Thirty Second Previews: Apply here!

Jeff Craig’s “Sixty Second Previews” routinely provides advertising quotes based solely on a studio summary or studio promotional materials.

Here at “Thirty Second Previews” we don’t have time for summaries or cast lists. All we want is the title of a movie, and we’ll provide a quick review.

We need writers. To apply, we need a sample review, based solely on the title of a movie. The reveiw should be short enough that it can be quoted in it’s entirety in movie advertising. Any movie, current or past, may be used. To make it a challenge, you must review the movie given by the previous poster.

Here is a sample review:

Traffic: “A lighthearted comedy exploring the foibles of a diverse group of commuters caught in the world’s worst rush hour traffic jam.”

Next review:
“Kiss of the Dragon”

Kiss of the Dragon: “A wonderful educational film of the real threat of bad breath and morning kisses.”

Next up: Legally Blonde. :smiley:

Legally Blonde: “A day in the life of an inspector who certifies that cuffs and collar match”

Next: The Enemy Below

The Enemy Below:

A rare frolic about a clogged sink and a ragtag team of misfits with a plunger and a box of dynamite. This year’s greatest thrill-ride, the ultimate popcorn movie.

Next: Silverfish

Silverfish: Average monster movie fare in which silverfish are mutated to humongous size by a freak pest-control accident and run amock in suburbia.

Next up: The Longest Day

The Longest Day: A thought provoking documentary on the importance of the summer solstice in pagan societies.

Next: Four Weddings and A Funeral

Four Weddings and a Funeral: The newest installment in the riotous Father John [sub]tee hee[/sub] series about the jolly, happy-go-lucky Pastor, who, due to an administrative foul-up, is scheduled to be present at five church-sanctioned events in one day! Hilarity ensues: “I haven’t laughed this hard since last week!” raves Goat Felcher of Roger Ebert and Goat Felcher At the Movies

Next: Rush Hour 2

Darwin: here at Thirty Second Previews, our goal is to get our quotes into advertising as much as possible. I think if we change “Average” to “Spine-tingling”, it has a bit more punch, but still means essentially the same thing. Wouldn’t want to interfere with your artistic integrity, though, so I’ll leave the choice up to you.

Dr. Lao: Excellent use of the compound adjective. Advertisers love those!

Rush Hour 2: “Fast food employees have to face the ultimate horror of serving lunch rush, but this time, they’re out of ketchup!”

Next: The Unbearable Lightness of Being

Oops…I misread the title…I read “Thirty Second Reviews”!

Terribly sorry…allow me to amend my Preview as follows:

Gut-wrenchingly frightening! You will gasp in terror as blood-thirsty silverfish, made humongous by a freak pest-control accident and bent on revenge for years of posioning, run amock in modern-day suburbia!

I don’t know if jumping back is allowed, but I would think “The Enemy Below” would deal with one man’s severe hatred of performing oral sex.

The Unbearble Lightness of Being: A heart-warming tale about the everyday struggles of a family of weather balloons.

Next: A Fish Called Wanda

A Fish Called Wanda: A heart-warming tale of one fish’s journey upstream to spawn. Bring your kleenex, this one’s a tear jerker.

Now showing:

Like Water for Chocolate

Like Water for Chocolate: Awardwinning, groundbreaking documentary following a chemist’s lonely quest to save a few bucks on Valentine’s day.

Top Gun.

Darwin: That’s the idea! We want people to think that these are actual reviews, but without actually claiming that they are, just like Jeff Craig. We want the name “Thirty Second Previews” to become synonymous with enthusiastic support for the mediocre. Good movies have legitimate critics to supply them with quotes. I can see “Thirty Second Previews” as a sydicated morning program airing alongside “The Birthday Guy”. Sigh! I can dream, can’t I?

Top Gun: “Thrilling docudrama tracing Charlton Heston’s rise from overrated actor to president of the NRA.”

Oops.

Next: The Magnificent Seven

The Magnificent Seven: Heart-wrenching drama detailing the day-to-day experiences of the Seven Dwarves and the woman who told them it was OK to be different.

Next up: The Sixth Day

The Magnificent Seven: This heart-pounding sequel to Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs will have you on the edge of your seat!!! These little guys are truly magnificent!!!
Next up: The Doors

The Sixth Day: A real-time view into the life of slacker college students!

The Doors: An artistic film detailing life at a doormaking factory, told from the viewpoint of the product being produced!

Next up: Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure

**Bill And Ted’s Excellent Adventure

Watch the hilarious hijinks of a nerdy Seattle billionaire and his swaggering Atlanta billionaire sidekick. When a software glitch causes million-dollar paychecks to be sent to Little Leaguers, the fun is just beginning. A delightful romp!
Coming Attraction: My Dinner With André

My Dinner With André: A truly eager, exciting indie film detailing Steffi Graf’s real life quest to bed a fellow Tennis star. Racy, Raunchy, and Real!

Next week: Debbie Does Dallas