I was once at a cookout. I got a big juicy burger and sat down to eat. My friend’s 3-year old boy wandered up next to me, eyeing the burger like a puppy dog awaiting a treat. I took a bite out of the burger, licked my lips, and said “Mmmmmmmmmm. What a delicious burger. Mmmmmmmm.”
The kid reached towards my plate, and I jerked it away and said “PSYCHE!” He turned around and hit the floor, bawling and screaming and hitting the floor with his little fists.
This kid’s gonna grow up and be a traffic cop or a bank teller.
Your ass is grass.
When WhyKid was small, we’d take trips to the Toy Museum - you know, the one with the backwards R in its name. Saved me a lot of whining and money, plus I always found out what he wanted for gifts.
My not-so-shining moment, however, was a small girl (maybe 3) who wandered, unsupervised, over to our campfire one night. She stood in front of my very pregnant friend and me, just staring. Looked at the belly, looked at pregnant mom’s face, looked at me, back at the belly.
Pregnant mom says, “There’s a baby in my tummy.”
Kid looks at me, all wide-eyed innocence.
I leaned in close, “That’s 'cause she ate it,” I said quietly.
Kid’s eyes got really big, then she ran away. Never saw her again. Still don’t know who she belonged to.
He already beat me up with a light saber last weekend, so young Jedi he is.
A bitch payback is.
When I was a wee lad, my sisters (five of them, all older than me) had tons of fun with me. Two snippets that are still being retold:
They persuaded me to run around a living room full of Mom & Dad’s guests kissing people on the cheek and loudly proclaiming “Yuck!”
They persuaded me to announce to a crowded room, “I am conceited!” It got such a good laugh that I repeated it often and enthusiastically.
My dad did this, but didn’t know he did it:
He recountd the story of having been friends of the president of the University when he was in college. He recounted the president saying this, which wasn’t intended for my young ears, but which I overhead:
"You know, Bob, I get to know all of my “A” students, because they’ll come back here and teach for me someday.
(pregnant pause)
“And I get to know all of my “C” students, because they’re the ones who will be giving all the money to the university someday.”
I never cracked a book again.
I don’t get it.
The “A” students ended up being college professors, while the “C” students were making enough money in their non-professorial careers that they could donate large amounts of money to the university.
I’d never heard this before, but after I read the thread, I tried this on my daughter (age 23) and son (age 20). My daughter gave me a look exactly like my dog uses when I recite Shakespeare to it, and then moved on. My son, however, spent the next five minutes counting on his fingers, muttering to himself and eventually saying “That’s messed up!”
Is he donating lots of money to his alma mater?