[the following parody is presented with humble apologies to L. Frank Baum]
Auntie Em! Auntie Em!
Tuba, please! Don’t bother us now. This old server’s pretty creaky. Now you just find yourself a place where you won’t get yourself into any trouble.
Someplace where there isn’t any trouble. No socks. No trolls. Somewhere, where the posters don’t behave like obnoxious children. Do you suppose there is such a place, Toto?
Somewhere, over the rainbow, skies are blue.
And the dreams that you dream come true.
Better get under cover, there’s a storm blowing up. Doggone it! Look out! It’s a hacker! Tuba! Tuba! Where is she? Come on, everybody in the storm cellar! Take cover!
Toto! We must be up inside the cyclone! Oh! The server is going to crash! Aah! Oh! Look out!
:: the server crashes… much chaos and darkness ensues… finally TubaDiva awakens::
Toto, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Chicago anymore. Ooh. Look at all the pretty colors! And all the smiling faces! That one rolls back and forth! There’s one with a little hammer! And a rainbow smilie! And look! It’s Geobabe, and Francesca. Quadop the Mercotan, Duck Duck Goose. tomndebb. Chronos. Colibri. Cranky. algernon. Why A Duck. Rue DeDay. Libertarian. Dex. Ferrous. DaveSimmons. And all the others! They’re almost all here! We must be over the rainbow!
::BbBoy shows up as Glinda, the good Witch of the North::
The Munchkins called me because a new witch has just dropped a house on the wicked hacker known as the Wicked Witch of the East.
I’m TubaDiva, from Chicago. What are Munchkins?
The little people who live in this land. It’s Munchkin Land, and you are their national heroine.
Ding Dong! The Witch is dead! The Wicked Witch is dead!
::in whooshes the Wicked Witch of the West::
Who killed my hacker sister, the Witch of the East? Was it you? I’ll get you, my pretty!
I’m afraid you’ve made rather a bad enemy of the Wicked Witch of the West.
Who is she?
Oh, she’s the incarnation of every sock and banned poster that you’ve ever dealt with. People like RAWisSIDNEY, and The Australian Connection. They’ve found a way back into this new land, and the sooner you get out of Munchkin Land altogether and back to your old home in Chicago, the safer you’ll sleep.
Which is the way back to Chicago?
The only person who might know would be Cecil, the Great and Wonderful Wizard himself.
Cecil the Great Wizard? Is he good or is he wicked?
Oh, very good, but very mysterious. All you do is follow the Yellow Brick Road.
We’re off to see the Wizard, the Great and Wonderful Cecil!
Follow the Yellow Brick Road, follow … Now which way do we go?
Pardon me. That way is a very nice way.
Ooh. A scarecrow!
My name’s kabbes. And I’m looking for some Board Statistics to fill my brain.
I’m going to the Emerald City.
You’re going to see the Wizard? Do you think if I went with you, this Wizard would give me the data I need?
Perhaps. Come with us!
We’re off to see the Wizard, the Great and Wonderful Cecil!
Look, it’s a man! A man made out of tin! What! Yes! Oh! Look!
Mwowm mwowm.
Oil can? Here it is!
Mmm, my, my, my goodness! I can talk again!
Oh! Goodness! What is your name?
My name is Eutychus. You can call me Euty.
How did you ever get like this?
Oh…, well,… a while ago, I was working on an online baby book for Emma, when suddenly everyone began to cry with tears of happiness. And right in the middle of everything, I rusted solid.
Well, you’re perfect now!
Perfect? Oh, how can you say that?. Go ahead, bang on my chest! All this hard work, on the boards, and with Teemings, and IRL. I’m not sure I have the heart to continue fighting all this ignorance.
I don’t believe that at all, but why you couldn’t come with us to the Emerald City to ask the Great and Wonderful Cecil!
We’re off to see the Wizard, the Great and Wonderful Cecil!
Oh, I don’t like this forest! It’s…it’s dark and creepy! There are all sorts of scary new features, like [whisper], and [whoview] and Lions! And tigers! And bears! Oh, my!
Roar! Hah! Put 'em up! Put 'em up!
Who are you?
My name is Esprix… and I am the guy fighting gay ignorance. But sometimes I lose all patience.
Well, naturally, fighting ignorance is a noble yet frustrating cause. I can see how you can lose your patience. Why don’t you come along with us? We’re on our way to see the Wizard now.
We’re off to see the Wizard, the Great and Wonderful Cecil!
There’s Emerald City! At last! It’s beautiful, isn’t it?
Who rang that bell?
We did! We want to see the Wizard!
Ah, but nobody can see the Great Cecil! Nobody’s ever seen the Great Cecil! Even I’ve never seen him!
Looks like we came a long way for nothing. Oh, I thought I was on my way home.
COME FORWARD! I AM CECIL, THE GREAT AND POWERFUL! WHO ARE YOU?
I,…if you please,…I am TubaDiva… We’ve come to ask —
SILENCE! THE GREAT AND POWERFUL CECIL KNOWS WHY YOU HAVE COME! STEP FORWARD, EUTY! Ohhhh!
YOU DARE TO COME TO ME FOR MORE HEART FOR FIGHTING IGNORANCE, DO YOU? YOU CLINKING, CLANKING, CLATTERING COLLECTION OF CALIGINOUS JUNK!
Ohhh, Yes,…yes, sir,…y…y…yes, Your Honor. You see…
QUIET!
Ohhh!
AND YOU, KABBES, HAVE THE EFFRONTERY TO ASK FOR DATA? YOU BILLOWING BALE OF BOVINE FODDER!
Yes, Your Honor,…I mean, Your Excellency,… I mean, Your Wizardry!
ENOUGH! AND YOU, ESPRIX! WELL? PATIENCE?
Oh! Oh! You ought to be ashamed of yourself!
DO YOU PRESUME TO CRITICIZE THE GREAT CECIL? THE GREAT CECIL HAS SPOKEN! … … OH! PAY NO ATTENTION TO THAT MAN BEHIND THE GREEN CURTAIN!
Who are you?
Uhhhh…I am the Great and Powerful…Wizard!
You are?
I’m afraid it’s true. There’s no other Wizard except me. You can call me Ed.
What about helping Euty? And Esprix? And kabbes?
kabbes? Why, anybody can have a brain full of stuff. That’s a very mediocre commodity. Back where I come from, we have universities where men go to become great thinkers, and when they come out, they think deep thoughts with no more data than you have kabbes! But! They have one thing you haven’t got! A Straight Dope mug! Therefore, by virtue of the authority vested in me, I hereby confer upon you the honorary degree of M.M.S. That’s Master of Membership Statistics!
The half life of a Doper is point zero zero nine one three four raised to the power of tee raised to two point three to the negative tee. Oh joy! I’ve got the data!
As for you Esprix, my fine friend, you are under the unfortunate delusion that simply because you have to endlessly fight gay ignorance, you have no patience. You’re confusing patience with wisdom. Back where I come from, once a year, men parade down the main street of the city. And they have no more patience than you have, and a lot less wisdom! But! They have one thing that you haven’t got! A Straight Dope mug! Therefore, for meritorious conduct and extraordinary valor, I award you this special mug.
Ha, hah, shucks, folks, I’m speechless! Ha, ha!
As for you Euty, my galvanized friend, you desire heart for the fight! Back where I come from, there are men who do nothing all day but good deeds and their hearts are no bigger than yours! In most cases, a sight less so! But! They have one thing you haven’t got! A testimonial! Therefore, in consideration of your kindness, I take pleasure at this time in presenting you with a small token of our collective esteem and affection… this Straight Dope mug!
Oh thank you!
Hey! What about Tuba?
Ah… Tuba next!
Oh, you wouldn’t happen to have any dark chocolate in there would you?
Uh… no. The only way to get Tuba back to Chicago is for me to take her there myself.
Oh, will you? Could you? Oh, but are you a clever enough wizard to manage it?
Child, you cut me to the quick! I’m an old Chicago man myself, born and bred in the heart of the Mid-western wilderness. My dear Tuba, you and I will return to the land of E Pluribus Unum! And now… My friends! I, your Wizard, am about to embark upon a hazardous journey back home…
grr! grr! meow! Oh, Toto! Come back!
Oh, help! The balloon’s going up!
Don’t go without me! Please come back!
I can’t come back! I don’t know how it works! Good-bye, folks!
Oh, now I’ll never get home!
::BbBoy, the good Witch arrives::
Oh, will you help me?
You don’t need to be helped. You’ve always had the power to take you and your friends back to Chicago.
Now close your eyes and tap your heels together three times, and think to yourself, “There’s no place like home, there’s no place like home, there’s no…”
Wake up. Tuba, dear, it’s Auntie Em.
Oh, Auntie Em, it’s you!
Well, she seems all right now! We kinda thought there she was gonna leave us.
But I did leave you. And I tried to get back for days and days!
There, there. You just had a bad dream.
No,…but it wasn’t a dream. It was a place. And you, and you,…and you were there! It was a real truly live place. And I remember that some of it wasn’t very nice, but most of it was beautiful! I kept saying to everybody, “I want to go home!” And they sent me home! Doesn’t anybody believe me? Oh, but anyway, Toto, we’re home! And you’re all here, and I’m not going to leave here ever, ever again. Oh, there’s no place like home!
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