I know that I can have casual conversations inside of military helicopters before the big operation and everyone will hear everyone else with no problem.
Or, if you can’t keep on coolly walking, be sure to jump forward 1 second before the explosion.
The fuzes on grenades run on movie time.
Good looking, big breasted women in tank tops firing fully automatic weapons never get hot brass down their cleavage.
The “enhance” function on a computer can resolve fingerprints at 50 yards.
Run-of-the-mill henchmen are knocked out with a single punch or kick to pretty much anywhere.
They are also instantly killed on contact with any projectile, no matter where they are hit.
Additionally, “good guys” can sustain multiple gunshots with minimal to no ill effects.
Sex on the beach is really romantic because sand never sticks to moist body parts.
A simple hand grenade will cause a fireball as big as your house unless it’s thrown at a good guy, and then all he has to do is duck.
Six weapons on full automatic are no match for one good guy with a pistol.
a) Corollary: the good guy always goes into a volatile situation with only five bullets to his name, but survives through wit and grit.
Hiding behind a car door is the best defense against someone with a weapon because he somehow can’t seem to see your feet.
That Czechoslovakia is like Wisconsin.
Cats ALWAYS meow, even when they’re sitting there with their mouth closed.
Stores only give out paper bags.
People can run fast for long distances and not get out of breath.
You can walk around in a sub-zero Celsius blizzard and your face & ears won’t get red and your nose definitely won’t run.
Trains blow their horns or whistles constantly when in motion.
People can take blow after blow after blow to the head without any lasting effects.
and if you get nauseous and you’re a woman…
Holding a lighter under one sprinker head will set off the entire sprinkler system in a building.
Shooting a propane tank will make it explode.
Tracing a call requires a specific amount of time to complete which is always known to the caller.
Getting thrown through a plate glass window is a minor inconvenience resulting in no cuts whatsoever.
Any computer system can be hacked by typing 200 words per minute without using a mouse. (Swordfish corollary: an SSL encrypted government website can be hacked from a laptop in 30 seconds with a gun to your head while getting a blowjob)
There are no women past the age of 40 in the world. At about that age, they simply vanish and are replaced by similar, but younger women. The entire female population of the world consists of shapely women who rarely speak to each other. If they do converse, they typically talk about men.
Also, women who super-duper smart wear glasses.
Asians are all super-smart, but super-nerdy.
Gay men are all eunuchs who only want to talk about sex, but never perform it. There are also so few gay men in the world that they never even bother to meet one another, preferring to simply hang out with their heterosexual friends.
Lesbians are really straight women who just haven’t met a truly manly man yet. As soon as they do, they turn straight.
Elderly black people have magical powers.
English gentlemen are all suave, debonair but ruthlessly eeeeeevil!
A human’s neck snaps as easily as a dry twig.
Slowly shuffling, mobilitiy impaired zombies in varying states of bodily decay are a credible threat. Well-armed military troops in riot gear that have full mobility, quick-witted reflexes and long-range weaponry will simply not be able to resist an uprising of the mindless, bodily impaired lurching creatures.
If you’re driving and notice that you are being tailed, the proper way to announce it is, “We’ve got company.”
That’s not completely true. There are two groups of Asians: The smart nerds and the martial art ninjas.
What is true is that Asian is a nationality. All that stuff about being Chinese or Japanese or Korean or Vietnamese or Thai is meaningless.
Going along with this, if you’re fighting a henchman or they are chasing you, you just need to get them into some kind of water. Force them into a lake, river, ocean. or even a public water fountain and they will instantly give up and smack the surface of the water in frustration.
Any lock on the planet can be picked with a bent paper clip or can be instantly destroyed with one round from a 9mm.
A pair of bolt cutters can chop through the thickest, hardest steel known to man.
One kick to a door, regardless of type, will cause it to burst open.
The most gorgeous person in the world will eventually fall in love with your butt-ugly self if you just give it enough time.
How to stop worrying and love the bomb.
A little makeup and a new hairstyle will cure your nearsightedness.
If you get out of a bubble bath without rinsing off you won’t spend the rest of the day sticky and feeling yucky.
It’s always proper to honk several times when driving up to someone’s house.
It’s always proper to hang up the phone without saying goodbye.
If you put a sweater on your shoulders it will stick to them like you glued it, and it will keep you toasty warm.
Nobody sweats except boxers.