Okay, I went and saw the movie Blade II the other night and during the half-hour of trailers they force you to sit through before they start the movie they showed one that made the entire fucking audience look at one another and say, “What the fuck is this shit?” Now, someone didn’t fuck up and accidentally put a trailer for the latest Merchant Ivory production on the reel. No, no, my friend, no this trailer was being shown to the exact demographic it was supposed to appeal to. An audience that instead of saying, “Cool!” or “God, that looks scary!” was openly laughing at every scene of the trailer.
And what was the movie this trailer was promoting? Brace yourself, because I know you thought that they never would have made another sequel to these movies, but they have: Jason XBattlefield Earth you’ve met your match.
Oh my god, I nearly wept when I saw that trailer. I went through all the stages of trauma:
[ul]
[li]denial: “Ha, ha, ha, they’re kidding right? Nobody is that stupid. Another Jason movie?? Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight…”[/li][li]anger: “What?! They’re NOT fucking kidding! Sweet Jesus cattle-prodding oat-whore! They’ll try to shove any sort of tripe down viewers’ throats, won’t they?” I then set my popcorn on fire and starting ripping the cushioning out of my seat.[/li][li]bargaining: This is the phase where I pleaded with God to reverse the downfall of humanity, erasing this horrendous concept of a movie from existence and maybe even putting some good recording artists back on the planet.[/li][li]depression: At this point I was fashioning a noose out of red Twizzlers, guzzling golden topping, and shoving jujubes up my nose in a frenzied attempt at self-annihilation.[/li][li]acceptance: Finally, I came to the conclusion that if this P.O.S. could get into production, then maybe there’s a director out there dumb enough to cast me in a flick and pay me lots and lots of money to peer around dark corners looking hot in a ripped, blood soaked shirt and a pair of panties.[/li][/ul]
The day that movie premieres will be a sad, sad day for humankind. I live in fear.
In a fit of morbid curiousity, I downloaded the trailer.
Ha! Double Ha!
It looks so bad. When I try to imagine someone watching that movie and taking somewhat seriously, I have a fit of giggles and have to lie down for a moment.
Ah, humanity… a species that needs to constantly redefine the meaning of the word “suck”.
I just can’t get enough of the brilliant dialogue. “We’re gonna be all right!” “What? Are you high?” Said with all the acting capabilities of a cardboard cutout…
Oh please. It’s not like they make each chapter in the Friday the 13th series thinking they’re making King Lear. By now they’ve realized that the premise is ridiculous yet fun, and they make new movies because people will go and watch them both to laugh at the silliness and to flinch at the limbs being whacked off. The filmmakers aren’t taking it seriously themselves; that’s evident from the trailer and the previous films.
Hell, I know I’m going. Part eight was hilarious. You know, the one subtitled “Jason Takes Manhattan”? Oh, that was good fun…the ones to watch out for are the bad sequels that take themselves too seriously. And here I’m looking at I Still Know What You Did Last Summer.
I think it looks hilarious. Especialy since there never has been a Jason I through IX. There was Friday the Thirteenth I through VIII, and Jason Goes to Hell, but never a movie called “Jason.” Its like Rambo III, whne there was never a Rambo or Rambo II.
I love crappy movies. At least, ones that don’t take themselves seriously.
Kinda reminds me of when I went to see FotR at a massive theatre near here … the crowd, which had been cheerful enough to bounce some beach balls around before the lights went out, watched the second trailer in stark disbelief.
“That’s not …” I said.
“They couldn’t’ve …” I added.
“Oh man, they did …” I finished, wide-eyed, as the title for Rollerball flashed on the screen near the end of the trailer.
That’s the only trailer I’ve ever seen get actively booed by an entire audience.
I have actually read a few positive things about this movie from various movie sites. They say it is supposed to have been shot just like ALIEN, with Jason playing the part of the ALIEN.
I would put some links here, but I am at work and am not up to surfing to some shitty movie sites. I will once I get home.
I’m no longer surprised at anything Hollywood does. If they came out with a movie called “SHINY OBJECTS” I wouldn’t be surprised. My tenure on various internet message boards has taught me that people will go see ANYTHING. I can’t tell you how often I have seen people bitching and wailing about how awful a certain movie was, when that movie got absolutely no good reviews.
Look at Battlefield Earth, for example. I’ve seen many an message board poster lamenting the time and money he spent there. Well you know what, sport? You only have yourself to blame, because no one who saw a single review had anything good to say about it. Nobody. You can only blame yourself for that one.
“But Lego!” you whine. “I don’t read reviews because reviewers don’t know shit and I have crappy taste in movies!” Then don’t bitch.
There’s a site online which feature a picture of a guy holding his asshole wide wide open. It used to be a prank on a different MB I was on to post fake links that would take you there. That’s the current movie industry paradigm - get whatever crap you can get out on the screen and it doesn’t matter how awful it is, because idiots will happily and proudly line up on opening night without having read anything about it or waited for word of mouth. They’ll pay their money, see the guy holding his asshole open, and then complain how bad it was. Meanwhile, the studio is gleefully counting its cash and planning next week’s release taht these same suckers will also go see.
Some won’t complain, though. Some will defend “Asshole Guy” by saying, “Well I wasn’t expecting Citizen Kane, I just go to movies to be entertained!!!” Well that’s cool, because we all know there’s no such thing as an entertaining movie that isn’t pathetically stupid. Since it’s impossible to make a movie that is entertaining without everyone in it having to pretend they’re an idiot (“Check your brain at the door for action fun!!!”) it’s okay if movies only fall into two categories - idiot films and, apparently, Citizen Kane.
Everything that is currently going on in Hollywood, all this sequel shit, idiotic action movies, moron comedies - it’s all just reaping what the moviegoing public has sown. Don’t blame Hollywood for figuring out that people will go see anything.
