrible thing or glossed over as “going to sleep” or “a better place”. My family isn’t religious, and I think having a frank attitude towards death is infinitely better than trying to explain it away or find euphemisms. YMMV, however, depending on your religious beliefs.
My niece was 5 when my mom died. We told her that she died and explained the cremation.
So the day comes when we inter her ashes in the grave and she was asking questions. We explained that Gram was in the urn. She asked if she could see her, and we said “sure.” She opened the lid, looked in, and said “where’s her eyes?”
Just an anecdote to prove that indeed, the whole thing is very abstract and pretty meaningless to most children. They don’t connect love and people with the death thing yet. Tell them the same thing you’d tell an older child, using terms they’ll understand. I think at that age, they’ll relate more to memories you share with them.
Sorry to hear about your sister. Best wishes to you and your family.
I’m sorry for your loss. When my father died, my sister told her (then) 2 year old daughter that Papa had died because his bones were very sick and the doctors couldn’t make them better even though they tried really hard (lung cancer had metasized to the bones). She was ok with that. She’d seen my dad almost every day of her life from birth, so it was a little confusing to her to see him in the casket, hence some questions came up about why “Papa looks like he’s sleeping.”
I’d tell them that Auntie died, and that you are sad about it. You don’t have to go into detail about why or how she died. If the questions about that come up, honest answers are best, IMO.
I had just turned 6 when my great-grandmother, with whom I was very close, died.
IIRC, I understood what it meant, and I bawled and bawled. People kept telling me she was up in heaven now, blah blah blah, but all I knew was that I missed her and I was never going to see her again.
Mom comforted me, let me know it was all right to miss her, that we were all going to miss her, but dying was part of life. That made sense. Later, when Mom and my grandparents were going through her things, I listened as they told story after anecdote after tale about Mawmaw (imagine how amusing it was to a 6 year old to listen to her grandfather talk about being spanked by his mom for tipping over an outhouse), and I came to understand that gone did not mean forgotten.
Please don’t just not tell them. They’re going to learn about it eventually and they would probably prefer to hear it from their mom while it’s happening than from Uncle Louie at a family reunion in five years. Explain to them what happened, answer their questions as best you can, let them know it’s okay to grieve, and encourage them to talk about memories of their aunt. Kids are a lot tougher than we give them credit for; of course they’ll be upset, but they’ll be more upset if you act like it’s something that had to be hidden from them.
And take care of yourself, too. I’m sorry for your loss.
Tell them, honestly and clearly, that she died. I really agree with not letting them get confused about “going away” or “going to sleep”. Answer any questions they have, and then let it go. They might not be old enough to understand all the implications. But don’t be surprised if they come back to it later, maybe even some months or years later, because at some point they might understand some part of it that they don’t now.
My youngest was six months old when my father died. (She popped her first tooth on the day of his funeral.) When she was about five she suddenly started “missing Grandpa” and was quite sad about it for a couple of weeks. I think she had just come to the point where she understood that she didn’t have him around. Obviously she couldn’t miss him, himself, because she never really knew him. But she had the idea of him and knew she was missing out on something important.
I would start off with just the facts; something like “Sorry kids, but I have some bad news for you; your auntie died” - might seem harsh, but if you try to dress it up or abstract it, you’re just going to leave them confused as to what has actually happened.
‘Going away/to sleep/to heaven’ etc is quite a legitimate topic for a follow-up discussion though (obviously to be handled however you see fit); and if your kids are anything like mine, they will pretty much demand such a discussion - they won’t just sit and listen without ever wanting to ask questions.
Sincerly, thanks to all for the replies.
We told them that Auntie Sharon had died and, that any just G-d would make sure she heard them and would follow them to make sure they did the best possible.
Probably not the “best” answer, but what we could honestly say to them, given our (agnostic) beliefs.
Peace - DESK