Things I want to see in the Assassin's Creed movie

The Game Room
1

So there’s an Assassin’s creed movie starring Michael Fassbender coming out later this year. Here’s the trailer. Might be good, I don’t know, but it has made me think about what I’d like to see in it.

Things I want to see in the Assassin’s Creed movie:

  • A scene where Michael Fassbender and a fellow assassin walk and talk through the city. Michael has a hard time either keeping up with his friend, when walking, or going past him when running. He keeps awkwardly switching between the two while his friend obliviously keeps on talking/walking.

  • A scene where Michael Fassbender has to track some guy through the city without getting spotted. The guy stops every couple of feet to look behind him. Nothing happens. This scene goes on for fifteen minutes.

  • While being chased, Michael Fassbender tries to climb up a wall to get away. Instead he runs into a pot, or something, and launches a couple of feet in the air impotently grabbing at nothing.

  • Michael Fassbender collects hundreds of flags around the city. This takes hours and serves no purpose in the film.

  • Michael Fassbender finds a chest but he can’t open it because he hasn’t signed in to Uplay.

  • The movie stops midway because “connection to the internet was lost”.

2

I want to see Michael Fassbender challenge another guy to a parkour race throughout the city for no real reason even though he’s got a city/family/friend/nation to save.

3

The trailer certainly doesn’t suffer from a lack of people jumping. I think it has more clips with peoples feet off the ground than on it.

Also, do people in real life ever actually talk in that action-movie growl? I guess I don’t spend a lot of time with groups of war-hardened assassins/secret agents/soldiers of fortuen/whatever trying to save the world, so maybe they really do talk like that. But its getting kind of distracting.

4

He needs to throw coins around and have the public bum-rush the guards too don’t forget

5

Poison a guard first, so when the crowd rushes in they get slaughtered.

An annoying minstrel stars following Fassbender around, so he pushes him into a canal.

Eight minute long philosophical discussions each time he kills a target.

6

Don’t forget the point where he realizes he’s missing one flag, but all of the ones on his map are marked off, so he has to spend hours slowly retracing his steps figuring out which one he ticked off that he didn’t actually pick up.

7

As long as they show him carrying a stiletto, a two-handed sword, a large battle axe, a crossbow, a pistol, a set of throwing knives and a collection of poison darts while scrambling up the sides of buildings and towers, I’ll be happy.

8

Why did they change the plot for the movie. The games plot was threadbare, but it at least made sense that Abstego kidnaps Desmond Miles. What’s the point of picking a random death row inmate?

9

I assume that Fassbender’s character is going to finish this movie as a virtual millionaire and in ownership of hundreds of priceless antiquities, due to a) people leaving chests with massive amounts of money out in plain sight with no effective guards around them and b) the fact that his local merchant appears to keep several rolled up canvases painted by Florentine masters stuffed down his trousers at all times.

10

During every chase scene, I assume that Fassbender will have to dodge an oddly high number of oblivious civilians carrying large, extremely fragile crates.

11

The real question is when he falls into water, does he instantly drown, even within reach of a boat/dock/pole/breakwater, or does he swim like an Olympic champion while wearing full armor and armed to the teeth?

12

The opening scene should be a slow, patient 10 minute sneak/hang/crawl across a plaza crowded with a dozen guards. Then when he finally gets on the building with target window within reach, he lines it up, crouches in ready position, and then springs 90 degrees sideways landing, in the middle of the plaza in front of all dozen guards who he slaughters clumsily, but easily, before calmly walking over to climb in the window.

13

For part of it, you could tell they really wanted to make a pirate movie, but they were told to make an Assassin’s Creed movie instead, so it ends up coming across as lame and non-committal, failing at both.

14

A 45 minute interlude where he goes to a bar to play Fanorona and Nine Men’s Morris. Followed by meetings with an architect and an art dealer.

15

Will there be long sequences of him gently shoving his way through a crowd and getting all “handsy” with them at a walking pace?

16

I want to see him run into walls, but not climb them. Just stop abruptly with his hands on the wall. Or better yet, have that same reaction when bumping into a bench, or people.

And if he ever gets on a horse, the civilians should all look on in amazement and walk directly in the path of the horse.

17

Seriously though, he’d better push at least one irritating minstrel into a scaffold, or I’m asking the box office for a refund.

18

I assume it’s just going unsaid up till now that if he doesn’t air assassinate an ocelot, it will be one of the greatest cinematic betrayals of all time.

19

I wanted to make some snarky comment about the surveillance missions but here’s a serious idea:

Micheal Fassbender gets killed five or six times throughout the movie, re-synchronizes, and tries again.

This is basically the only video game movie that could plausibly get away with depicting the player’s multiple lives.

20

I want to see passerbys silently glide across the ground, or possibly fall upwards. I want to see corpses spinning like pinwheels in a hurricane or sticking to Michael Fassbender’s feet.

I also want a big battle scene where our hero is surrounded by 50 guys who patiently attack him one at a time, do the exact same move, then get countered and shanked. Repeat, for 20 minutes.