These are the kinds of submissions we get

What do you think, should we accept this film for distribution?

(NSFW language)

Uh, I don’t think I’d be inclined to watch it. It isn’t the subject matter that bothers me it’s just that the movie doesn’t look particularly witty, entertaining, or informative.

Yeah. No.

I made it as far as the “fecal farmer” before I stopped watching that shit.

No. Not appealing. Not even appealing in a gross-out comedy kind of way.

What is this for, though? Are you selecting films for a festival or something?

I work for a distributor of independent films.

That shit was terrible.

That’s 93 seconds of my life I won’t get back.

Rabelais was witty; that was just shitty.


No. :rolleyes:

All they made was this mock trailer right? There’s no actual feature length film about shit, right?

That made me feel a lot better about the Australian film industry.

Here’s a letter I wrote today, but did not send. I’m keeping it on hand however.Dear Filmmaker:

Thanks for giving us the opportunity to consider your horror/scifi film for distribution. We rarely receive a submission that inspires such overwhelming reactions from staffers. More than most of the films we receive, this is one you can really feel deep down in your gut. And then higher up in the throat, as the film unfolds before your incredulous eyes. It truly gives new meaning to the word “horror.” It seemed almost impossible to believe that one person can have actually brought such a thing into existence, until we saw those pictures of you with your cats in the accompanying publicity materials, which explained a lot. We’ve been fighting over the screener in our offices, each of us eager to pass it along to the next person and observe the effect it has on them.

Please be sure to let us know about any and all public screenings of your film; some of us have loved ones in various parts of the country and we’d like plenty of notice to warn them that your film is coming to their town, so that they can make travel arrangements.

As far as marketing this unique film, we here at [my company] couldn’t be more sincere when we say “Well good luck with that.” We see that you’ve put it in the Trash festival*. You’re way ahead of us, we had a very similar suggestion to offer. It’s exciting to see the indie film world continue to expand its standards, to allow for the airing of such pieces of work as your film. We anticipate that unsuspecting audience members at the Trash festival have a surprise coming to them in just how far their expectations can be exceeded.

We here at [my company] would like to thank you again, Filmmaker, for reminding us that just when you thought you’d seen everything, the universe can really put you in your place by rubbing your nose in something like your film.

Best always, the entire [company] team.

P.S. Please note that we’ve moved and have changed our phone numbers and email addresses. We’ll get back to you with the updated information very, very soon.
*This part’s true.

So they want you to sell this on DVD?

It seems like a typical amateur youtube video. I have trouble understanding what the plot is supposed to be. Obviously, not suitable material for you. On the other hand, not terribly shocking that it was submitted.

I don’t think I’d send them a thinly veiled insulting rejection letter. Just thank them for their submission and tell them that you’re not interested in distributing their movie. Rejection is bad enough it doesn’t need to be more painful.


That was about the point where I was thinking, “Yeah, if I wanted to completely waste my Sunday morning, I could keep watching. But I have better things to do. Like stare at a tree.”

I’m a big N-O on this one.