This really isn't an unreasonable thing to be upset with an SO about? Is it?

In My Humble Opinion
41

Yep, the answers in this thread are kinda what I figured.

The hardest thing about this is that he’s a really great guy, or at least appears to be. He knows my husband and I are a little short on money at the end of the month, so around then, he’ll ask me what I need, go to the store and pick it up, and refuse all offers to pay him back. He and his wife will offer to take me and Leo to an early dinner, or to the playground at the mall, when they can see that we are just desperate to get out of the house.
I genuinely like this guy and he genuinely likes me. He’s my buddy. So it kinda sucks all around. Although I have no personal investment in whether or not he was ever in the Military, I hate that he and Wife are feeling this way at the moment. I’m not really sure what Wife plans on doing from here on. I know she confronted him, as did another friend who is also (?) a veteran, and he assured them both that if they wanted to see Military records, he could produce them. He tried to tell me, and I cut him off, telling him that I was not his wife, and therefore was happy to take him at his word.
If he was really never in, and he knows that, why is he so insistent on showing everyone Military records? Can you fake those?

42

I guess you could fake anything, but why? Bluffing? If she asks to see them or if she compares them to real records, will he blame her for not trusting him? It is tough to accuse someone of misdeeds like this without proof, it is like accusing someone of an affair. If you are right, then you can’t trust him, if you are wrong, you didn’t trust them in the first place or you wouldn’t have made the accusation.

Did he have an answer for why his mom did not know he served?

Is there any way of finding this out definitively without his knowing? An online database or from a government office or something?

43

It’s easy to fake something if your target doesn’t know what the real thing looks like. If his own parents say there’s no way he spent six months secretly in the military, it’s a dead cinch he’s bluffing

44

I’d think the effort required to realistically fake military records would be even more than the six month stint he’s lying about.

If it is just this one enormous lie and he’s otherwise a good person AND he’s willing to go into counseling, I can see trying to make things work. I could also see his wife insisting that he actually consider joining the military, either active or reserve, so he can discover what he’s been missing out on. Whatever kind of deficit he has that he feels the need to cover for it by spinning this story, he’s going to have to address it before anything else can be solved.

45

Probably just another example of the mentality that got him into this fix in the first place. “I’ll just tell another little lie to get them off my back – with luck, I will never get called on it. And if I do get called on it – well, let’s cross that bridge when we reach it.”

46

This seems to be a need a lot of guys have. The desire to validate themselves with some sort of military service … even if they never really got around to doing it. There are a number of sites that debunk people claiming to be Seals, Special service, medal of honor recipients and just plan vets. I find it hard to believe anyone could bring themselves to tell such a lie, much less pull it off year after year until they come to believe it themselves, but apparently a lot of guys do. Who’s going to check up on a something like this? One of us wussy guys that never saw service?

It must be heady stuff to find that others suddenly believe whatever you say because you have “experience” and it seems a lot of guys let the lie get out of control.

So, my call is that this is just plan old puffing one’s self up. Sure it’s a crappy lie, and one the guy seems to be defining himself with, but not such an unusual - out there - kind of lie. Not worthy of divorce.

47

[quote=“ShelliBean, post:27, topic:466801”]

Ah, so my ex-husband is married again? :slight_smile:

QUOTE]

Wow, You’re not my daughter are you? :DThis sounds exactly like her Ex. And yes, that is why they broke up.

48

There is no chance he is telling the truth. His parents and apparently best friend at the time know nothing about it. Records are easily faked, if you know just a little about what one looked like. How long ago was it? It used to be, you had to be in longer than that to get into Ranger training, but that may have changed. (I looked at an army web site, and it did state they were now taking civilians for special forces.)

I just spent several hours on a plane with a guy talking about his harrowing first trip to Iraq, and how much better it is now. Of course, he was wearing a uniform and traveling with about 50 other guys in the same uniform, all of whom were coming back from Iraq.

Odds are he told a lie to get the girl. And then once he got her, it was impossible to back out of, so he is has been living it big in order to cover. But how do you know? How does his wife know? He could be a pathological liar, or worse. Torie, how do you know he is basically a good guy who likes to help out, or someone who wants to get into your pants, but good enough at reading people to know now is not the time? Definitely counseling time at the least. Since he hasn’t fessed up, I’d say break up time - for both Wife and you.

49

The definitive document would be a DD-214 form (‘Discharge Papers’), which reports everything from his induction, basic training, all duty stations, and discharge, with dates for everything.

But this can only be obtained by the veteran himself, or by the next-of-kin of a deceased veteran. They are not online, but are mostly paper documents stored in a big warehouse in St. Louis, MO.

If he was actually in the service, he should be able to show his wife his DD-214. If he says he’s lost it, he should be able to get a copy from his county clerk’s office (they are supposed to file a copy there when returning from service), or he can request one from St. Louis via a SF-180 form. It takes less than 2 weeks for 90+% of them, and a recent service hitch like this should easily fall into that group. If he refuses to do this, or finds reasons to put this off, that’s something else for the wife to consider.

If he did injure his knee as he says, this would be a service-connected injury, and he would likely be eligible for free treatment, drugs, etc. at a VA hospital, so he should apply. His wife may be eligible for some future benefits, too, so she should encourage him to apply.

P.S. Somehow, the timeline here doesn’t seem to add up. Initial processing & basic training usually takes about 2 months, then they are sent to their first assignment. Servicemen are not selected for Ranger Training right away, but generally later on.

I don’t see how there would be time for him to have been processed, complete basic training, be selected for Ranger Training, get started on that training, injure his knee, get medically evaluated as unable to serve in any capacity, and then be processed for discharge, all within six months. That sounds fishy to me.

50

Does he at least walk with a limp?

51

It’s amazing what some guys will do to impress a woman.

When I was in school, I knew this guy Lester. He was forming a band. He wanted to take us into the recording studio and cut a record. He already had made one, and he even showed it to us. He had some other original songs that he wanted to record. We laid down the track beds for something like 4 songs, to the tune of something like $120/hour of studio time.

Except it was all a lie. All of his songs were stolen. His record was someone else’s, and he just had new labels printed up for it. It was all very elaborate, and it involved about ten people over the course of months. And it was all to impress a girl. Needless to say, when he got caught out, she was less than impressed.

52

I’m sure he played it like it was done to impress a girl, but the truth is that these folks are just unmotivated losers who feel like life owes them something. They make up these fantabulous backstories to make themselves feel good, they put a lot of effort into keeping them up, and they won’t ever admit that it’s all a lie until they are backed all the way up against the wall.

Yeah, I’m not bitter .

53

From induction what is the typical timeline/path to Ranger training (assuming you qualify)

54

This makes me think of that news story a couple of years ago. A wife turned up missing, and after a lot of searching and questioning, it turned out she was murdered by her husband. He had been lying to her throughout their relationship, telling her he was a medical student, and then telling her he had been accepted into some big prestigious medical school. IIRC, they even moved close to that medical school. At some point, of course, he had to admit that none of it was true. She became upset and threatened to leave him, so he killed her.

Anyone remember that story? Not that I’m suggesting that the husband who’s the subject of this thread is that bad, but it did remind me of the perils of lying to get the girl.

55

teela brown, I believe you’re talking, specifically about the Lori and Mark Hacking case.

I’m not sure whether I’m pleased or horrified that I can remember the name of that “missing white girl” of the week story.

56

Yes, my Dad was in the Army from 1941 thru 1947. Decorated, Disabled* (both minor). He would tell lots of stories about the bad food, sadistic DI’s, and the jokes they played on each other. Combat? Not so much. You had to get him in the right mood and a little drunk and even then he wouldn’t say much unless he could make it a little funny.

He told a very funny story about needing to grow a 3rd arm: Seems like he’d have to drive dispatches and order to the front. So he piled in a jeep with a couple/three guys, all with SMGs. Now, in the Jungle,you never wear your helmet unless you’re actually being shot at (Dad said “your head would rot”). They’d drive through the jungle, until a “Jap sniper” would open fire. So- Dad would push the petal to the metal and the jeep would start bouncing. The other guys would try to do three things at once-
1.fire off whole clips into the jungle- hoping to spoil the snipers aim,
2. hold on to the Jeep and
3.put their helmets on.

He said they all tried real hard to grow an extra arm right about then. Three arms. It’s funny until you can also see how scary that’d be. If you fell out- you’re dead, if you slowed down- you’re dead, if you can’t spoil his aim- you’re dead. But the way he told it we were laughing so hard it wasn’t 'til later I realized how scary that’d be.

  • and yes, he had plenty of paper work, some benefits and even a small check every month to prove it. If this guy doesn’t…:dubious:
57

I remember it. And when I was figuring out that my husband was probably a pathological liar it scared the shit out of me.

The scary thing is, if he called me right now and I talked to him for 30 minutes alone he could probably convince me that I am the crazy one. After a conversation with him I have to take a few minutes to wash the crazy off.

PS i I just wantt osay that jut because I am calling him a pathological liar doesn’t mean he is one. I also called him sociopathic before. But he’s never been evaluated or anything like that. There is no official diagnosis. This is just me talking and throwing around terms like I am qualified to do it.

58

  1. I agree that it is a big deal.

  2. I would take up his offer of proof. He should have the chance to explain things.

  3. I knew a guy who was in the SAS (elite UK military). He never spoke about it.
    Then I saw a book with his name in. It turns out he had gone on dangerous missions in the Russian zone (when Germany was divided after WW2).
    Although Western observers were allowed to study civilian installations in the East, he tried to gather information on the Soviet military presence. In turn the Russians tried to kill him by ‘road accidents’ etc.
    When I showed him the book, he still didn’t boast about his achievements.

59

I don’t know; for me, the problem wouldn’t be the lie so much as the loss of trust and feeling like I married someone I don’t actually know. I don’t know if I would go directly to a divorce lawyer, but it would be a major problem in our marriage. So much of a marriage is based on trust; I trust my husband to not bring STDs home, I trust that he goes to work every day when he says he goes to work, he trusts that I’m not fooling around with the mailman when I’m at home all day; if you take that bedrock out of a marriage, I don’t know what you have left.

60

Not trying to excuse the guys behaviour but I’m pretty sure I read somewhere that compulsive lying is a common side affect of victims of sexual abuse as children.

I may be grasping at straws here but it’s something to think about.
If this were the case I’d sympathize with the guy as long as he’s willing to get counseling.