You know what? All this hair between your toes is a real friggn nuisance.
“Get that out of your mouth! You’re not supposed to eat it, you’re supposed to play with it!”
Must you look at me when you poop?
STOP F****** BARKING FOR ONE F****** SECOND ALREADY!
Please don’t eat my pants.
Don’t eat my toes.
If you bite me one more time I’m going to punt you like a football!
MY FEET ARE NOT YOUR TOYS!
“Quit fucking your sister!”
That’s what happen when you have two dogs from the same parents and your husband refuses to get the male one fixed.
"For 2 cents, I’d take you back to the humane society. Don’t try me. "(daily sentiment, really)
“fucking cat” (when tripped over)
“You do that again and I will kill you.” (when the cat licks the walls. Yes, you read that correctly)
“Simon!” (cat’s name–unless the lover shared the moniker, it might get awkward…)
Quit rubbing your ass on the new carpet!
If you must do that, take HumperBear down to the bedroom.
Get your anus off my leg.
Quit licking my armpit!
Get out of the refrigerator. You were just rolling in the kitty box!!
Oh, where do I start?
“Get off my tits!”
“Shut the fuck up! It’s just the TV!” (Dogs barking on Animal Planet)
“I just put that deodorant on! Quit it!”
“Must you look at me while I poop?”
“MOVE!!!”
Take your claws out of my tits right now!
ETA: I’ve had to say this so many times to my little kitty-biscuit makers that at this point I usually just yell “Claws! Tits! Now!”
“Did you just puke??”
Aaaah! Claw. Nipple. OW!
“Don’t put my entire thumb in your mouth.”
“Got your head! Got your head!”
“Must you lick my sweaty toes?”
Well, I doubt it’ll win the thread, but the things I’ve said to my newest pet are: (roughyly)
“Jubble, wudgy wubbly wubble”
“come ere you little sausage. Hewwwow sausage jubble”
“eesa fubbly wubble wublle…no! no stop it! naughty!”
“Idiot lizard.”
He has a plush teddy bear that he likes to hump. I call it HumperBear*. He’ll start in on HumperBear and then look at me guiltily.
Frankly, I don’t care if he wants to hump his bear but I don’t particularly want to watch. So I say, “If you must do that, take HumperBear down to the bedroom.” It doesn’t usually work and I end up ignoring him.
*Actually, it’s HumperBear II because the original was too gross for words. But we don’t like to talk about that. 
“Will ya quit squirming and take it like a man!” (when pilling my female grand dame kitty)
“Do you HAVE to be where I am?”
“Mmmmm… Ass” (other kitty loves plunking herself down in front of me to clean herself. Doesn’t matter where I am, there she is)
“Quit drooling in my ear”
Why do we abbreviate human names to “nick” them, but enlongate animal names?
Bernie is “Bernastine” or “Berniewernie”
Cleo is “Cleo-bo-Beeo” or “Cleobrat-tra”