Things not to do in a job interview

[li]Mimic interviewer’s questions in child-like voice, then answer normally.[/li][li]Point to photo of interviewer’s family then laugh uncontrollably.[/li][li]Upon walking into office ask the receptionist to hold all your calls.[/li][/ul]

Answer all questions through performance art.

Scratch uncontrollably.

Stare blankly around the room, and drool frequently.

Every time the interviewer looks down or away from you, steal something off of his/her desk.

pick your nose.

eat the booger.

Show up only wearing a loincloth, and before answering a question, ask your imaginary friend his or her opinion, then respond, referring to yourself in the third person.

End every answer by shouting YOP!

I heard a comedian on the radio who had a few good ones.

here is one.

Boss “where do you want to be in 5 years”
Applicant “god willing, at home with a work related injury.”


Unusual Behavior by Job Applicants

Don’t, under any cirucmstances, pick him up out of his chair, place him on the floor, sit in his chair, and start playing his head like a bongo. Man, did I learn the hard way!

Look down at your crotch and say, “I dunno… What do you think, Mr. Wally?”

Play with the intercom.

Ask if the health plan covers crack rehab.

Fall asleep.

Long, long ago I read an article that claimed the following things really happened:

  1. Interviewee wears walkman into interview and doesn’t take it off.

  2. Interviewee asks to use the phone to call his/her therapist before answering a particular question.

[li]Show excessive interest in the company’s severance package.[/li][li]Wear your Starfleet uniform to the interview.[/li][sub][sup](Especially not the one with the red shirt.)[/sup][/sub]
[li]Write out your resume in your own blood.[/li][li]Repeatedly steer the conversation towards your theories about the Kennedy assassination, the Moon landings, or circumcisions.[/li][li]Respond to everything the interviewer says by yelling “Cite?!?”[/li][/ul]

Don’t do what my brother did.
The interviewer asked him, “Are you a leader or a follower?” He answered “FOLLOWER”.

I was questioning an applicant about a lengthy break in his employment history, he told me he was selling drugs during that time.

Another applicant said he was kicked out of his apartment because “they didnt like the smell of my reefer”

[li] Rearranging the interviewer’s office furniture during the interview.[/li][li] Asking the interviewer out on a date.[/li][li] Trying to knock over objects on the desk with a rubber band.[/li][li] Channeling the spirit of Wu Li, elder Ming Dynasty advisor to the Emperor, to answer questions for you.[/li][li] Eating a sandwich during the interview, because you have a tight interview schedule for the afternoon.[/li] Putting a curse on the interviewer because you were not offered the job the minute you walked in the door.

Answer all questions in two ways: first, in your normal voice; and then in a sort of silly, high-pitched whine.

These actually happened to my wife:

  1. Don’t arrive to the interview wearing a ripped heavy metal t-shirt.

  2. Don’t tell the manager of a video game store (that caters to kids) that you hated the kids at your last job

  3. Hi Opal!

  4. Do not ask for an interview as your 4 kids are literally climbing the shelves.

Do not stand in the interviewer’s office doorway and declare, loudly, “I am <<insert last name here>> and I am here to solve all your problems!”

Yep, friend of mine did this. He thought it was funny; reported it with pride. Wondered why the job didn’t work out.

Don’t mistakenly wear pants that your evil dog has eaten the crotch out of. For some reason they aren’t impressed by this.

Tequila, I would be quite impressed by this… and I’m holding interviews for a job at my house later tonite… wanna come by?


[sub]I’m such a lech…[/sub]