Real things I said to my pets today

  1. “No! You’re a couple of decades too young to drink that.”

  2. “No, you can’t put your tongue in my nose.”

  1. “Kittycats don’t drink tea, especially tea with lots of lemon!”

  2. “You know, the Maker gave you those wings for a reason, and one of them isn’t to bop me in the head when I’m not handing you treats fast enough!”

“Please stop thwapping me in the crotch.”

Every day I say the same thing to my cat, several times a day;"Fucking cat!"

“Dottie, get your nose out of your sister’s butt!”

This one is heard pretty much daily at Casa Scarlett.

All of these to the dog:

  1. Stop licking the cat

  2. One of these days that horse is going to kick you clear into the beaver pond, and I’m just going to laugh

…and the one she hears every day…

  1. SHUT UP!

If I won’t pat you when you approach from the left, why do you think that approaching from the right will make any difference???

“Goddamn it Jasmine!”

“No Jasmine, that tuna has ground up pill for Charlie in it, it’s not for you!”

“Charlie, how do you flip your legs over like that?” - this is when he’s standing in the window sill and flips his legs up over his head to turn around.

What you should have said was stop licking the …

I think you get the idea

“Charlie, you are such a CAT!” is something I say almost daily to my husband’s cat. He’s just a stereotypical orange boy, who is easily distracted by Bugs and Shiny Objects.

New one for the new day: “Chill! What’s your malfunction?!?”

Because apparently I’m living in an 80’s movie. :smack:

When my cat kept spitting out his pill:

“You know, this is why your thyroid readings are so high!”

I’m sure he understood every word because after I said it, he swallowed the pill right down.:stuck_out_tongue:

Get OFF the Kitchen counter.

65 pound dogs.

Two of them.

They found where we keep their treats. Love um I do. But sheesssss… Coming down for coffee and seeing your border collie and pointer standing on the kitchen counter is … a bit shocking.

“Get your face out of my water! Go drink your own!”

“You know, I paid a lot of money for your fancy fountain. I don’t appreciate you drinking from the sink.”

Me and the cats have a lot of one-sided arguments about their drinking habits.

“Come eat before Lucy eats it!”

I have to guard the old dog’s food until he gets there, or Lucy the Lab will scarf it down. She’s been better since I called her all kinds of bad dog the last time I caught her. I don’t trust her, though. Pig dog!

“Quit biting your toenails!”

Ernie loves to chew on his toenails, right next to me. I can ignore it for a while, but it gets on my nerves.

“Stop licking your eyeball in front of me!”

…I own two geckos.

Ha! I often say to my mouthy Maine Coon, Cosmo, “Son, what is your major malfunction?” and I’ve never even seen the movie it comes from (Full Metal Jacket?). I’m also fond of “What’s your damage, Heather?”. This morning it was “What is the nature of your complaint, sir?”

“Code Blue! Oh, you pooooor kitties!!” (they won’t eat if they can see one speck of “blue” at the bottom of the food bowl. Doesn’t matter if there’s a pile of food there…if they can see the bottom, they stare at us until we fix the Code Blue).

Chica screams at me. I get up from the comfortable couch and open the front door to let her go outside for a while. Chica stands in the doorway.

“In or out? Chica! In or out? I can’t afford to stand here with the door open, so choose, in or out?”

Chica chooses “out” then screams loudly after I shut the door.I get back up from couch and open door to let Chica back in.
“In or out?”…

“I’m sorry, but you can’t perform that action because you don’t have opposable thumbs. Nice try, though.”