I smell a New Mafia Theme!
Are you questioning your new gig? 
So, I guess there would be some questions asked of the victim as to whether it was grand theft penis or just petty theft.
If your penis hasn’t been stolen yet, you can always use it to pee into a gas tank. Of course, the entire incident is caught on video, including the police who happen to drive by on bicycles. The idiot decides to piss off and run, only to be caught (off camera).
They can have my penis when they take it from my cold dead hands!
…wait a minute, that doesn’t sound right… 
Gives a whole new meaning to Warren Zevon’s lyrics: