Last Saturday, my little girl played in a soccer game, her first.
She made 0 kicks on goals and complained about the heat. After that, we went home.
Yesterday, my wife went around looking angry at something. Turns out, her period this month is worse than usual.
Today I had a surprise meeting with my boss. As it happened, I wasn’t fired, nor was the meeting about anything important or life-changing.
There was the time I went camping with some friends in the mountains, and…no, wait. Cultists.
Or when my boss sent me out into the swamp to look for…er, no. That ended up in curse-breaking.
Some buddies and I went to the swimming hole and…no, no. Crazed hillbilly with a shotgun.
Oh, right! When I was in college, I was the target of a drive-by shooting attempt in the parking lot of my apartment building. In a movie, it would have been a conspiracy to stop my laboratory work, or a mix-up with my uncanny mobster lookalike. Either way, it would have resulted in me dodging bullets while I figured out who was trying to rub me out.
Nope. Never found out who they were, and there were no further incidents. Just a random bit of thuggery. Fortunately, whoever they were, they were lousy shots.
Maybe hollywood needs (chekov’s) gun control? 
Actually, Asian men in porn are most frequently gay bottoms.
Well, I probably would have been John Candy in that scenario, but no, I didn’t meet up with Steve Martin either.
Someone stole my credit card recently, and I reported it to the issuing bank. It did not lead me on a tangled trail that brought me to the very heart of an evil multinational corporation’s vast conspiracy.
I once arrived a foreign airport with nary a cent of local currency in my pocket and the foreign exchange banks all closed for the night. Did a mysterious foreign stranger spot my plight and make a seemingly simple proposition to carry something or run some errand, thereby landing me in the middle of some convoluted international intrigue and/or jail?
No, my girlfriend had guessed (1) my approximate arrival time, and (2) that I was the kind of doofus to show up in a foreign country without any money for a bus. She showed up unannounced and gave me a ride home.
My sweet, innocent daughter suggested we start an animal adoption agency.
I said no.
One night I was stranded in Toronto after a concert. Rather than a) pay $150 for a hotel room or b) sit up all night in a coffee shop, my good friend (my first boyfriend from when I was a teenager, actually) offered to let me crash at his place…
I slept on the couch with his dog at my feet, woke up early, left a thank-you note and caught the first bus home.
I once looked at a small unusual detail in a photograph. Turned out to be lens flare and not the face of the ghost of a murdered child.
… yet.
MWAHAHAHAHAHAH!
Mrs. Devil and I often joke that we’re in the beginning of an action/horror flick. Life is nauseatingly perfect: business is booming; we’re in a (relatively) new house in the middle of five acres with a nice, ½-acre formal garden in front; the Dudeling is a happy two years old and has never been sick or otherwise crabby for more than an hour; New York City is less than an hour away; the pets are all healthy; we work together out of the house and are blissfully happy together 24
hours a day.
…but these five acres are heavily wooded and we can’t see or hear our neighbours—nor can they see or hear us.
We often think we hear that happy-go-lucky music playing in the background, right before one of us steps out for a ‘quick errand’. Fortunately, we’ve always come back.
Or you make a really bad decision when you pick a new nanny!
I picked up a hitchhiker that I didn’t know. I drove him into town and he got out of my car. There were no ominous warnings. There were no murders.
I’ve been out of work for over two years now, and I have told every one I met I need a job.
So far, nobody has offered me any type of work, especially not the job where in six months you are living in a luxury penthouse, driving a fancy car, wearing designer clothes and running the company.
I was a teenager rushing to get ready for work at the grocery store. A knock on the door, and a beautiful girl was there selling magazine subscriptions. I didn’t like any of the selections and she left. We didn’t have sex.
I was delayed getting to a flight. The agent at the counter said, “Hurry, you just may make it”. I ran through empty corridors and - made it in time*.
*[sub]I ran past the flight crew on the way and in hindsight could have slowed down at that point.[/sub]
I came home one day to find the sliding glass door open. I yelled to scare off anyone who might be there. I went in to find some things moved and a lockbox with a few things gone. No one was ever found, we were never burgled again, and I didn’t turn into a vigilante.
I have in fact uttered the phrase, “Things can’t possibly get any worse.” without the onset of a torrential downpour.
I had a really bad day yesterday. But somehow, inexplicably, I did not dream that I saw an angel that showed me what the world would have been like if I hadn’t been born.
Similarly, I have uttered the phrase “Oh come on, how hard can it be?” shortly before performing what turned out to be a pretty easy task.
Several people have, over the years, showed me the pictures of their wives, girlfriends and/or children, and to my certain knowledge, none have then perished in a Wehrmacht onslaught on our position.
If we’d even had a position.