They don't call me Cain for nuthin'

Actually they don’t call me Cain at all, but that might change.

How did your weekend go? Mine was a lil wild, a lil weird, and when I got home on Saturday the cops were at my house. Intrigued? Keep reading, I’ll line it out for you.

It was a typical Friday, if you typically have to walk for 3 hours to get home but that comes later. I was with the guys and we were getting ready to go out after our softball game (man did we lose bad, but I was one of only three people that got on base, and guys had to go lefty), and in the spirit of softball we may have been a little drunk during the game (my roommate, rm#1 for the rest of the story, was smashed). We got back to my house drank a bit, reminisced about old times and we sat at home until about 10 and I hate to admit it but I was more than a little drunk when rm#2 and I decided to go to Chelsea¡¦s. We walk in and low and behold a group of our friends were there. We go and sit down, and due to poor observation skills, I choose to sit between a good friend and his date (first time to see the girl in 2 years). Well, me being the occasional clueless bumpkin that I am, did not come upon this realization until I was informed of it two days later, long story short (maybe to late for that one, no?) I wound up chasing them off, I think a large part of why was me hitting on his date. And then there were three; Rm#2, other guy, and me.

Rm#2 and I were engaging in casual conversation with a few different girls when Rm#2 saw a couple of cute little girls at a table eyeing us occasionally. We were headed over to them when I heard my name. It was a girl I remembered from a few weeks ago, and we struck up a lively conversation ƒº. She was working, but got off in 10 minutes. She came over to our table had a drink and she and I retired back to her place. Apparently I was reliving past glory days, for when she pulled out a splif I did not say no. You remember back in the day when it was an everyday thing, me too, but as of three days ago it was not, and it hit me very hard. I soon went from charming to bumbling idiot, and as the room span faster and faster I excused myself outside and threw up everything I had eaten in the past few months. I soon found myself walking home (from a place many moons away from my own house) at 2 o¡¦clock in the morning and three hours later I was in my bed. Without my work phone ƒ¼. Rm#2 is convinced it was karma for leaving my ¡§wingman¡¨ when he was trying to pick up those girls.

Didn¡¦t realize this would be so long when I started, I will give you a condensed version of Saturday.

Strangely enough we wound up at Chelsea¡¦s again where Rm#2 and I went to talk to these two girls who wound up being the dumbest women I have met in my life. They were so empty it made me feel dumber being around them. When they invited us out to another club we were not even gracious about saying no. The night went on, I saw the offending waitress from the night before, and she told me to come by at three to pick up my phone. I started talking to a group of women that were sitting behind us, never mind the 6 gorillas that were with them, and apparently started to hit on a married woman (oops) then who showed up, but an EX. She got flirty, but I remembered she was crazy and sent her on her merry way. I sang bad karaoke, engaged in a few more conversations and went home about 2:30. Some people came over and I took my leave around 3:15 to get my phone. Not sure how exactly but I got home around 5:00 (yes I know how I got home, I just don¡¦t know how it got to be 5) and two police cars were sitting across the street at Witch Lady¡¦s house. They walked across the street and as I stepped out of my car they yelled out, ¡§Are you Mr. my last name?¡¨

Cheerfully I said, ¡§Depends on why you want him.¡¨ For some reason they were not as amused as I was by the comment.

They started by telling that they got calls on us all the time for our ¡§loud¡¨ parties that we apparently had ever single day (we have had one loud party in the past few months) and that we were bad neighbors and to prove this they started talking about our lawn, saying that that lawn was green, and that lawn was green, and that lawn was green, then pointing at ours and just saying ¡§brown¡¨. It took every fiber of my being to not say ¡§Ooooh, so you¡¦re the lawn police¡¨ Then they were talking about the beer cans, which I can understand that one. Then they talked about stealing from our neighbor¡¦s front lawn.

Here I got indignant ¡§We do NOT steal from our neighbors¡¨ said I.

¡§You weren¡¦t here¡¨ said the bastards that I call my roommates. So it turns out that while I was gone for the 2 hours it took to get my phone they went a bit wild and stole a birdhouse from Witch Lady, and a 60 pound ceramic deer from a couple of houses down.

Then they brought up our backyard (did I tell you we got dumb one night and stole about 2 thousand construction signs? Yeah, were dumb, but were dumb people with road signs.) How we managed not to get arrested I am just not sure. So that was my dull weekend (minus a few things that you probably don¡¦t want to know).

How’d your weekend go?

Can you guess the Cain I was talking about? If you do I’ll give you a dollar.