Thank you.
–Tim
Don’t grab the nearest wastepaper basket, set it between you and me, and start spitting your &*%$# tobacco juice into it while plunking out your lines of code.
Persistence in this matter will be unhealthy.
Poor aim will land you in the ICU.
You can’t jerk off in the computer lab? What sort of Bible Belt university is this?
Don’t put the paper inside the the VENT of the copy machine.
Just because you have your headphones on doesn’t mean we still can’t hear what you’re listening to. If someone sitting three chairs away can hear not just the words to the song but every breath the singer is taking, we’ve got a problem. And you won’t care for my solution, but I bet it’ll get a standing ovation from the rest of the lab!
And add a few of my own, specifically designed to make the lab assistant’s life easier.
Do NOT touch the monitor. There’s no reason for you to do this, and I have to clean up your grimy fucking fingerprints.
Do NOT download kiddie porn and then leave your underwear under the computer. (yes, this actually happened)
Do NOT fuck with anything. Don’t change the settings, don’t try to put paper in the printer yourself–two of them are broken and require a bit of patience.
Do NOT leave your dirty kleenex, candy wrappers, or extra pages of stuff you printed out sitting by your computer for someone else to clean up. There are trash cans all over the fucking place, so use one.
Do NOT write on the fucking computer or desk. I don’t care if you need to work on a math problem. THERE IS A FUCKING CALCULATOR ON THE COMPUTER. I don’t care if you need to write down a URL. Just copy it into notepad, and print the fucking thing out! It’s not like we’re charging you…
…6) Do NOT print out an entire video game cheat manual from the Internet. People are waiting behind you for these printers, and unlike you, they might actually be doing something vaguely school-related and important. If you MUST print out something really long, break it up into 10-page chunks, so people might be able to slip stuff in between it. Be fucking courteous. I don’t care if you’re technically allowed to print as much as you want, that doesn’t entitle you to be an asshole about it.
That is all. For now. Wait until I’m at work tomorrow, I’m SURE I’ll come up with something else.
From the personal experience department.
Don’t put = when you mean == and create an infinite loop around a fork-exec statement while connected the main unix box/file server for the computer science department.
In the Netherlands, they teach you how to type with one hand eh?
Man, I hate it when I do that.
Don’t hit the printers.
Don’t yell at the consultant.
Don’t dismantle the computers.
No tobacco use. I can smell chaw.
If you don’t indent, I don’t debug or advise you, except that you need to indent.
Don’t complile a set of all integers without being specific. The 3b2 counts slowly and everyone will know it is you.
don’t unplug the hardware.
don’t attach unapproved hardware.
Don’t change your ip address. The one you have at home is no good here.
Don’t ask the consultant to help you cheat.
Backup your own work or else.
Don’t shave the backs of Iranian circus midgets with a sharpened peach pit wedged into your upper butt-crack while singing the score of “The Pirates Of Penzance”. Learned that the hard way.
Read this again and again until it finally soaks through to your neuron. Oh, and stop putting “hidden” links to Direct Sex Access on the desktop. These are departmental computers, fer cryin’ out loud, not your personal tickle toys.
The next violation of these simple acts of curtesy will result in the revocation of your comp room privileges. Return your key and I will consider not filing charges with the University Student Judicial Affairs Office, re: unauthorized entry into, unauthorized use of, or misuse of University property, including computers and data and voice communication networks.
A few of my own…
Do not roll your eyes at me when I tell you I can’t help you with question about a program. I am here to address general hardware and system problems, put paper in the printer, and reset the alarm when you kick out the security cable. I’ll happily help if it’s a program I’m familiar with, but you’re on your own with the unknown third-party stats package you use for one of your classes.
Also do not roll your eyes when I tell you I can’t get more paper. I don’t have a key for the storeroom, and since they changed one of the locks I don’t have a key to get to a key to the storeroom. No, I will not take any from the cluster downstairs–that is owned by Campus Computing, and this cluster is owned by this college. If you want to steal from them, do it yourself.
No, I can’t fix the problem with your email account. I am a lowly cluster consultant for this college. You’ll have to talk to Computing Services, and no, acting irate won’t suddenly give me access to your account settings.
Finally, do not get pissed off when I tell you we’re closing in ten minutes. No, I’m not kidding. The cluster hours are posted on the door, and have been the same for the three years I’ve been here. It’s your own fault that you waited until the last minute to start the project for which you need a program available only here. I don’t get paid to stay here longer, and I have my own work to do.
And ditto everything Drain Bead said about modifying stuff.
If you’re a lab assistant, do NOT tell me the lab is closing just because you want the place to yourself. When I walk past the window later and see you downloading kiddie porn, I WILL go get my camera, and mail incriminating photos to both the university and the police. (After you get out on bail, do NOT track me down outside my dorm and start threatening my life. Especially not when I’m standing with two dozen gamer friends who are all carrying swords.)
ACHTUNG! ALLES LOOKENSPEEPERS! Das computermachine
ist nicht fuer gefingerpoken und mittengrabben.
Ist easy schnappender springenwerk, blowenfusen und poppencorken mit spitzensparken.
Ist nicht fuer gewerken bei das dumpkopfen.
Das rubbernecken sichtseeren keepen das cotten-pickenen hans in das pockets muss;
relaxen und watchen das blinkenlichten.
When you’re creating a document that you plan to print on one of the lab’s printers, take some time to think before you name the file. Remember, everyone in the lab can type “eos% lpq” and see your user name next to the document you are printing. This can be a bit of an embarrassment to you (and great entertainment to us) if you’ve named your document something like “kiddie_porn.ps”.
Was I just not paying attention in college (well, obviously)? I mean, who in their right mind goes to a public library and uses a communal printer to get kiddie porn?
I suppose the mentality it takes to download the kiddie porn goes hand in hand with the stupidity of printing it out for everyone to see, but still…
Yeah! Do this at work, like I do.
Heh heh… luckily they don’t use the printer too often.
I’m only a little ashamed of myself. On the other hand, last night I was able to shut down the Engine Block in the Asylum, collect 14 more Dark Souls, Retractor I, and climb the blood waterfuls in the Temple of Fire.
Do not taunt the Help Desk.
And for God’s sake, watch which sign on you use, and sign off when you’re done!
I had an idiot nurse download and print a 75-page document from my terminal. The next day, I had a nastygram from the hospital’s information services department asking me not to do it again, on pain of losing my Internet access. I forwarded the nastygram to the nurse. No response, but she hasn’t done it since.
Robin