Remember the weird things your mother told you?
Don’t drink out of a water fountain, you will get thrush.
Don’t try on sun glasses, you will get pink eye.
Don’t try on hats or caps, you will get lice.
Don’t breath in the doctors office waiting room, you will get all the germs.
Don’t play in a sandbox, you will get ringworms.
When you are riding a bus, don’t touch anything, you get yellow jaundice from a bus.
Garsh, sounds like mama had a lot of fun with you! Personally, I don’t know if I’d be admitting that about my mama. 
When I was in grade school, my mother told me I should be an engineer when I grew up. I always wondered why she wanted me to drive a train, until I learned the OTHER definition of engineer (and ended up becoming one).
“You can always judge someone by how they treat the help.”
“Don’t play with your weiner so much. It’s not a toy!”
How wrong Mom was…LOOK at it! It’s humorous, even comical!
It gets bigger and smaller! It changes colour!
Women like it! Men like it! People want to play with it!
You can swing it around! You can write your name in the snow! It’s free for life! Of COURSE it’s a toy.
“There are three rooms in this house that need to be cleaned every day. I have three kids. You do the math.”
“The reason I had kids was so that I didn’t have to get out of bed on Sunday mornings to make coffee. Make it stronger this time.”
“Be home by 12:00am; but don’t wake me up doing it.”
“Don’t walk in that mud, Alex, you’ll sink to you your knees and get stuck . . . oh you dumbass.”
My mother was a wise woman.
“Don’t run with scissors” - What was that about?
“Reading in the dark? You’ll ruin your eyes.”
“Always put toilet paper on a public toilet seat before you sit down.” (I have yet to figure out exactly what the toilet paper is supposed protect you from.)
“If you don’t go to college, you’ll have to flip burgers for the rest of your life.”
“If you don’t wear a bra, you’ll have old-lady breasts by the time you’re twenty!” And even more memorably, on the same subject, “I’m SURE cave women wore bras – or propped them up with sticks or something.”
My mom would always yell at me for sticking my face in the freezer after coming inside from a day of running around. She would always tell me that my face would turn sideways if I did that. Never understood it then and I sure as hell don’t understand it now.
A nice hot shower helps take the sting out of a sunburn. (Not only not true, but the exact opposite of what you should really do.)
“If you don’t stop chewing your nails, you’ll never become a cheerleader.”
What the woman failed to realize was that a cheerleader was the LAST thing I ever wanted to be. In fact, I would have gladly chewed up to my elbows if that were the only way to avoid becoming one.
It’s times like this that I wish I had listened to what my mother told me when I was little.
What did she tell you?
I don’t know. I didn’t listen.
“If the snow sticks around for 2 days, it is waiting for the next snow fall”
looking around at the snow still on the ground and grumbling because more is expected tomorrow night
“Don’t always believe it when a woman says she’s on the pill.”- Mom, when I was about twelve.
Seriously.
“I’m cold – go put on a sweater / put on some socks / cover up with the blanket.” Because seeing my skin sticking out somehow made her feel colder.
That stopped once the hot flashes started … 
“If you keep scrunching your face like that it’s going to stay that way”.
Shoulda listened.
“You have to eat the burned pieces of toast so that you don’t get worms.”
“If you don’t eat black-eyed peas on New Years’ Day, we’ll be poor all year long.”
“As soon as you start to wear lipstick, it makes the color of your lips start fading–so wait as long as possible before ever wearing lipstick or your lips will be pale your whole life.”
“If you have a high forehead, you have to have bangs. Otherwise, you will look stupid.”
“Drink your milk, or you’ll grow up to be a hunchback”
“Close the door! We’re not paying to heat the neighborhood!”
And, of course, the dreaded…
“You just wait until your father gets home.”
“Beer before hard, you’re in the yard, hard before beer, you’re in the clear.”
“Don’t eat yellow snow.”
“Incest is best, if you can’t keep it in your pants, keep it in the family.”
“Carrots help your eye sight”
“You can’t cook out of a microwave your entire life” Oh yeah? Just see me try it.
“That computer is going to ruin your grades” oh really take a look at my 4.0… last year.
Oh dear.
Kitty