Got another one…
Anybody familiar with those de la Vega quotes all over NYC, in chalk on the pavement? Might be in other cities too, for all I know. Anyway, some ripoff artist in the building I work & go to school in has been scrawling similar stuff on the stairs.
One of them is “Dancing is never fatal.” And I thought, “Well, it was for Isadora Duncan.”
ROFLMAO!
(I spoke too soon!)
A few years ago, I was working at a video rental place. There was a man that came in fairly regularly that had a withered right hand. This wouldn’t have been any big deal, but he never rented anything except for porn, usually 2 or 3 tapes at a time.
Of course I never asked, but I always had to wonder:
“Does he use that hand? Please tell me he doesn’t use that hand…”
Years ago, a man who lives in my area attempted suicide by putting a .22 in his mouth. He survived, but the shot left his face badly deformed. Much later, while my friends and I were “hanging out” one of them got into an altercation with him.
“I’ll kick your ass!” he threatened.
“Now, now.” my friend replied, “Don’t go shooting your mouth off again.”
WARNING: You may want to skip this one.
I’ve been delivering a lot of babies recently. Most of them have been healthy. But it’s certainly possible that a baby might be very sick – might be born without a head, or even be a mole instead of a baby, just a lump of tissue.
Obviously, mom would be very upset if this happened. How should I respond? Would it be wrong to give the mom and dad a cigar and congratulate them on the birth of their wonderful new headless mole?
Headless mole…that was funny.
Zebra, your joke about your dad reminds me of the ol’ one about Beethoven:
Q. What is Beethoven doing now?
A. Decomposing
::rimshot::
My dad, every time we drive by a cemetary, insists on saying “Boy, people sure are dying to get in there” ::groan:: EVERY SINGLE TIME we drove by a cemetary. It wasn’t funny after the first, oh say, 500 TIMES!
oh…my…god
LMAO!
LMAO!!!
Good lord, that is the absolute funniest thing I have heard ALL WEEK.
With what? His braille monitor?
Q. What’s the hardest part about eating vegetables?
A. Getting them out of their wheelchairs!
Doh!
[Foghorn Leghorn voice] It’s a JOKE, son. Wassamatta, boy, got corncobs in yore ears? Irony, boy! Check it out, you might like it. [/Foghorn Leghorn voice]
I recall watching the news about Princess Diana’s car crash on CNN. After they updated the note at the bottom of the screen from “Princess Diana injured” to “Princess Diana seriously injured”, I suggested a pool on when they’d update it to “Princess Diana dead”. Good thing no one took me up on the offer, I’d have never guessed 10 minutes.
I’ve said far worse, but that’s the only one I can think of.
I have a very sick sense of humor…I’m embarrassed about even typing these things, but oh well.
A month before I graduated high school, a good friend, Bobby Jo, died in a tragic car accident. It was really unexpected, very awful for all her friends and out graduating class.
Well, right before hand, she had gotten this guy drunk and sucked his dick and then had sex with him. This is high school, remember, and once a few people found out (mostly the guy’s friends) it was all over the school. I remember the Monday after she did it, their table next to ours was chanting, “Jobby Blow! Jobby Blow!” Then Bobby Jo gives us all these lurid details: they had been playing pool, she purposely stayed sober while he drank so she could get his clothes off…she gave head to her special pool cue to show off her skills for him before the deed. The guy, I should mention, talked like Mike Tyson.
After she died, I went to every viewing and was just bereft at the actual service - I literally could not cry anymore. Well, the infamous guy comes in, looking kind of sheepish, and places the special pool cue by her coffin - she had left it at his house. I looked at my best friend, who was crying, and whispered, in my best Mike Tyson voice, “I’ll miss you, Jobby Blow. Wish I could cum with you!”
Everyone thought we were sobbing hysterically.
Also, at Schindler’s List - I went with my Aunt Elaine, who was the queen of sick and twisted humor. During the scene at the camp with all the naked guys, my aunt starts singing, “Does you dick hang low, does it wobble to and fro, can you tie it in a knot, can you tie it in a bow? Can you through it over your shoulder like a Continental Soldier, does you dick hang low?” It was meant to be quiet, but I started snorting, and her voice scaled up so that everyone heard. People actually through popcorn at us, but we were laughing so hard we didn’t notice.
The real lyrics, of course, are “Do your ears hang low…” 
When I was a camp counselor, our x-rated version of this little ditty went as follows:
Do your balls hang low?
Do the wobble to and fro?
Do you beat your meat on a toilet seat?
Do you twang your want with the rest of the gang?
Do your balls hang low?
[sup]taking a bow[/sup]
Cranky: You are plotting with your friends to have a dramatic money-changing-hands the moment he sez “I do,” right?
When a friend broke the news to me that Jim Varney had died, the first words out of my mouth were, “Ernest Goes To Hell.”
And I nominate Revtim’s as the most well-deserved comeback.
Well this happened yesterday. My mother works part time in a Sears call center for vinyl siding. While she was getting a lead, the call center’s market moved to Seattle. All of a sudden the woman behind her stands up and yells, “It’s an Earthquake!!!” Then about 7-10 agents stand up and start screaming too, while their customer’s are making them stay on the phone because there is an earthquake. My mother, who was talking to someone in Virginia, had no idea what was going on.
She laughed the whole ride home, while I was driving her about everyone standing up in Florida screaming about an earthquake. Luckily not a lot of people were injured, or she would have felt really bad.
Mmmm…young Omar Sharif…
:o
My sister and I went with a friend to drop off some food for burn patients at the hospital where we live. My sister and I stayed in the car while our friend took in the home cooked meal. It was getting really warm in the car while we waited when my sister said “God - I’m burning up”. It was so terrible - considering where we were - we couldn’t help but laugh.
Perhaps a screen reader? A blind friend of mine has one and there are supposedly very few things she can’t read with it.
Before I tell my own, I have to give my vote for absolute funniest post to Nacho4Sara. I was seriously bent over with laughter. Those were the funniest things I have read in a long time. Okay, moving on . . .
After the earthquake yesterday, my friend and I were walking across campus to the cafeteria and we saw a couple of heavy girls sitting in red square eating mcdonalds. One girl had a dog that was staring intently at the other girl’s hamburger. Jimmy says “Looks like that dog wants her hamburger.” I think “Looks like the owner wouldn’t mind a bite either.” Of course I laughed and had to share my thought with him, but as a heavy girl myself, I want you to know I felt very bad.
And now for the joke that a beginning pediatrician told a friend of a friend of mine, and wins the award for best off-color joke told by someone to blow off steam about their profession:
**What’s better than sex with a six-year old?
Nothing.**