Charlie, our golden retriever, is nearly 12 and is in pretty bad shape. She is suffering from seizures, incontinence, disorientation, etc. It’s her time, I’m afraid.
My wife and I are in disagreement as to whether or not we should tell our two boys, ages 9 and 6, that we are going to put our dog to sleep. One of us feels that we should just let the kids think that she died naturally. The other feels that we should be honest with them.
I personally don’t see any benefit from not telling them. The death is going to be hard of them either way, telling them that he died of natural causes is not likely to soften the blow. Also, telling them that you are putting him to sleep will give them a chance to say goodbye, something I always regreted about pets that died when I was a kid.
I would tell them. One of the most important things a parent can show a child is that doing the right thing is often diffucult. But be sure to explain that you don’t want Fido to die, it is just that it isn’t right to let him suffer when there isn’t any hope of him getting better.
Best to be honest, for the reasons that Dr. Lao mentioned, and also so that you don’t have to remember to maintain the fiction later. It will be a hard but valuable lesson about life and death, and how sometimes we have to show our pets how much we love them by helping them out of this life and into the next.
Cynthia Rylant’s wonderful children’s book Dog Heaven might be helpful to you.
Poor baby. I’m sure she’s had a good life. Please give her a kiss from me before you let her go.
On Thursday, I had to make the decision to take our 8 year old diabetic cat into the vet to have him put to sleep. Since I have a 3yo I was careful not to say “put to sleep”. I said that we were going to let him pass into death more peacefully. I explained why we were doing it and very basically what they were going to do for him. The 8yo held the kitty in the car and carried him into the vet’s. Then the vet explained why this was best for him and they cried a lot and then we all said goodbye to him. Ok, I cried too.
Personally, I feel that death is a part of life and it is best to be entirely truthful. I think otherwise you are robbing them of their chance to say goodbye to her.
Yes, you should absolutely tell them the truth! They will find out that animals are euthanized some time, and they will probably find out what actually happened. Far better that you be the one to explain it to them.
The truth is far better, as bad as its sting may be. I have four children, and have always, gently, of course, let them know what was going to happen to their pets (or relatives, if I was aware of the impending death) and it has always worked much better than a pillowy lie would have worked.
I, too, am very sorry for the loss of your pet, and don’t envy your task at all.
Tell them the truth. Give them a chance to mourn their pet, and prepare them for the possibility of having a new pet.
When I lived in Utah, I lived on a 20-acre ranch. As a result, I had a lot of animals come and go. Including dogs and cats that I loved a great deal. But sometimes they ran away, sometimes they were killed by other animals, sometimes they had to be put down. My parents were always honest with me, and sometimes it hurt a great deal, but I always respected my parents for telling me the truth.
I strongly encourage you to get a new pet, if possible. Not to replace the your loved dog, but to help ease the pain, and provide an obviously loving home to an animal that may otherwise be put down in a pound.
My mom had my cat put to sleep while I was at school one day, without telling me ahead of time. To this day I regret that I didn’t get a chance to say goodbye.
Exactly right – not a “replacement.” The word we use around here is “successor.” Having Miss Phyllis is a tribute to the late great Miss Emily; although we love Phyllis for being her crazy self, we also needed someone with whom to share all the leftover love (and cookies) we still have for Emily. It’s a mutually beneficial relationship.
When my Aussie Shepard, Chelsea, it was horrible for me. She had some form of cancer, and it took her away from me. I think I was about 12 or 13 at the time. Just know how fortunate that you have kids so young that, at times like this, the blinders can be pulled over their eyes. I say you tell them that he was an old, old man, and he died just like people do. Then be sure to tell them that he was 84 years old, and I think that your 9 year old will understand a bit. Also, be sure to get another doggie before too long, I now have Mac O’Roni, and he has been one of the best things that has ever happened to me.
You know the answer by now, looking at previous posts.
I remember when I was young, our first dog was so hyper we couldn’t keep him in his cage. He’d break out and chase cars. My father (now deceased) took me with him when he shot the dog dead in the woods. I’ll never understand why he handled it in that manner. We were from a small town in a rural area. Maybe it was the way there. I have no idea. Pretty f-ed up, huh?
Tell them. They may not understand completely now, but they will. My last memory of one of our dogs was seeing him looking out the back window of Dad’s car. Mom said they were just “going for a ride”.
To me it’s important to tell them, not just for what I’d call the “small truth” of What Happened, but for the “large truth” of what our responsibilities are to our animals, and how we care for them. It sometimes hurts us terribly, but we must set aside our own pain and focus on ending the animal’s pain. That’s a hard, hard lesson to learn, but with some sensitivity (and really, the advice here is terrific) it’s by far the best thing that can happen here.
To me it’s important to tell them, not just for what I’d call the “small truth” of What Happened, but for the “large truth” of what our responsibilities are to our animals, and how we care for them. It sometimes hurts us terribly, but we must set aside our own pain and focus on ending the animal’s pain. That’s a hard, hard lesson to learn, but with some sensitivity (and really, the advice here is terrific) it’s by far the best thing that can happen here.
Tell them. I think the important thing is that you are showing that you respect your kids and their intelligence by not lying to them, and showing them that you feel they can handle something like this. You never know with kids…they figure out stuff that you didn’t think they could. Then they feel betrayed.
This is a very simple situation and there is no reason to lie…you wouldn’t want them to figure it out and then wonder why you didn’t just tell them to begin with.
Well, I came into this thread all fired up to tell you to lie to them. I’m glad I read the whole thread first! I agree that you should tell them the truth, and if it comes time in my family for that I will do the same. Thanks guys.
(First, an apology in advance-- my connection is extremely slow right now, so it’s possible by the time my post shows up it will end up repeating something I missed in transit…)
I agree with everyone who’s suggesting that you tell them the truth, but I wanted to add that you should be prepared for some resentment to bubble up. It may or may not happen and if it does, please don’t second guess yourself. I’m just thinking back to when I was about 8, and my parents had to have my cat, Catherine, put to sleep. They were honest with me about it, and I know they did what they thought was best, but my 8 year old self was still a little upset with them.
I think some of this will depend on how aware your boys are of just how bad off poor Charlie is, and how deeply they absorb the fact that she isn’t going to get better. I know that the resentment in my case grew out of my conviction that we could so keep Catherine happy and healthy. I was 8, I didn’t get it.
I’d also like to second Scarlett67’srequest-- give Charlie a kiss from me, too.
Oh yes, tell them the truth. you are the parents, you are supposed to not only protect your children but teach them how to handle life. This is one of the best situations for them to learn about how to care for other livingbeings. Yea, its hard.
discuss with them what is going on. Not only that mommy and daddy think it best that charlie be euthanized, but why. Talk them through the thought process you went through to make this decision, how hard it is for you to give up your beloved pet as well.
When I first had my car my dog got sick. (kinda to be expected, Golden retrivers start braking down when they get to be 15 or so). I had no memory of my life without this dog, and my parents were at work when he couldn’t stop throwing up and I took him to the vet. Alone. He had never been seriously ill before. And while he could have survived this illness with intensive hospitalization, he was not going to get better. It was a really really rough day, but I’m proud of how I handled it. I couldn’t put my wish to have him around for just a few more months above his comfort and happiness.
We have a responsibility to care for our pets and give them the best lives we can. That is a valuble lesson to give our children. To value good lives.