I’m a single mom of two living in Northern VA. For those of you not familiar with the area - it’s right next to DC and the cost of living here is astronomical for people with a fairly low income. Which is what I have.
There is no way I’ll ever be able to buy a home in this area. The only thing I could own is a tiny one bedroom condo in a not-well-maintained building. The upside to living in this area is the great school my oldest attends, the easy access to everything and the plethora of cultural and extracurricular activities.
But I don’t want to raise my kids in an apartment. I don’t want to give all of my money to landlords and wind up with nothing when I’m old and gray(er). So I’m seriously considering moving to Richmond, VA. If I could find a job earning nearly the same amount - I could easily afford to buy a very nice home in a nice suburb of the city (I like Chesterfield County - having lived there for 5 years in the early part of my adult life.) I’ve perused the want-ads a few times in the past couple weeks and it looks like it wouldn’t be hard at all for me to find a job with a comparable salary and benefits.
The major, major, major drawback is moving my girls away from their dads. The baby’s father and I are still involved* and this would make our relationship a long distance one. Which in all practicality wouldn’t be very different from what we have now, except psychologically (he’s on call all the time and always has lots of little outside jobs aside from his career). My oldest daughter’s dad and I have a great parenting relationship although I can’t stand him and wish he would just drop off the face of the earth. Ironically, moving farther away would mean that if he were to come and visit (and he would), then he’d most likely stay in my house. (yuck - I know, childish. But believe me, my daughter has absolutely no idea of my true feelings for her dad.)
I’m more than willing to drive both kids up to DC/MD at least once a month and to host both of the dads at my home whenever they wanted to visit. Holidays & summer visits, calls, emails - I’d even set up a webcam so that they could see each other during phone calls. And in reality - there would be no real change in the amount of time the oldest & her dad, nor the baby & her dad, would see each other.
So far, the only downside I see to moving is 1) stress on my romantic relationship and 2) moving the oldest away from her friends for the 2nd (and last) time.
What am I missing? If you were the dad in this scenario what would you say? (For the record, neither of them pay more than necessary for child care each month.)
*I have no idea whether he wants to get married or what his long term goals for us are - whenever we discuss it he never gives a satisfactory answer. If he wanted to get married I’d agree, but I can’t wait around forever.
Personally, I would move. You are still close enough that if they want to bother to visit, they can…and you can combine educational/cultural activities with dad visitation when you drive north. The benefit to living in Richmond is having better living conditions, and probably a better chance at improving your own income/job as there isnt quite the same population crush jobhunting the same companies.
As to your babies father…why would he want to bother getting married if he can milk the cow for free? Nothing against you, but what would make a woman want to bear a child outside of a serious relationship [by which I mean a serious degree of commitment involving at least living together in a permanent relationship, wedded or not.] I can see being engaged and breaking up later, but not even living with the guy, and not in a committed relationship? Perhaps his losing his free milk will make him commit one way or the other [but I am afraid he will just probably say to hell with it and get his milk locally leaving you with his progeny and some child support.]
I like Richmond, nice area [and conveniently close to Williamsburg and Washington=)] I lived in Norfolk for a fair amount of time and had friends in Richmond. Good choice of an area to move to=) Though I saw some great houses in the Fanlight[?] district that I would love to live in we are still stuck in Connecticut=(
Speaking as a dad what you are contemplating is really going to put a serious, possibly deadly, crimp in the father’s relationships with their children. Making children more difficult t see is not a good idea if you intend for their fathers to have nuturing relationships. There comes a point of real world separation where the father’s willingness ar ability to be involved becomes compromised beyond repair.
You’re going to do as you will, but don’t try and pretend that moving away isn’t going to seriously fracture and potentially destroy these relationships.
The kids won’t die having been raised in an apartment. Their relationship with their fathers is more important than living in a house. They’ve (apparently) already been moved once. They need stability. Your romantic life and your desire for a house when you’re old is just going to have to take a backseat until they’re grown.
Emails, phone calls, and the occasional weekend visit is not going to substitute for having Dad accessible.
If I were one of the Dads I’d fight like hell to keep them near me.
Richmond is an easy drive from Northern Virginia. 1 1/2 - 2 hours tops. I don’t see the problem. I live in N.Va. and I have known people who would commute to Richmond, or who have had relationships with people in Richmond, and it was never really a problem.
I’m sorry but a 1.5-hour drive is not going to put a “serious, possibly deadly, crimp in the father’s relationships with their children.”
As for the baby’s dad, if it really meant that much to him to have a real relationship with his child, he would marry you. Don’t wait around for him. You already have a child together but he won’t even discuss marriage? Big. Red. Flag.
I think I’ve given too negative a perception about our relationship. We’ve discussed marriage a few times mostly in conjuction with discussions about moving to Grenada (his home country) or Florida. I’ve been against that because I’m hesitant to move my oldest daughter that far away from her father. He isn’t against the idea of marriage, but he hasn’t given me a concrete answer either - and until I get one, I’m not counting on it. Don’t count your eggs before their hatched and all that.
I’ve got to go tend to the baby, but I do have more responses to some of the comments made here. I’d like to say that I was hoping to have a rational discussion about this and not endure disparaging comments about my character. Despite what some of you may think this not a decision I take lightly.
You must have never heard about birth control failure. Way to be judgemental dude. Nothing against you, but I think that people who inflict their unwanted and unasked-for opinions upon others to be assholes.
Mornea, if it’s truly only a 1.5 to 2 hour drive, I don’t see any big deal with it. Plenty of people manage to have excellent relationships with more distance. Sure, kids can be well adjusted anywhere, but if you’re living in a one bedroom with two girls, space and privacy – for all involved – is a big issue.
Had 3 failures, if I was indian [big joke here] and i managed to actually carry all 3 they would have been named Ortho-Novum didnt work, Ortho Novum didnt work and rubber busted, and the third is a pip - tubal Ligation didnt work [I popped up preggers after the scar plug and kink were popped by a lower abdominal infection post surgery to remove a tumor 12 years after the tubal ligation.] so I know all about being that .001% statistic THREE times. And as you can probably now tell, I am not a dude but a dudette=)
Lost the first 2, one at 5 months and one at 7 months, had to have the third aborted because I have serious health issues - my body totally rejects the idea of being pregnant, I turn pre-eclampsic which trashes out my body, the fetus dies and I start getting very ill…with the 7 month stillbirth I was in hospital for 3 months and I almost died.
I’m a woman who grew up with her dad, so I may have a slightly different perspective. For most of my childhood, my mom was ~100 miles away from me.
It’s further than it seems. For example, my mom could never attend any of my athletic events. She only came to band concerts if they were on a weekend, and only if they weren’t too late on a Sunday that she could get home at a decent hour. I only saw her every other weekend (if that often) and for 6 weeks in the summer. I can’t tell from your post, but if the two of you live in the same city, it would probably be possible for your daughters to spend some school nights at their dads’ place.
I would strongly urge you not to do this, or to try to encourage their fathers to move with you. There’s no shame in living in an apartment–millions of children grow up in them. To this day, I am much closer to my father than my mother (though there are other extraneous factors involved). I often wonder what it would’ve been like to have had my mother more available and I looked at children who had both parents nearby with a lot of jealousy.
I agree one hundred percent with Abbie here, and astro too. The superficial trappings of what sort of a house the children are raised in are a drop in the bucket compared with having a dad who is near and present. Astro is right that you’re may want to do what you will, but I’ve seen it happen at least twice and as a practical matter, all other things equal, dad closer=better.
I moved into a much more expensive apartment and neighborhood so I could be two doors away from my kids and my ex. We have joint custody and it made lots of sense. Now she married a Chicago fireman and has to move into the city of Chicago due to his residency requirements. It will probably be only about ten to fifteen minutes away but I am not happy about it, I love being near them, they can run back and forth and I know the neighbors. Of course she wants me to stay here now so I can use my address so the kids can continue to go to Evanston schools, nice
An hour or two away would be a huge problem for me. How could I pick them up for school or see them on weeknights? What if they needed to be picked up from school and she wasn’t available? It sounds like the dads in your case might bot be as involved as I am but still, that far is going to effectivley make him an absentee dad or severely disrupt his life.
I’m not ashamed of living in an apartment. I grew up in a house with a yard and in a decent neighborhood. Our house was the one all the nieghborhood kids came too after school to play video games and just hang out. I’d love to be able to give that to my kids.
We live in a one bedroom apt at the moment. It’s a nice building, not fancy - well maintained, cozy and safe. It costs slightly more than half my net pay. Moving to a two bedroom apt in this building would make it over two thirds of my net pay. I can get a two bedroom for slightly less in a part of the city I’d rather not live in.
First and foremost, your primary responsibility is to provide as intact a home as you possibly can for your children. It doesn’t matter where that home is, but the children’s fathers have to have a daily interaction. How would you like to see your father only on the weekends? (That’s assuming, of course, that your father is not a jerk.)
90 minute drive is too far away. How would you like to live 90 minutes away from your children?
Mornea, I know it seems everyone is jumping on you, but for me, I’m concerned about your children. They don’t care where they live. They want to see their daddies on a regular basis.
Please please please consider establishing a more formal relationship with your baby’s father. Whether it’s marriage or moving in together, you owe it to her.
I can’t believe how negative so many people are being about this. mornea,wanting to advance in your career and own your own home are perfectly reasonable desires. And those are not things that can easily be put off “until the kids are grown”, despite what some might say.
If the kids’ fathers are wishy-washy or absent at this point, then a move would likely affect the time they can see each other. (personally, I think a kid’s better off with no father than an indifferent one, but I realize that’s my own bias) But, if they’re good fathers, and you guys can agree on a visitation plan, then I think you’d be mad not to take the opportunity to do something so positive for yourself. Becoming a mother does not strip you of the right to your own aspirations.
My youngest child’s father and I have as formal a relationship as you can get without being married. As I said before, if he were to offer marriage I would take it. But as you can see the decision is not solely in my hands.
My oldest & her dad have a great relationship - but due to the demands of his job, his new family and her extracurricular activities, they only physically see each other (meaning she spends the weekend at his house) once, maybe twice a month - except for spring break, summer vacation & holidays when she spends as much time as possible there. They talk on the phone almost daily and email each other sometimes. Moving wouldn’t have any impact on the amount of face-to-face time they already have.
The baby sees her dad whenever he has a few minutes to spare - usually once a week for about half an hour. Regrettably she’s usually asleep by the time he comes over - either that or she’s crying. He’s just came back from a 3 week trip to Grenada - helping his family recover from the hurricane that decimated the country. While there he applied for a position with some agency that is coordinating the rebuilding there. If he were to get this position (which I fully support because I know how important it is to him emotionally) he would be away for 6 months to a year.
I care very much about faciliting both of the kids relationship with their fathers. I do everything I can to get them together. But we’ve gotten to a point where this is really starting to hurt my ability to provide for the kids and to improve our financial situation. As it stands - we are literally one paycheck away from homelessness. I can’t save any money living here.
Before anyone says anything - no I can’t get rid of the interent connection - I use that to work from home when one of the kids is sick or school is out. My bills are as cheap as they can get without compromising our health, safety or emotional wellbeing.
It’s not the end of the world if the fathers are 90 minutes away. If the father of the baby isn’t going to step up and make the relationship permanent (whether by marriage or a commitment to be a full-time part of the family), then why should mornea put her own life on hold and hang around in a less-than-ideal situation? It may surprise some people to know this, but being a mother involves (or should involve) more than just acting as a caretaker between fatherly visits.
She has a right to her own ambitions and to have a decent quality of life—and, incidentally, it seems that there would be plenty of benefits for the children in a move to Richmond. Why should mornea and the kids be hostages to where the fathers happen to be?
Tell the fathers that if they’re willing to help you buy a place in the NoVa area, you’ll stick around. Otherwise, make the move that you believe will be best for you and your kids.
