jarbabyj, just torture me, why don’cha.
To Mark…my ex-fiancee.
Mark,
I really wish you would move on with your life. There has to be a girl in Phoenix for you if you would only look.
I DID love you-notice the tense. I loved you so much that I took the time to teach you how to make love to me properly. I was going to leave my family behind for you. Fuck Mark-I said yes to your proposal when I don’t believe in marriage.
I know you think because of my past I’m damaged and you may be right. But unlike you I got over it. You had told me when you were in Korea for that year if I HAD to get some to do so. So when I met Kurt I did give him a blowjob. I didn’t tell you because I knew when you found out WHO I’d had been with you’d flip out. And I was right.
No matter if I’d sucked/fucked the starting lineup of the Blackhawks you still had NO RIGHT TO HIT ME!!! So it was only once-newsflash here Mark-my father never hit me across the face so what makes you think you can? You slapped the trust I had for you right off me.
Yes,you were there for me when Craig died and I do appreciate that but damn it Mark-LET ME GO!!!
Go out tonight and find someone-there’s got to be a girl out there for you but I am not her. It’s over. I would like to be able to stay friends with you but if you keep pushing me…if you loved me as much as you say you’d see how much your actions piss me off. Tanya
{{{hardygrrl}}}
Good for you, girl!
Or…we could just let Brady do it…yummm…are you open to a Jarbaby, Brady Anderson, Geobabe sandwich? Because I could set up a camera.
jarbaby
Oh. My. God. I am SO there!
Heeeyyyy…we could make a KILLING selling this on pay-per-view!
Do you remember all the arguments we used to have about your cigar smoking. When you came into the office and stunk up the whole place. When you had holes burned in your clothes. When you use to cough and hack up horrible stuff and say “Oh, it’s my allergies.” When you told me nobody dies of smoking and every report is wrong. When you told me some “girls” like smoking cigars (yeah, stupid ones). When you lit things on fire and insisted “Oh, I wasn’t lighting a cigar. I had a match lit for something else.” When you told me you stunk cause “I’ve been around people who were smoking. I don’t smoke that much.”
So what was it like for you when you realized the lit cigar you threw out your car window had come into the back seat and burned it up and you were now on fire? When your polyester clothes went up in smoke? When you got out of the car and a by-stander threw his jacket on you (and later remarked "It was like something out of a Hollywood set). What was it like with your ears and face burned off in the hospital? You lived for 36 hours. NOW do you believe smoking can kill people?
Of course, maybe we should be grateful that you didn’t burn up the whole town with your lit cigar!
d&j: If you stop going to classes, you cannot blame the University for cutting off your financial aid. If you don’t pay your rent you can’t blame your landlord for evicting you. And if you don’t pay the bills you can’t bitch about the water getting cut off. Jesus. Look up “accountability” and rethink a few things, you leeches.
c: Well, actually, I did and do care about you. You, however, had to emotionally distance yourself from the proceedings. I can understand that, and why you decided to stop, but you need to TELL a person what’s going on instead of randomly vanishing and leaving a person to wonder what she did wrong for two solid months.
j: If you aren’t in love with her you need move out, you dumb tit.
j: The universe does not revolve around you. No, really. No, it really doesn’t. No, I’m not joking.
j: Yeah, I lied, but you were a DUMB ASSHOLE and I only wish I could see how karma’s been treating you.
(I know a lot of dumb "j"s.)
j: Yeah, we slept together, but you were a DICK to assume I was going to be all about you afterward. We’d been having a great time hanging out ALL summer, and then you have to ruin it by assuming that I’m going to start stalking you just because we laid some pipe. snort, Like I’d be stupid enough to want a relationship with you. Oh, and no, you weren’t that good. Dumbass.
c: I wish we’d gone out for that walk and bottle of wine that night. You probably would have seduced me…but I probably wouldn’t have minded.
k: I still wish we had stayed friends. Here’s hoping the $30 I blow on classmates.com actually connects us…three cheers to Camper Van Squid, and here’s hoping you’re still the freak I almost coulda’ dated.
g: My fault, because I got home and shut that part of myself down. I’m trying. I’ll write. I promise. And it was all me, ALL ME, you didn’t do any of it. I just need to grow the fuck up.
anonymous: You have no idea who I am, because it’s a message board and I don’t admit shit, but I fantasize about you almost every night, damn your eyes. And I’m not kidding. Am I ever going to admit it? Probably not, which is just as well, because you don’t know me from Adam.
To my brother Mark (5/3/57 - 12/20/90)
Has it really been that long? Damn, I recall it so very clearly. I miss you terribly. I’m sure that you’re having a wonderful time, wherever you are. Stop by and see me when you get the chance - I looked for a sign at Erin’s wedding but may have missed it. Things are going well for me. Lilly has seen pictures of you and knows that there was once someone called “Uncle Mark.” You’d love her. Better stop now, this is getting a little difficult.
My love to you.
L
Annie, I’m a little embarrased to say that, while I thought the cigar-smoker had an awful demise, there was an unexpected comical aspect to his passing. Not trying to be insensitive, but you just know that his flaming finale is likely to be that which he’s most remembered for by at least some of the folks who knew him.
On to the OP:
M, try as I might, as I get older I have a harder time finding forgiveness for the way you treated me and the things you did decades ago. You wonder why I don’t call much. You wonder why I don’t come and see you. You have to have an idea why. I hope sometime I find a way to let it go. Not for you, though that would be nice, but just so I can quit carrying our fucked-up history around with me. I’ve often taken a sense of personal pride in not continuing that legacy you passed on to me in my dealings with others close to me. But just because I don’t take the anger and sorrow out on others doesn’t mean it’s nonexistent. It just gets turned inward. If I thought it would do any good to let it out on you, I would. But I don’t think that would do anything except give me the temporary satisfaction of vengeance. To tell you now would only add to the inner demons you face, and I imagine that you already have a hard enough time sleeping peacefully at night. I’m glad you’ve grown up and changed. For now, let’s leave it at that.
Dad:
I miss you. I’m sorry that I didn’t stay longer to talk to you in the hospital. I really didn’t know that you were going to die that night. I’m sorry for all the pain that we caused each other and the fighting. I’m sorry you couldn’t accept me the way I am, faults and all. I’m sorry that life treated you so bad. But it wasn’t my fault and it wasn’t Mom’s fault. You didn’t have to take it out on us and, as much as I love you, I’m having a hard time just “getting over it.” I wish you were here. Now that I’m older, maybe we’d be able to resolve our issues. I don’t want to bitter. I don’t want to be angry. I don’t want to be like you, as much as I love you.
To my MIL. I still cant believe that your gone at the age of 55. I wish I had told you what a great MIL you were, but its to late now. I really hope there is an afterlife because I know you’d be up there watching the birds “vibrating” for winter (I loved the way you would mix up your words and then laugh so hard at yourself) I miss you.
To Damnha, I see your post and feel bad it’s been so long since I e-mailed you and asked how things were. You always replied with something humorous to make me laugh. But, in this case it’s not to late 
Wow that felt cleansing talking about my MIL, thanks jarbabyj
r: Hi. I hope you’re doing okay. I think about you quite a bit and really don’t know what to do or say when I see you. Never before have I worried that my physical presence could harm somebody…or cause them to harm themselves. You’re a good person. You deserve more, most importantly from yourself. But you’ve got to make your own happiness and stop making excuses that only serve to hold you down. Please get help.
To My Sons - I’m sorry. Oh, there are so many thngs I’m sorry for.
I’m sorry that the choices I made did not benefit you the way I would have liked. I’m sorry that you dont have a regular family. I know you are well loved by everyone, but I kow sometimes its hard for you to explain your family structure, and I know that sometimes it bothers you.
YoungBun - I am sorry that your dad and I couldn’t make our friendship into a workable marriage. I am just so thankful that your dad and I have stayed such close friends, and that he married such a wonderful woman as your step-mom. I am sorry that I was such a terible mommy when you first came to me. No excuses, but I was so young, and desperately lonely and afraid when you were born. I know you remember the bad times, and thats why I try every day to be the worlds best mom now. I love you more than I can even put into words. You were the baby who loved me even though I didn’t deserve it.
YoungerBun - I am sorry that I chose your father. I am sorry that he is such a son-of-a-bitch. I suspected it from the beginning, but by the time I really knew for sure, you were already on the way. I am sorry that he doesnt want you. I cant understand how anyone would not want a wonderful, sweet, smart little boy like you as a son. It tears at my heart everytime you ask for him. It kills me a little more every time he dissapoints you. God, I wish he’d just die so you could grieve once and be done with it.
But always know that I love you fiercely, and I will do my best to make up for my shitty choices. Your father is the one losing out here, not you. And you are a good boy, and that has NOTHING to do with why your dad doesn’t want to see you.
Terry - I hate to say it, but all these years later I still love you. I am happily married to a wonderful man, but sometimes my mind goes back to that time when you loved me and made me feel like the whole world was smiling at me. I know people thought that a 15 year old could not possibly handle seeing a 40 year old man, but I could and did and would have continued to if things had been different. I am still not sure what happened between us, and sometimes I wonder if you ever really loved me. I hang on every word I hear about you, and I worry about you so much now that your health has started to decline. I wish you all the best in the world, and I will always hold you in my heart, in a little secret place where age doesn’t matter and we are free to love each other.
Dad - The day you died, I learned that the world is cruel and mean. I was only five, and when you died I was left with mom who really never liked me all that well. My little brother was hers, I was yours. I spent many lonley years after that, with noone to hold me or cherish me. I can still feel it, just as clearly as if I were still 5.
I somehow managed to grow up, with no one ever on my side. No one ever treasured me and loved me the way you had. Mom merely tolerated me. but I know its not your fault, even though when I was still little I blamed you for leaving me. It just happened and I’m not mad anymore. I miss you.
I know you’ll get a kick out of this: Whenever I do something mom doesn’t like, or something unusual, mom says I’m just like you. I’m glad. I am proud to be like you. I love you.
To eirroc, check spelling of damhna before posting. :wally:
And while I’m here I’ll feel much better if I say this because I’m still annoyed at myself for not saying anything at the time.
To the stupid arse who left his mobile phone switched on while me and my kids were watching a movie. Three different times you let it wring and all three times spoke on the damn thing! Thats after, you must have seen the sign on the way in saying, “please switch off all mobile phones” You ignoramous. Whats wrong with you? I know it was your wife because you passed it on to your daughter to speak to mommy. Jesus, if you miss her that much stay at home! And to the woman in the same show who let hers ring, and answered it. You got up and moved from your seat and I thought you were going out but no, you came and stood behind me and talked for a minute or two, decided you coulden’t hear and then went out. :rolleyes:
Ahhh I feel better now
:: hovers in the doorway, coughs, steps out of the shadows ::
K: I am sorry I didn’t come to you in December of '97 and tell you my story, all of it. Because … I knew he had his eye on you; he’d threatened several times to leave me for you. I am ashamed to say I did not walk away then and there. It was hard for me to admit I’d been treated badly. I wanted to think, for my pride’s sake, that this was a perfectly normal relationship, that all the cutting comments he made were jokes, that he pressured me into spending all my time with him because he loved me, that it had really been my choice to have unprotected sex that first time. Well. I was still naive enough to think abuse meant physical battery. And I believed you had a right to make your own mistakes, as I had made mine. I couldn’t have foreseen that your family would disown you for spending the night with him; in the world I came from, that would have been unthinkable. You were engaged within two weeks. You probably thought you had nowhere else to turn. My God. Not a week goes by that I don’t think of you or dream of you. I hope you are safe from violence against the mind and spirit as well as the body. I hope you have friends you can rely on; I am sorry I couldn’t have been one of them. All my best, always.
To the family:
For years, no decades, I was the stable one. I was the one who kept coming home to visit because I had no where else to go and no one esle to be with. I saw you all often and enjoyed the time I spent with you.
Then I met someone and fell in love. The universe changed over night. I was thirty, by the gods, and I had never been in a relationship. Then suddenly I met my other half. OF COURSE I CHANGED!!
Couldn’t you have made allowences. Couldn’t you have been happy or amused or something. Did you have to take it as an attack. Did you have to see it as somebody coming and taking you son/brother away. And most importantly did you have to then counter attack?
I wish I could have known what to expect so I could have handled it differently. As it was I didn’t know my ass from a teakettle during those first months. So on top of having to redefine what life meant I had to deal with your abuse of my lady. I wish I had had the experience to deal with both effectively. I have to tell you though that I know that I placed my attention correctly when I chose, as my first priority, to work out my life with my love.
We are now in some kind of truce. I don’t know if I will ever even see all of you again. It’s been years since I have even heard the voice of some of you. You have children I have never met. You have lives I know nothing about.
And I have become a person you would never even recognize. I wish it had been different.
I wish you could have been happy for me.
To my Mother-in-law:
Dear lady, please get a life. You are a kind, lovely person but you are driving me crazy. You joke one the phone about how glad I must be that you live so far away… all the while not realizing that I thank those above that you are so far away. I know I married your little boy and that, as a single mom, he was the focus of your life. Now you have the opportunity to find new focus. Get a hobby, join the women’s club. Do something other than call us nightly to chat for hours. You need something to distract you from all your obsessive worries. You don’t know how hard our last visit with you was for me. The way you kept after us, obsessed with our possible divorce just because your friend’s son got a divorce. I told you time and again that your son and I were happy together but you still wouldn’t drop it. I wanted to leave your house so badly right then.
I love your son and I hope someday to love you. Please get out of the house and make some friends and get a new hobby other than obsessing about our lives. Please.
Okay, I have a couple more:
Mom and Dad: I just want to thank you for everything. It’s not easy for you guys to have a daughter with an emotional disorder. My high school years were bad for me, and they must have been scary for you guys, not knowing what to do when I’d break down. I just want you to know that, even though I was confused and scared, I knew then that you were trying your best. I knew that you were trying your best to help me, but you didn’t know how. I never blamed you for any of it. I still feel bad for what you went through with me, even though you assure me it wasn’t my fault. I also thank you for allowing me to be a kid. You never dragged me into family arguements, and I know now that there were some big ones back then. I thank you for letting me form my own opinions and ideas. And I thank you for a million other things. There aren’t enough words, or enough time in the world for me to tell you everything I’m grateful for. I hope I’ve made you proud of me. I love you both very much.
Danny: You’re a prick. You’ve been a shitty brother to my dad, and the rest of your siblings. You are the family jackass. They say every family has one. You’re ours. I used to have a lot of affection for you. You screwed up a lot, and you pissed people off, but at least you weren’t malicious. You know what? Even I have lost all patience with you. You made an ass of yourself at my gramma’s funeral. You insulted my dad on the day he laid his mother-in-law to rest. You have managed to not screw up your kids too badly yet (your ex-wife does most of that), and for that I give you credit. You honestly love your kids, and that’s about all that keeps me from hating you altogether. You finally found a decent woman and managed to get her to marry you. For your own sake, I hope you don’t f*** it up. Oh, and one more thing: You can quit trying to get sympathy by mentioning your mental illness at every opportunity. A couple of us have one of our own, and we manage to not advertise it. IMO, they oughta increase your meds. Then maybe you could act like a human being once in awhile.
I want to add one too!
To Rosevelt: Thanks, no really, I hope she makes you happy :::snicker:::
J: If I could go back in time and change what happened that night, and in the ensuing days, I would. I didn’t think, didn’t reason, I just lashed out. Hurt a few people along the way, and destroyed any respect you had for me. I couldn’t separate what was from what I wanted, couldn’t accept reality. In so doing, I ruined a friendship, and shattered a singular, shared moment and made it empty. I am truly sorry.
o: I did everything within my power to help you, and I failed. I’m sorry. I hope some day you can understand why I had to abandon you. The nightmare I’ve been through the past few months will all have been worth it if you come out of this with nothing more than a few self-inflicted scars. I miss the old you, the one that your illness killed… yes, killed, because the person I saw behind those eyes in the worst of times was a frightening stranger, a shadow of who you truly are. I’m lost, scared, and alone, but more than anything, I want you to be ok. Know that when you leave for GA, part of my heart will go with you.
God damn. Y’all making me share and cry…