I think this is key. If the fathers really object, then I think that sitting down and discussing how everyone can work out financially to share the burden of keeping you in the area is obviously a good idea. Not to say you haven’t done this before, I’m just saying…
Anyway, if things can’t work out, then I don’t think a move down to Richmond is unreasonable at all. It’s not that far at all, and would allow the fathers to still see the girls on the weekends like they currently do.
I’ve put off responding to this thread because my “blended” family is so atypical compared to the normal situations of divorced/remarried parents. Stonebow and I have one child of our own and share my older two children with their biological dad and his wife.
My divorce decree specified that I was unable to move out-of-state because that would create an undo hardship on the father’s ability to meet his visitation rights. Keep in mind, I am in Arkansas, so I could have moved five hours away and still been within the parametrs agreed upon by both of us in the divorce settlement. Our custody settlement specified that he had visitation rights every other weekend, half of and spring/fall break, 6 weeks in the summer, and alternate holidays.
My ex-husband moved back to his hometown, and I stayed in the house. The driving time that separated us was 30 minutes. The boys went to stay with him every other weekend. He picked them up and dropped them off at our house (which was his choice). Three years into the divorce, I remarried and got a job more than an hour away. We split the difference, and I moved my family about 45 minutes away from their dad, and I have about a 30 minute commute to work. The older boys’ dad and I switch off picking up and taking for drop off, and sometimes we meet in the middle. We still operate on the very same schedule as before. Occasionally, if my ex and his wife are headed to the city for dinner out during the week, they will drop by and pick up the boys for dinner.
Today, the oldest child lives with his dad, and I see him every other weekend and holidays, and summers. He’s in 8th grade and a small rural school was a better fit for him than the urban district near us. The middle child still lives with me, and we have warped the visitation style so that the two brothers always spend their weekends together, but one weekend is with me, and the next with their dad.
We notify each other of parent/teacher conferences, band concerts, sports games, open houses, school carnivals, and we all get along fairly well.
We’ve never had a dispute over the details of our custody agreement. Our future holds another move in the next 3 years, and we will then be more than an hour away from my ex. I don’t anticipate any trouble, though. We will handle it in the same manner as we have in the past, and meet each other halfway.
If I could make a better life for my children by moving an hour and a half away, I would do it - BUT I don’t live in a metropolitan area, so the thought of a commute doesn’t bother me that much (nor does it bother my ex). My ex-husband, ex’s wife, and I all commute to work more than 30 minutes a day. We don’t see a drive as a hardship.
Sorry for all the anecdotal info, but I thought **mornea ** might like the details of a court-ordered custody/visitation plan.
A small point, but ‘only 90 minutes away’ is somewhat disingenuous: it’s 90 minutes each way. I live 90 minutes by car from my parents and it means that a visit takes the best part of a day.
Talk it up with the fathers, and for the distance I think “90 minutes away” is incomplete information.
90 minutes away on traffic-choked roads, on fast-moving roads, or by train, are three completely different animals.
I can see why you’d want to move; the question is, what’s best for all five people involved? If baby’s dad got that job he’s applied for, would you be willing and able to become “a fisherman’s wife”? Would he be able and willing to behave?
I know families here where the husband and wife just happened to find/have jobs 500km apart (and neither would have had much of a possibility to get something that good if he/she had moved). They’ve had to make all kinds of living arrangements that people would have believed impossible just 30 years ago, but because everybody involved has been willing to bend a little, the relationships hold.
It’s a straight shot down I-95 from NoVa to Richmond. Depending on the time of day traffic can be bad or it can be smooth. Once you get south of Fredericksburg traffic is almost never bad.
Those who do not live in the DC area may not be aware that it is very common for people to commute up 2 hrs (each way) from home to work in this area. Even if the distance is not 120 miles, the traffic is so horrendous it will take that long. A 90 min commute would hardly be considered an out-of-the ordinary daily drive.
Alternately, the train from DC to Richmond takes 2 hrs, costs $30, and depart every 1-2 hrs.
I hope this information offers some perspective. mornea to me this is a no-brainer. Get thee to Richmond! Knowing a LOT of people who grew up in the DC suburbs (I went to William & Mary) I have a low opinion of the area as a place to raise children.
No brainer to me too. If your life is so financially precarious and there’s a way to fix it, fix it.
Just out of interest, how is “only 90 minutes away” disingenuous?
In common usage, the term “X minutes away” is generally understood to mean “It takes X minutes to get there.” When someone tells me that a particular place is X mnutes away, i’m smart enough to realise that, after going there, it will also require X minutes to make the return journey.
Are you suggesting that we adopt a new usage whereby saying that somewhere is “X minutes away” we actually mean that it takes X/2 minutes to get there, and X/2 minutes to get back? If you are, i fear that you are on a fruitless quest.