Things you probably won't ever get to say to them.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
81

Jeff: I feel as if I failed you somehow when I told you I couldn’t love you like you wanted me to love you. I know now that you needed me and I feel as if your unhappiness now can be traced back to me. I am so sorry I wasn’t there for you when I should’ve been.

J.V.D.: Like Jeff, I feel I failed you, but in a different way. I failed you by becoming like you. I skipped out on you when it was convenient for me. I did have my reasons, but I should’ve have been so angry with you for things that weren’t your fault…and I’m sorry.

Jason: I’m just sorry I couldn’t save you. I don’t know what made you feel you had to die. I have realized since your death that I really didn’t know anything about you and that is the worst part.

Trevor: I hate you with every fiber of my being. You are the only person I’ve ever seriously wished would go to hell for all eternity.

My high school: I made it out alive, motherf***ers. Are you disappointed?

My sister: I’m so proud of the person you’re becoming, in spite of problems we’ve had in the past, in spite of the way we resent each other. For all the “mistakes” you think you make, you’re a damn fine kid and I’m proud to be related to you.

A special person: You have made me feel alive when I was dying inside, when I was suffocating from my own apathy and depression. You have become my muse…

82

M: Timing is the key to life. -The End-

MMac: I hope something really really horrible happens to you, to make you know what it felt like to be me. You deserve to suffer. Oh, and you are NOT the center of the universe. RS was a married man, you not only slept with him, but you did so in a workplace where his wife also worked! He never loved you, he just wanted to have sex with you, you dumbshit. An “Ode to M” my arse.

And this whole, “I confessed to my priest” works when you fool around with a married man once, but I think doing it a second time, planning on breaking up a marriage and then making it sound like it’s his wife’s fault is unforgiveable.

How dare you call yourself a ‘good Catholic girl?’ You make me sick. I still get mad thinking about what you did to me. Fortunately, in the end, everyone saw what you were truly like and apologized to me. You deserve only the worst things in life. You are the only person in the world that I’ve ever hated.

83

Dorogoi moi:

You must know how wrong you were and how you’ve hurt me. You know that I never deserved this torment. You live happily oblivious to what I endure with each day. You lied. And, here’s the truly sad part, I miss you. (snaps rubber band on wrist). Ah hell, here I go again!

“…So tenderly I loved you, so sincerely, I pray God grant another love you so.” Ïîñëóøàéòå

Proshai

84

To everyone who came before me: Thank you for your contributions to society. I never really took you seriously until I started playing with Reynst’s toys while listening to Chopin.

To my dad: Fuck you. You don’t get to act all shocked when someone insults you, and then mock people constantly.

To my extended family: Thank you for making me feel bad for being a procrastinator. If you didn’t, I’d definitely never amount to anything. Especially Alan, you’ve turned into a great guy.

To Aunt Nancy: I know we’ve had our difficulties, but thanks for being so receptive once I finally started acting mature.

To every girl whose signals I have missed: I’m sorry. Signals are rare, and I’m an idiot.

To everyone who thinks everything midly sub-optimal would immediately turn into something horrible and bad (everything is a slippery slope): Stop it, it isn’t. If it was, the world would be unlivable, and it isn’t.

To everyone: I’ll try harder.

To all the friends I’ve ever had: where the hell are you? Am I really that forgetable?

To whatever is causing these breakouts of little itchy bumps on my arms: I really hope you’re an allergy, because I can’t afford to have any sort of health problem right now.

To everyone who writes in shorthand while trying to communicate: 60% of communication is already miscommunication; you’re not helping any.

Kathy: I hope that I didn’t cause any embarassment when I wrote you down as my crush on the senior survey in high school. It was my last chance to say anything to my high school class, and I felt like telling the truth for once. I hope I run into you sometime so that I can tell you this in person. I hope you have a nice life.

Mom: I’m an atheist. It’s not a fault of mine, and it’s not your fault.

Annie-Xmas: Wow, that really sucks.

jarbabyj: Thanks for starting this thread. You’ve helped more people more than you can possibly imagine. Maybe some of us will even tell these things to these people in real life.

Andrew Brian: I hope you have a nice life, and that I can be some part of it, even though I’ve never been very close to your parents.

To those who contributed to this thread: Thanks for making me cry, dammit.

85

Jeremy:
I gave everything I had for you. I traded the sweet-life for a chance to make things right for us…but it wasn’t enough. I don’t know what else I could have done. But you know I want you to be happy–always. I can only hope that the one you’re with now carries a -fraction- of the love I had in my heart.

I would’ve been yours until the end of the world. I’m so sorry it took me so long to tell you how much I loved you.

86

Dad: When you and Mom split up I was about 5 years old, and you two acted so mature and calm and adult about the whole thing, like this was a good thing, that I assumed it was a good thing. Well, twenty years of bullshit later, I finally realized it was NOT a good thing. That “quality time” crap that you and the other boomers spouted about is nonsense; what I needed was not basketball games on the weekends, but a day-to-day example.

But you know what? I somehow ended up OK. You and I get along pretty well now, as long as we’re either drunk or two states apart, and that’s fine, because after you left I learned to be my own damn man and how to get along without role models. That’s life; we bumble along, blindly banging into walls and stones, and sooner or later you learn how to do it. If anything, I’m lucky because I had to do it from scratch and didn’t learn your bullshit from the cradle.

But it was hard.

87

Brian: Even though I don’t (can’t) show it, I love you. Thank you for all of your gifts, concern, time, everything.

Ms. R: You know, we all hate you. For obvious reasons. Your inanity, your stupid jokes, your brainless comments, the insensitive way you single out my friends, the disgustingly stupid rhyming phrases you use (we are NOT preschoolers, thank you very much, and we highly dislike [pardon me, handy] phrases like “handy-dandy”), the fact that you can’t take a joke (Woman, get thee a calendar. It’s frickin April Fool’s Day!), your half-wittedness in general. I won’t waste any more bandwidth on you, you <long string of expletives censored>. You’re just not worth it. :mad:

Jacob: Thanks for being there for me. I never could tell you how much it meant to me. You are more than a friend, you are a savior, and I’ll never see you again.

Frank: Pull your head out of your ass and shut the hell up. Thank you.

My friends: You are the best. Don’t mind Ms. R or anyone else. You’re the greatest. Even if you do annoy me sometimes. We practically have our own culture, being closeted up Bilinguals in a Chinese/Taiwanese world. Don’t let anything ruin that culture. It’s too precious. You guys are the only reason I don’t just give up. Friendship is too precious to be lost over a squabble or two.

Mr. Bryan: Thank you for the support you’ve given over the years. You’re funny, engaging, and nice in the best sense of the word. Thank you.

Wind Sorceress: We’ve known each other since 2nd grade (:eek: it’s been that long?!) and I still can’t think of you in terms of age. You are simply ageless to me. You’ve always been there when I needed it, you were the only person I could talk to freely for the longest time. We may be different in minimal ways, but we’ve grown so close together that those ways are so much more minimal. Our “resonating brains” bear testament to that. You are my best friend, and don’t forget it.

I think I’ve rambled on long enough…

88

Heh, I only have an addendum…well, two.

One of yez from the other one: I’m sorry I keep not ‘getting it,’ but thank you for having the patience to stick around while I figure it out. I love you.

You: I can’t believe you’re still here. Thank you. I love you.

You: Thank you for both jollying me along AND kicking my ass when I needed it. It’s weird as hell that I have never met you. I love you.

Confidential to Michael York: Harrison Ford and Sean Connery have nothing on you. You were fab in “Logan’s Run,” you were fab on “Babylon 5,” and everything in between. You freakin’ rule, Mr. Michael York.

89

To John, thanks for always cheering me up and always supporting me. And thanks for the voice mails.:smiley:

To Craig, same as above but a million times more. I would have never had the confidence to audition for the Shooters gig, hell I wouldn’t have known about it if it wasn’t for you. I know no matter what I do, I’ll always have you behind me, and I cherish that. Thank you.

90

speaking as staff member
We don’t want to have to ship this thread off to The BBQ Pit, so please consider carefully the wording you choose for your post in this thread.
end of staff member speech

91

Scott: I’m sorry I was a gutless coward instead of the loyal friend you needed when everyone turned on you. I turned my back on you out of fear because I was told I was next. I’ve never understood why you and your family were treated that way. It was never right, and I knew it then, but I didn’t stick by you like a true friend should. I was weak. You deserved a better friend than I was; and you deserved to be treated with the same respect as everyone else. You didn’t do anything to bring on the abuse you got, but you stood up for yourself as best you could. I should have stood beside you no matter what happened. Wherever you are in the world, I hope you found people who appreciate you the way you should have been when I knew you.

Kelli: I wish I had responded the way I wanted to that day, it truly was a once-in-a-lifetime chance. To be in that place, under those circumstances, with you. Oh, how I wanted to, what a fulfillment of a fantasy it would have been. No one would have believed it: US? THERE? THEN? DOING THAT? We would have knocked that whole bunch on their asses in shock if they figured it out. The hypocrites needed to be shook up anyway. The talk had already started about you. I was such an loser that I was sure that I was reading into the situation what I wanted. She couldn’t want to do that, in there, now! Not with me! Anyone but me! That pause, probably the longest in my life, was torment. No one could have gotten to us. All I had to do was step forward and go. But I couldn’t believe in myself enough to believe that you would.

A: You are so much stronger and better than you know. Life has treated you so rough, that you don’t realize how beautiful a person you are inside and out. I was stupid not to respond sooner, when things seemed like they could start going our way. When we could help each other through the rough patch, and maybe find ourselves a small piece of happiness. Now you have pulled back from everyone, because life has decided to pile it on you again. Even if WE can’t happen, let me and the people who care about you in! We care about you and worry that you won’t realize that your trouble is temporary. You WILL get past this. And you don’t owe him that, you’ve done more than anyone should ask, considering the circumstances. You already know it will only hurt you even more, and won’t make a bit of difference to his problem. He has no right to ask that much of you; but I’ll admit to being biased on the subject. I want you to be happy, even if I can’t be a part of that happiness. There are days that I feel good about, no matter what shit happened to me, just because I know that I made you smile. I stopped you from hurting, even if it was just for a little while. I want the chance to make every day of yours the best day you can have. When I am with you, I feel like I have found the one woman who I would gladly sacrifice anything and everything for. Whose happiness takes priority over mine. I never felt that strongly for anyone before, my own happiness had to figure into it at some level. You make me want to forget myself if I know that I can bring you the joy and peace you have been cheated out of for so long. I guess that’s my definition of love, I’ve always been too selfish in the past to look at it that directly, to state it that bluntly. Even if we don’t get the chance to be together, I hope that you will work past your pain and you can someday accept that you are the beautiful, glorious person that I see.

I say too little when it matters, causing me to say too much when it doesn’t…

92

I: Can I be your friend?
C: You’re what I needed at the time. I wish things had turned out a little sweeter. I hope you’ve got yourself a gorgous plump hacker chick to do your magic with.
Y: I was crazy about you. I sometimes still dream of your curves.
M1: Have you stopped trying to be such a git?
M2: I’m sorry. It wasn’t my business to hate you.
R: We were all horrible to you. I’m sorry. I carry the sin with me.
F: You were born to an evil mother and raised by a good one.

Gramps: Sorry I went through a mean stage as a kid. You were my best friend too. Love you, miss you. You were a top bloke.

93

To every gorgeous boy I’ve ever ogled at the disco: In another universe, I would have the balls, the figure, or the wit to successfully approach you. I just wanted to know that you’re deliriously gorgeous. You should be airdropped by the UN into areas suffering from a gorgeous-boy drought. Your looks concretely enhance the world. If you don’t want to go to bed with me, at least go to bed with someone here and increase the amount of joy in the community at large.

94

Grandma S: Boy, I wish you were still around to meet my husband and my son. Me a mom, can you believe it? He’s wonderful, and I wish you were here so I could send you letters and photos and even ask you some advice. I think about you all the time and believe you’re keeping and eye out for all of us. Except when we’re having sex–I like you think you’re off playing cards then.

Grandma Z: I miss you as well and wish I’d understood you better. Such a hard hard sad life you had, but I never really knew any of that. Just that you were my grandma. Your kids and stepkids sure turned out wonderful–you do realize that, don’t you? It’s a joy to everyone how the cousins all get along. You missed meeting your great-grandson by just a few months. We’re thinking about potty-training–you were the expert on that so keep a kindly eye out for us, wouldja?

To a lot of my friends in college: I apologize for being immature, selfish, and boy-crazy. I really did not have my priorities straight and I wish I hadn’t been so difficult to be friends with. I’ve changed and one of my bigger regrets was that I just didn’t straighten out sooner. Please forgive me.

Erik: I haven’t thought about you in years, but the jerk in the movie Van Wilder looks so much like you, I thought of you again. I’ve stopped wishing you a miserable life, you soulless pinhead, but you still owe me the world’s biggest apology.

Michael: Take it as a compliment that it was so hard to get over you. I don’t know what it was, sheer chemistry I guess. Wish I’d been a little more “together” after the breakup, but thanks for your patience. I hope you are as happy in your family life as I am in mine.

Peter: You will always, always be the brother I never had. With my family now, I don’t have the time or freedom to travel to see you, but you are never far from my thoughts. You are perfect and beautiful and you inspire me with your faith, your love of people, and your generous soul. I hope my son turns out like you. But please, stop dating women too young for you.

To people I have used my sarcasm against: I sincerely apologize that I used my sense of humor to be mean. I was capable of better, and you deserved kinder treatment. I have become a nicer person (I hope) and I cringe over the times I was cutting. It’s a reflection on me and my character, not on you.

95

Cathy: I love you and miss you. I know we haven’t visited your grave, but i try and think of you often.

Paul: I wish I had asked you to go with me to the prom. I wish i had given you a valentine. I wish that I had told you that i wanted you. I wonder why we lost touch.

James: Are you still telling those stories? They were funnier than you’ll ever know. I hope you have found your niche.

Kevin: I wonder how the military worked out for you. I hope your family isn’t bringing you down, like you had said. That would be the greatest loss they could suffer.

Heather: You are one of the sweetest people i have ever known.

more to come…

96

Kathryn - I still think about you all the time.

97

To M:
My life is not your business.

Stop asking my friends nosy questions about me.
Stop keeping track of how many times a month I order in food so you can share the information with our mutual acquaintances.
Stop criticizing me for “not cooking enough,” an assumption you have made because you “don’t hear me in the kitchen” when you eavesdrop.
Stop asking my friends if they know whose car that was parked outside my house.
Stop peeking through the blinds at me when I am standing in my own yard talking to friends.
Stop asking where I’m going.
Stop with the gradual encroachment of your belongings into my yard.
Stop giving me unwanted advice about how I should be saving money.
Stop removing insulation on your side of the wall so that the heat I pay for goes through and you won’t have to turn your furnace on, you cheap @#$^&.
Stop listening at the wall when I’m talking on the phone.
Stop taking note of packages I receive and purchases I make so that you can ask my friends what I’m up to.
Stop wondering aloud how I am managing to get by since I have lost my job. Stop asking how much money I have saved. Stop asking if I have an inheritance. Stop asking if I have a mutual fund. Stop asking if I have a broker.
Stop leaving dead plants, disused car batteries, empty plastic containers, and yellowing newspapers all over the yard.

98

PS to the above:

I actually have said a lot of this stuff to the neighbor in question. He seems unable to absorb any of this. He is still oblivious to why I don’t want anything to do to him and I find him actually kind of scary. One of many reasons I’m moving.

99

To my father

I love you. I didn’t think we had anything in common. I didn’t think we could be any more different, then mom said “If I were any more like you, you’d have given birth to me yourself”, and it cliqued. Of all your children, I think I am most like you. I got your smile, not that we see if often, but if you’ll check dad, you’ll see mine is just like yours. I’ve got your temper, your sense of right and wrong, your morbid sense of humor, and your ever present, use it as a shield to keep from getting hurt gruff demeanor. I’ve even got the “I’m so tough and scary” look you like to use down pat.

I remind myself of you a little more each day. The way I will do anything in the world to help someone I love. The way I lose my temper so quickly, and push away those very same people I would give my life for. I see you dad, and I’m scared that I will turn into the living contradiction that you are. I guess it’s true that you hurt the ones you love.

You have always been a good provider. We’ve never wanted for anything tangible in our lives. There was always food on the table, a roof over our heads, and clothing on our backs. I truly do thank you for that. But, in my life, I can’t ever remember hearing you say that you loved me, and I can’t ever remember hugging and kissing you like I do to mom. I can’t remember how it happened, or when it became official, but dad never got a hug. Dad doesn’t like hugs and kisses. Dad doesn’t show affection or weakness.

I wanted to tell you dad, that knowing we are very much alike fills me with as much as sense of pride as it does of fear. I know that being like you means my children will never truly be afraid, because even though you may get angry no matter what the problem, you always made it better. But being like you scares me because I wonder whether someday, my children will write letters to me that I will never read. Will my family love me, but not be able to tell me so? Will they feel a desire to hug and kiss me like little children should and hold back because I might take it the wrong way?

Sometimes I see you and you look so lonely and tired I just want to hold your hand but I never do.

Thank you Jarbabyj. I feel better.

100

To the last roomate, in response to the question "Do you think I’m stupid?"

Which I didn’t answer that night because when most people ask that question, it’s rhetorical. But when you asked me again first thing the next morning I should have told you that although I don’t think you’re stupid, I do find you to be selfish, manipulative, mean, and in general not a good person at all.

Zelda I miss you kitten! I’m sorry you got left at the house all alone when I was going to school and working full-time. I know you were lonely. I wish you hadn’t run away. I’ll always love you and no other cat will ever be your equal.