A friend of my parents once mentioned that he was about a month away from retirement.
A month later, he retired.
Once, just a county over from my house, a guy who ran an exotic animal farm released all the animals, including dozens of tigers, lions, bears, monkeys, baboons, wolves and more, then killed himself. Schools were closed while they spent the next day hunting and killing these animals.
Nah, I don’t see a movie in that.
Did you ever hear him mutter to himself that he was too old for this shit?
While my girlfriend and I were having dinner recently with our dear friends (who happen to be a lesbian couple), I knocked over a jar onto myself and the floor, soaking my pant leg in liquid.
Subsequently, we did not find ourselves entangled in an awesome FFFM orgy.
I was once on an elevator with a pregnant woman, and the elevator got stuck. Actually, it wasn’t stuck between floors, it was just that the doors wouldn’t open.
We didn’t hurtle 20 floors to our death, and she didn’t go into labor, requiring me to deliver the baby.
The maintenance guys came and got us out in less than 10 minutes.
A few weeks ago my wife asked me to sit down, saying “We have to talk.”
She wanted to know my opinion whether we should sign up our daughter for gymnastics class.
WHEW!!!
Heh. Porn movies could be a whole thread of their own.
I can’t count the number of pizzas I’ve ordered in my life, and I’ve never had sex with the hot delivery girl.
During the times I’ve been in the hospital, no nurse has ever offered to make me “feel better” by giving me a BJ.
When I was in college, none of my female professors ever kept me after class to discuss my grade, then seduced me.
I have on occasion returned to my hotel room while the maid was still cleaning up, and it has yet to result in an afternoon of wild lovemaking.
The other night I was getting into my Jeep after picking up some take-out. I was parked in a dark parking lot downtown. A sketchy-looking woman staggered across the street towards me - she was probably drunk but in the dark it looked like the “zombie lurch”. I put my take-out in the passenger side and hurried around to the driver’s side…where I proceeded to DROP MY KEYS!!!
I picked them up, opened the door, the woman headed off down the street, I drove home and ate my nachos.
I called recently for the cable guy to fix my cable.
He did, and left. We exchanged no bodily fluids.
He might be back, in which case it will be the start of a different kind of movie.
Once when I was driving downtown, there was a guy in a suit walking across the crosswalk, just then putting on his tie. Our eyes met, and he gave me a crinkly-eyes smile like “Yep. Still trying to get it together before the office.”
If it’d been a movie we would have bumped into each other later at happy hour.