Even in my early old age/late middle age I find I am continually discovering newish things about myself that could have been useful earlier in my life. Of course I didn’t know them because I wasn’t ready to accept them, not because they weren’t, in retrospect, obvious.
For example: I wish I had had a better understanding of my unending conflict between wanting to be part of a group and not fitting into any group (I’m too unusual a conglomeration of traits and interests, and far too introverted). I would have scaled down my expectations, stopped trying so hard, or quit trying earlier, depending on circumstances.
Similarly I wish I had known that I have a diagnosable learning disability (dyscalculia); it would have saved me quite a bit of agony if I’d known that there were skills that no matter how easily an average person could master them, I never would.
I wish I’d understood the difference between intelligence and wisdom. I’ve always been smart (I joined Mensa) but had a terrible sense of judgment or how to assess the wisdom of a path or decision, and made a lot of foolish choices as a result.
That to be happy, I need to feel that I am making a difference.
Until I was around 40, I lived (as many Americans do) primarily in pursuit of my own happiness. I wasn’t profligate, or lazy. I worked hard at my job. But it didn’t matter much to me whether my work made a difference. I was happy (or so I thought) if I enjoyed the work, and it paid the bills.
It was coming in contact (over a few years) with a number of individuals who lived to serve that I realized how much more fulfilling such a life is. These people were of a wide range of walks and stations of life. Some were military personnel, some were engineers, some were medical professionals, some were small business owners. None of them ever gave me a word of advice. But seeing how they lived their lives spoke volumes.
I wish the world had known about Attention Deficit Disorder when I was struggling as a student in the 1960s. I was in the section with the “bright” kids but I couldn’t keep up and my self-esteem was destroyed by it. I was berated for being lazy and not paying attention, blah blah blah. I realized this as my problem many years later and in recognizing it, I’ve found ways to work around it, but the pain of those years lingers even today.
I thought of another one: how much qualities other than intelligence drive the world. I was told so often how bright and talented I was and how I “should do something” with those gifts.
Turns out, traits like extraversion, resilience, and high energy levels, are usually more important. And they are just as innate as creativity or high IQ.
I only found out I had Asperger’s Syndrome in my fifties.
Although I have coped, it would have been extremely helpful to me and my family if we had known earlier.
Same here. In the rare instances in which I figured out a woman was attracted to me (because she hit me on the head), I assumed she either had bad eyesight or bad judgment.
I wish I had known I had ADHD. I was diagnosed at age 34. I do not fit the stereotype. In the 90s I don’t think anything was known about Innatentive Type (non-hyperactive) ADHD and a lot of mental health professionals today still don’t understand it. So much of the conflict that led to my mother abusing me stemmed from her frustration that I didn’t listen, didn’t pay attention and performed tasks carelessly. Because I was a high achieving angel at school it was always framed as, “You’re doing well in school so obviously you’re not trying hard enough. You’re lazy and selfish.” But God was I ever trying.
I spent so many years feeling constantly overwhelmed and being told it was just depression, just PTSD, just anxiety, until I encountered a beautiful oasis of mental health stability and I was still. Constantly. Overwhelmed. Despite being a high achiever I always felt like I was missing out on something all the other smart kids knew. I felt like I was faking my way through life, pretending I could follow conversations, getting away with being constantly distracted at work just because they overestimate the amount of time it takes me to do something. I couldn’t deal with housework. Just trying to put together a meal can be daunting. There were all of these things I felt I should be able to do if I just tried hard enough, but I failed every time.
So when we finally figured it out, it was like that last piece of the puzzle sliding into place. It took a few years for me to really get help though. I realized I needed intervention when I went the entire month of April achieving absolutely nothing. If my boss had asked me what I did that month I had not a single thing to show for it. Working from home was hell.
So I signed up for group ADHD coaching online, which has helped tremendously. I’ve been on stimulants for about a month now and it’s like I’m a different person. I have less anxiety, less impulsivity and a general feeling of serenity that just makes life seem so much more doable. My kitchen has never been cleaner.
I accomplished a lot in life, but I can’t help but wonder how much more I would have, and if it would have been less of a struggle.
Your story sounds so much like my daughter’s. Minus the abuse. She is 30 and just now working through her diagnosis. So far she hasn’t found a stimulant that is helpful. In the 90’s I had never heard of ADHD manifesting that way, and I guess neither did anyone else.
Mental health professionals to this day don’t often understand ADHD. I’ve heard people told they can’t have ADHD because they’re not hyperactive, because they successfully finished graduate school, because they’re holding down a job, because “motherhood is just stressful” and on and on. And it is this lack of understanding that has resulted in so few of us getting a timely diagnosis.
I’m fortunate that I have an excellent psychiatrist, but the first one I was referred to by the ADHD specialist who diagnosed me wouldn’t give me stimulants because, he strongly implied, I might sell them. He completely ignored the diagnostic evaluation sent by the specialist and had me fill out a basic one page checklist clearly geared toward hyperactivity. It was a fucking joke. Fortunately the next one I found didn’t hesitate to treat me for ALL my conditions. I tried a non stimulant for a long time but when that didn’t work she suggested Vyvanse. Freaking miracle drug.
Oh and I also want to add that emotion dysregulation is a big part of the disorder often overlooked. It can be a symptom of other conditions such as BPD, but ADHD brains are really sensitive to setbacks and perceived rejections and we can be totally knocked on our ass by strong emotions about seemingly minor things. That’s something that is not even discussed usually.
