Things I wish I could explain to my cat.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
81

Okay, Rex and C.C., now I have a lesson for the both of you, so listen up.

I know it’s very exciting for you when I clean the litter box. Judging solely from the volume of poop in there, I’d guess you spend about 97% of your time in that box, poop poop pooping away.

However, it is really unhelpful and rather disconcerting that you insist on watching me as I clean the box. And C.C., when I scoop the poops into the plastic bag, you do NOT need to crawl into the bag to see where they’re going. That’s gross.

Finally–and I know this is silly–but when I clean the litter box, I feel a sense of satisfaction. Call me crazy, but I like it when the utility closet doesn’t smell like cat doody. So could you refrain from jumping in there and doing your business for, say, five or ten minutes after I clean it?

Yeah, I didn’t think so.

P.S.–Stop flinging the litter out of the box, or I will have to fling you. :mad:

82

Pumpkin, it’s me…Mommie. Don’t you recognize me? I can’t help it if I sound like Darth Vader. I have the flu. Stop putting your ears back every time I speak to you.

83

Shadow:
If you don’t eat your breakfast, you know it will NOT be there when you come back.

Plummet:
You have plenty of food. You are getting distinctly fat. I gave you just as much breakfast as Shadow. You gulping it down as quckly as possible so the bowl looks empty will not fool me into giving you more. Go eat your dry food if you’re still starving.

Shadow:
For gawdssake eat your breakfast before somebody steals it. It’s meat. You liked it yesterday.

Both of you:
Politely hinting that your food tastes like shit by trying to bury it is actually quite amusing. But it won’t work. That is lino, it doesn’t move like dirt does. Stop already! I get the message.

On the positive side, I do truly deeply appreciate that you like to dig neat little holes in the garden beds under the lemon tree, and in the mulch round the native plants. I love not cleaning cat litter. Well done, boys. But you could still use the litter box when it is freezing cold and raining, couldn’t you? You are now wet and have cold muddy feet. Get off my pillow.

84

This thread has made me laugh so much that I’m now getting very strange looks from my collegues, who are wondering what can possibly be so funny on the company website (ahem.) It’s also made me realise how much I miss having cats. :frowning:

85

Dear SweetiePoo

You are a doll. Truly. You’re quiet, clean, and except for that one time I rudely moved your litterbox without forewarning, have never had one bathroom accident. You were even OK when I went and changed the type of litter and then changed it back. You’re sweet as pie and even the vet says you’ve got the prettiest gray/silver coat. But if I may bring a couple of things to your attention…

  1. I know you’re shy, and sometimes I hate people too, but once in a while Mommy’s friends come by for a chat. They are nice people and would love to see you, so you can come out from underneath the futon now?

  2. The fact that you play fetch and catch like a dog is the coolest party trick. And even better that you came that way. Can I suggest that when you bring back the hairband, that you actually bring it to me and not 3 feet away from me? You’ve come back all the way before. I know you can do it.

2a. More than bringing the hairband back, please oh please stop dunking them into your waterbowl. You may think it’s perfectly acceptable to fish out soggy hairbands and present them to Mommy for play later, but having a wet frayed thing on the floor is rather unpleasant.

  1. Just because I’m going near the bathroom doesn’t always mean it’s time for you to jump on the counter for your 8-times a day brushing.

  2. There are only so many times I can fill the sink so you can drink out of it. I sort of miss the days when you were deathly afraid of water.

  3. Inside grass good. Outside grass bad. Outside grass makes you throw up. Please understand that.
    Love,
    Girl Who Feeds You Wet Food

86

Tio:

  1. Stop bringing every pair of socks you find to the living room! Maybe you think you killed them and you’re bringing them to me as presents? They’re SOCKS! Didn’t put up much of a fight, did they? But then, since you’re an inside cat, maybe this is as close to hunting as you’ll get. I’ll let you have this one.

  2. Where do the fuzzy mice go? No really, where?

  3. Stop chewing plastic bags!! You keep waking me up at 4am with the crinkling! And then there’s also the fact that you’ll eventually choke on one. So cut it out.

  4. Know how your butt hangs out of that shoebox when you lie in it? And how your kitty gut oozes over the sides of it? And how you’ve stretched it out into a round box somehow? That means you’re too damn big for it!
    (but i can’t throw it out, because I’ll never hear the end of it.)

  5. It is MY sofa. The corner spot does NOT belong to you. When I have guests over and they sit there, please don’t sit and glare at them until they have to move. It freaks them out.

But thank you for the Tio-Alert Spider-Detection System. :smiley:

87

Rumple is like that too and while MetalGuy was away recently on a business trip, a friend of mine came over to do the litter box for me and I was SHOCKED as all get out when Rumple came over and let herself get petted by a (to her anyway) perfect stranger.

MetalMaven

88

miller: I know you think of me as your very large kitten, but please please please stop the incessant licking. I do not have fur. You don’t need to lick my fingers while I’m trying to type, my eyebrows while I’m trying to sleep or my arm/leg/foot/shoulder/side ALL THE TIME. Also, never ever open the screen and jump out of the window again, no matter how much you want to go out. We live on the second floor. Along the same lines, please do not jump down to the floor from the top of a 7ft tall bookcase anymore. It scared me because you meowed weird and limped…I had visions of your poor skinny cat legs in big casts. Please do not growl at raisin when she’s sleeping at the foot of the bed and you are at the head. She is far away, and sleeping. You can share the bed.
raisin: I am glad to see many of your idiosyncracies here…you are evidently a normal cat. But I must reiterate the following: my shoes are not your mortal foe, they are not even alive. Do not be so afraid of them when they show up on the living room floor. It happens Every Day. Oh, and I realize that your belly (I’m not calling you fat, you’re husky) makes it hard for you to deal with your dingleberries, but that 4" braided turd…was it really necessary to leave in on the down comforter?
miller & raisin: I love you both. My life would be the poorer without you.

89

[hijackfromanotherthread]Zoe, can I use your qoute as a sigline? It went like this:

Spram: I just want to be who I am.

Zoe: Oh please, have a little ambition.

I would’ve E-mailed you, but since you’re in the witness protection program…

90

Dear Petra,

I am so glad that you are good at running, climbing, and playing, despite your lack of a left back leg. I love it that you are so curious and affectionate. However, there are some things.

First. No matter how hard you try, or how much you think it will happen NEXT time, you won’t get any milk out of that green blanket on the bed. I PROMISE. I know you probably weren’t weaned properly, and I know you only try from that particular blanket, but it’s kind of gross to wake up at any given time in the night and hear your slurping noises and super loud purrs right in my ear when the top cover has moved and part of the green blanket has been exposed. I don’t mind the making biscuits part or the purring part, but PLEASE PLEASE stop sucking on that green blanket!

Second, I don’t mind you following me into the bathroom and searching for moths or playing with the rug. But could you please stop eating my toes? I know they’re shiny and colorful, but it really kind of hurts. And also, could you please pick IN or OUT while I am in there? There’s a reason the door is closed.

Third, I love it that you like to do Kitty Lovey Time ™ while we are in bed and the light is out, and that you don’t bother us while the light is still ON or when we are (ahem) busy. That’s wonderful! You learned very quickly not to attack feet under covers whether they were moving or not, and I’m glad that I (usually) get a full night’s sleep now. However, could you please maybe pick a Kitty Lovey time that is not 4, 5, or 6 AM? We don’t have to get up that early, I promise, and we can still do lovey time when the alarm goes off at 7:15.

Fourth. Oh. And the bathtub water? Gross. Don’t drink it. It’s full of soap and People Dirt and whatever else. Please drink the water in your bowl. I promise, it’s much fresher and better for you. Also, you will not get breakfast or dinner unless it’s breakfast or dinner time. You have dry crunchy food for the rest of the time. Standing in front of the fridge and mewing piteously whenever one of US wants a snack does not make those times come any faster.

Fifth. I am very glad we live in an apartment building and not a house, because when you bolt out the door as soon as it is opened and shoot out into the hallway, you only have a rug and closed doors to contend with. When we move to a place with a yard, I hope you won’t be tempted to do the same thing, because kitties with three legs don’t have as easy of a time with the Great Outdoors. Also, the neighbors’ cats don’t like you very much because you stalk them as though they are prey, even though you are half their size. When they hiss at you, that means “Leave me alone.” It does not mean “Pounce on me and run after me when I run away.” Other kitties would like you better if you listened to them a little more.

Love,

Female Person Who Gives the Dry Food

91

Grace-You’re very sweet. Being under the covers is a wonderful thing, but the deal with the claws must cease. Poking me in the thigh with one or two little claws is very annoying and somewhat painful. Stay out of the trash can, too. I know you were a starved little kitty last year, but just because you’re Holstein colored dosen’t mean you have to take on the shape of a cow. Nothing is good in the trash. I don’t appreciate it all over the kitchen, either. And leave Bertha alone, she has never done anything to you, but if she did kick your black and white butt, you’d deserve it.

John Doe- Let me clip your nails without having a kitty stroke. We’ve done this enough times for you to know I’m not going to hurt you. I am much bigger than you, and you can’t get out of the ‘underarm clench of doom.’ Leave Bertha alone. She needs to kick your striped butt.

Pea-Stop abusing Bertha! You are much bigger and you’ve proven it. Let it go. She’s 15 and dosen’t care if you’re King Shit.
She isn’t eating your food, going in your litter box or sleeping in your space on the bed. Just stop. Also, when I’m reading the newspaper, you really don’t have to sit on it. By now you should know I can’t read thru your big yellow ass.

Bertha-Love you, hunny, but for Gods Sake quit letting the other cats push you around! Quit acting afraid of them all the time! You have your own litter box, your own dish away from the rest, and your own place to live. Be Happy! If need be, kick all their kitty asses. By the way, pillows are for sleeping, not for peeing.

To the Group: LET ME SLEEP PAST 5:45!! You are not, repeat NOT going to starve to death if I don’t feed you before six AM. Really. It’s true. Honest. I’m too fond of you all to let you starve. Crunchies are perfectly acceptable as opposed to crunchies AND canned.