Things I learned from late-late night TV

Cafe Society
1

Owing to an uncontrollable bout of insomnia, I found myself watching TV in the middle of the night. This is not a normal viewing time for me. I discovered many things:

I learned there are many very old black and white TV shows that aren’t broadcast during hours I normally watch.

I learned that with just a couple of hours work each week I can literally make a month’s salary or more without risking any money of my own.

I learned there are producers of herbal remedies who want me as a customer so badly they are willing to give me a no-questions-asked 30-day money-back guarantee.

I learned that not all exercise machines actually work the right muscles. Thanks to infra-red photography, I can actually see which muscles get the most exercise.

Has anyone else learned anything?

2

There are hundreds of sexy ladies in my neighbourhood who want to get it on with me.

3

Midgets make brilliant real estate investors.

4

Many people have trouble slicing or cutting things with regular knives. If you buy the ones on TV, you automatically become a better cook.

Your presentation of food will also be better.

5

Things learned from daytime TV,

1.) If you were hurt in an accident due to no fault of your own, epecially on the job, there is a kind attorney who will fight for my rights.

2.) Bob Barker is getting very, very, very old.

3.) The View is a horrible show, except Evander Hollifield in drag.

4.) If i own a car, and have money problems, I can sell my title to caring individuals who want to see me back on my feet.

5.) Get a rewarding career (CSR, Fry cook, Dental assistant, medical assistant) within three weeks and no studying. An old, fat annoying woman named Gloria Stivik told me of this.

6.)Telletubbies are brilliant.

7.) I learned about hillbillies, lesbians, Gay klansmen, abuse idiots, midgets, and devil worshippers from Jerry Springer.

8.) I used to get my daytime religion from Jim and Tammy, but we all know what happened there.

9.) Soap operas never end, and the people on them have weird names like Skye, Blue, FooMoo, Chivers, and Susie Crackroll.
I haven’t learned much from nightime TV accept that people love those lame talk shows, and after midnight, some asshole named Ron Popeil is always selling some nonsense that I could not lived without. If Ron would have a sex toy division, he might have my attention.

6

Or, there is a very attractive blonde, brunette and redhead who wants to talk to me right now.

7

Black paint can be used to cover up a balding head AND NO ONE WILL NOTICE OR LAUGH.

Ron Popiell is a super-genius.

8

From a local Christian station I learned:

I am dying of malnutrition! I need to drink Mineral Whiz!*

If I am feeling blue I shouldn’t take Prozac. Prozac will just cause my head to spin around and my eyeballs to pop out! I should try Mineral Whiz instead! Don’t rely on doctors–they’re all quacks trying to sell me expensive drugs. Instead, I should pay $20 for a bottle of Mineral Whiz!

Mineral Whiz will cure herpes, toe fungus, dental abcesses, bubonic plague, cancer, AIDS, astigmatism, and hangovers. Buy some now!

  • Not the actual name of the product but close enough.
9

I learned that people are still making predictions about the year 2000.

10

I learned that regular old scissors can injure you and not cut anything, so you need some automatic scissors.

11

I learned that short people from Australia can very scary.

I learned that shouting is a common method of communicating.

I learned that if you go to places like Florida with a video camera, women will expose themselves for you.

12

One thing I miss about late-late night TV …

Don West screaming at me to buy baseball cards on a crappy home shopping network.

“YOU ARE AN IDIOT IF YOU DON’T BUY THIS BARRY BONDS ROOKIE CARD FOR ONLY $2,999!”

“IF YOU DON’T BUY THIS SET, I WILL CLUB A BABY SEAL!”

13

I find your comments to be extremely condescending.

There are some of us who are helped by these products.

For the past 37 years, I have been unable to drain pasta safely. Every time I do, I not only scald myself, requiring medical attention, but the pasta goes down the drain and all over the floor.

It’s only because of the “Good Time Pasta Sucker™” that I have been able to avoid high medical bills and costly cleanup.

So Watch it!