“Stop licking paper. It is not delicious.”
I say, “No lick! No lick!”
It wasn’t today, but recently I said to my dog, “Why are you being Mandalit del Bark-o today?”
“Oh, you poor starving kitties! We never feed you!”
“May I have my arm back, please?” (She loves to lie across my arm, I don’t know why.)
“Yes, I know what your butt looks like, thank you.”
“The lizard on the porch is not an armed intruder about to burst through the door! Dial your mastiff ass DOWN!”
To my cats:
“Stop eating plastic! One of these days you’re going to choke and die and it’ll be your own fault!”
“Stop licking your brother’s butt!”
“You can’t have sink-time because you’ll puke up your dinner, and I don’t want to clean that up.”
“If you’re going to hump that blanket can you NOT do it right in front of the TV?”
Heh. I thought it was just me. I’ve never seen that movie either, but I’ve said that on more than one occasion, particularly to my normally sweet Singapura, Ozzy, who’s become a bully lately with our new kittens.
“No! No no OW!” My dear dog loves to wake me up at 6 AM by stepping on my crotch. She’s also quite skilled at poking her tongue into my ear or nose to rouse me.
When my dog takes a treat from my hand a little too enthusiastically and tooth meets finger: “Please leave my fingers. I’m quite attached to them.”
“Would you like the radio on?”
“Do you need more room in the bed?”
“Are you getting enough to eat?”
We have a new puppy and we’re still in the honeymoon stage.
Actually, it’s been more like “The cat box is not your food dish!” She likes to drink out of the garden hose. That’s fine, except that she doesn’t know one liquid stream from another, as my husband discovered.
Can you please start washing your own damn willy! - to a rabbit with personal hygiene issues
When I had pets, I’d often find myself saying “Excuse me” when I needed to get around them. And in all seriousness to boot! I think that it began with trying to set a good example to the kids.
One of the things that I caught myself doing for a couple of years after the last one was gone was turning around to say goodbye to them when I left the house. 
- Get yer lips offa that!
- This is a WALK, not a cat shit buffet (corollary to #1)
- No dogfights today. I’m not dressed for it.
Two beagles, whose nickname is “Two dogs no brain”.
Couch licker! (to Bubba, my precious schnoodle who constantly, compulsively licks the couch, chair, blankets, etc.)
“Don’t eat so GD fast.”
She sometimes pukes when she eats quickly.
HA! I say all of those things to my cats too, except the sink thing. One of my kitties got very ill and part of the problem was that he wasn’t properly hydrating himself so now I let him drink out of the sink whenever he wants. He will go in the bathroom and meow really loudly sometimes and when he does that I say, “Do not stand in the bathroom and scream like you are dying! The bathroom is supposed to be a quiet place!”
Buy bowls that look like the food? (I was going to say “the same color” but I think cats are colorblind.)
Heidi, you are a huge cat, a heavy cat and the clumsiest cat in the world. I cannot let you climb into my lap while I watch television because I’m not wearing a steel cup, and I fear for the damage you could do to my manly bits, okay?
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River, just because I’m not letting you on the coffee table, it doesn’t mean I don’t love you.
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Oh, Inara, stop whining so much. Your back nails are too long and have to be cut!
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River, you are a little stinker.
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River, you are a huge stinker.
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River, you are so cute.
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River, you are a little smug stinker!!!
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Cade*, don’t be such a sad sack.
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Inara, you are such a nice little gir.
*Cade was named Kaylee to stick with the Firefly theme…then we realied he had a penis and he became Cade(from Cade Foster in First Wave).
“Charlie, I’m gonna sit on you if you don’t move.”
“Charlie, I WILL sit on you, you know.”
Charlie only moves when he feels someone’s butt actually on him.