<TedMosby>He said stuff kids, he said stuff<TedMosby>
If you are a young beautiful girl in a haunted house with a monster on the loose and many of your friends have already been killed, the proper response is to take a shower.
There are only two or three human narratives, and they involve martial arts, stylish leather and lots of explosions.
Whenever you’re running away from someone/something, even tho you’re running for your life, you have to keep turning around until you trip and fall.
Not to mention that everyone, apparently, takes bubble baths regularly.
Every single phone number across the entirety of America, including cellphones, starts with “555”
User name + post combo FTW. 
Flapping the reins makes a horse go.
If you’re a police officer and it turns out your boyfriend is a serial killer, there will be a cursory investigation and then you will get a promotion. The public and newsmedia will take no interest in this at all. (ETA: oops thats from TV. does it count?)
Kidding aside…time dilation, and Einstein’s Theory of Relativity. From a couple of kids’ movies.
Stalking someone and want to remain undetected? Park directly across the street, in plain view. You are magically invisible. If you want to be double-secret invisible, move the car 30 feet up or down the street, and hunch down in the seat about one inch.
Edit: daylight or nighttime makes no difference.
I learned that The sum of the square roots of any two sides of an isosceles triangle is equal to the square root of the remaining side.
Yo, math, bitch!
If there’s something important and newsworthy I need to know, the announcer will tell it as soon as I click on the TV. Otherwise, I can go ahead and turn it right off again.
Also, if a tiny fire breaks out in one isolated spot of an office building, every sprinkler in the place will open up.
Every female lawyer is impossibly hot, promiscuous and wears clothing which is flattering and well cut.
Everyone looks great always, even after they have supposedly spent 36 hours at the office. Maximum, you will see is a small yawn.
Children are brilliant and much wiser than adults, especially their parents.
I have not had the misfortune of seeing Battlefield Earth, knowing about it mainly through the Nostalgia Critic’s review. But the plot of this movie has taught me:
When the so-called “bad guys” destroy an entire planet and an entire population–civilians, women, children, everybody–we’re supposed to hate them and spend three movies rooting for Luke, Han, Leia and company to take them down.
But when the GOOD guys do it, it’s perfectly okay.
Don’t ever take sides against the family.
Don’t make your wife sing opera.
When Bogie says “put the phone down”, put the phone down.
Salt water is bad for the grass.
That’s no moon.
It’s a trap.
A hospital is a building where they help sick people.
There is never a good day to give up sniffing glue.
After a nuclear apocalypse, someone is still going to have to answer to the Coca-Cola company.
Autopilots can deflate.
Boston is not a college town.
If you want to bank or turn an airplane, turn the yoke hard to the left or right and HOLD it there until you want to level out. Then you just return it to neutral and the plane levels out.
When you kill the enemy guard to attack his base, his uniform will fit you as if it was custom made for you. And the boots will be a perfect fit too.
All the Roman generals, procurators, and Caesars spoke English with posh British accents. Oddly enough, the soldiers didn’t speak Scouse.
Even the smallest spacecraft has artificial gravity.
Sarcastic or serious?
Sarcastic:
I am Legend: Fords are the shittiest, slowest cars ever made.
Any sci fi movie: If you tell any scientist “In plain English, Einstein!” they will come up with a simplistic metaphor using sticks and balloons on the spot.
All zombie movies: If you come across a fortified group of military soldiers, keep walking. They’ll be overrun within 15 minutes.
40 year old virgin: A minimum wage job can afford a 2-3 bedroom, 2k sq/ft apartment.
If you jump in a cab and yell “Follow them!” or “Just drive!,” all cab drivers will do what you say without hesitation, calling it in, or dropping the fare flag.
Most Hollywood martial arts movies: breaking bricks is part of any belt test, and someone asking you to break some bricks to demonstrate your ability (Bloodsport,) is totally normal. Most dojos have piles of bricks in the corner just for that purpose.
Most judges and police sergeants are black but all laywers are still jews.
Every bomb ever made has a digital countdown timer with seconds, even though it was made from an alarm clock that doesn’t have seconds.
Serious:
(Scarface, The Crow): If you don’t know what you are doing, you can get seriously injured even if the gun is just shooting blanks.
(Cocktail): A cuba libre is just a rum and coke with a twist of fucking lime.
(Fighter in the Wind): Real fights are usually pretty short.
(Halloween, Memento, Blair Witch, Evil Dead, etc.) You can make a successful movie on a small budget your first time out.
When someone asks if anyone else knows about the incriminating evidence you’ve just discovered you should always say yes.
This goes double if you are asked if you are a god.
But that’s not important right now.