This week's (kind of sad) lesson: kill your procrastination habits while you still have most of your marbles

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I’ve just spent the last fortnight in Spain. My mum lives here with her partner. They’re both getting on in years now - he’s quite physically infirm, she’s got early stage Alzheimer’s, which at the moment is manifesting as pretty severe short term memory loss.

They’ve kind of painted themselves into a corner, and a significant part of the problem, at this precise moment in time, stems from habits; specifically mañana - “it’s OK - I’ll do that later”.

The dogs have peed in the (tiled floor) yard. It’s ok, I’ll clean it up later.
There’s some food spilt on the floor. It’s ok I’ll clear it up in a moment.
The bin is overflowing and there are flies everywhere. It’s ok, I’ll empty it a bit later.

Everything is like that and even when it accumulates to what ought to be an intolerable level of mess and filth, if “I’ll clean that up in a moment” is your default response to any cleaning task, and you lack the capacity to remember to actually do the thing that little bit later, it never gets done.

The solution is probably just to get some help, but that’s also nearly impossible to make happen when any and every conversation we try to start, reboots after about 60 seconds - it turns into:

But why do I need to get a cleaner?

Because there’s a literal lake of dried dog piss in the yard.

No there isn’t. Show me.

{Points to the mess}

Oh that, yeah, I can clean that up. I’ll do it later.

But why not just get in some help with the cleaning?

What for? I can do the cleaning.

Because of the mess in the yard, for one thing.

What mess?

And so on.

It’s going to escalate to a crisis pretty soon, because I live a thousand miles away and even if I was here every couple of weeks, which I can’t do, it wouldn’t be enough

Everything that has a beginning has an end, but I am left with the distinct feeling that this situation wouldn’t be so close to its unhappy conclusion, were it not for that little mental habit of “I’ll do that later”.

2

It would be nice if you could find someone who can check in on them periodically (when you aren’t around) to make sure these kinds of things get taken care of promptly. If there is a cost involved, you may have to burden that cost. This kind of procrastination can be more common in older people living on their own. Finding someone who is willing and able to step in for you is one of the best things you can do to protect their health and well being.

3

We’ve got a few of those sorts of options in place, but a lot of this is just their determination to continue living the independent expat life that they’ve had for the past 25 years.

There’s a lot of denial at play and assertion that every incident is just an exception - and things will get back to normal soon.

Reality is, it never quite gets back to how it was - it’s ratcheting a little worse every time anything happens.

4

So much sympathy going your way. This is such a hard thing to deal with, because

it doesn’t get better, it only gets worse. The progress of time is a cruel mistress, or whatever.

Later has got to be hard. I’ve got the opposite. With my Dad the problem is something has to happen now. I’ll get 4 or 5 voice mails in the middle of the work day that are all, “I’ve got a huge problem, and I could really use your help right now, please call me back.” The problem is he received a post card about an extended car warranty.

Even when the problem is real, like a letter from the state tax office that requires a response in 90 days, I’m not canceling my plans to go read the letter just because your accountant hasn’t returned your phone call after 20 minutes.

No advice, because I’m sure you already know what needs to be done. Just again, sympathy with how hard it is to actually do it.

I know that as I age my physical and mental capacities will diminish. I just hope that when they do, I am able to recognize it and adjust my behavior and expectations accordingly.

5

My wife and I have resolved to never inflict this on our own kids. We’re working on plans now that will ensure we just get moved into suitably and appropriately caring places when the necessity arises.

6

My mother is now 91 and starting to lose her short term memory as well.

My sister lives with her and takes care of her, but it’s really hard.

My mother wants to be babied but my sister can’t handle that.

Getting old sucks.

7

I swear I’m going to the doctor tomorrow. Or maybe the next day.

8

:scream: shocking!!

9

That’s one of the more alarming facets of this situation:

Time to take your pills.
Oh, OK, I’ll do it in a moment…
Why don’t I get them for you so you can take them now?
It’s OK, I’ll do it later. I won’t forget.

10

What happens if you just bring the pills and a glass of water? By the time you got back, she’d probably have forgotten that she’d had that conversation with you.

Of course, that only would work when you’re there, assuming it works then. So not a real solution.

I assume that if your next line was, “yes, you will forget, dammit! You’ve got early-stage Alzheimer’s and your short-term memory is totally fucked!” that her response would continue along the same lines, so no point in that either, no matter how tempting it must be to say that.

I remember my mother going through the loss of short-term memory in her declining years. I’d take her out to dinner at her favorite restaurant, and I could tell her the same stories a few times during the same meal, and they’d be new to her each time. And the intervals needed between repetitions gradually got shorter, from 20 minutes to 15 minutes to 12, etc. Fortunately her second husband had left her enough money to cover a full-time caregiver.

11

I don’t believe there’s any way to fix this. It is unfortunately, terminal. There seems no cure for this once it begins.
For those on the ‘elder care’ side, it’s so much more profitable to allow this downward slide to linger. The goal being that all of the victims, including the family helpers personal wealth is drained. It’s easy for those with all the profits to control the narrative. That seems easy enough to see.
From what I’ve witnessed, the victims with the terminal ‘marble loss’, no matter how forgetful or procrastinating or whatever else they become, still have many lucid moments. They know what’s happening to them, but only once in awhile. You can bet they don’t like it. The result of this occasional lucidity seems to present itself as some form of denial, or anger or a “God’s will” sort of “Oh well, it is what it is” and those types will be nicer to those around them as they slowly wilt towards an all but brainless death.
Then there’s the issue of why are wee so compelled to let it happen to them in the first place? What’s the real reason? Why can’t we let them go? I don’t mean the very common response to just ignore them while they slowly die in some understaffed institution while they’re lying in bed unclean for hours after pooping themselves and/or yelling at the nurses to ‘Let my dog in!’
Is that how you want your life to end?

12

I know nothing about human services in Spain, so I have to ask. Is there a way to get them full assisted living? It appears that they are in dire need of it.

13

This is what I’m wondering, too. What’s going to happen when you’re not there? I don’t know where you live, but I’m assuming you don’t live close. This is an accident(s) waiting to happen. Elderly parents are hard. Within the past two years, my husband and I both lost our mothers. They both, fortunately, lived only a few miles away. We were able to help for a while, but at a certain point, for their safety, they had to be moved to assisted living facilities. Then there were two houses to empty and sell. I’m fortunate to have a sister, an aunt, and other family members who also live in the area, so we were able to join forces on all fronts. My husband is an only child, so it was all on us. It’s sad, frustrating, heartbreaking, and a lot of work. I empathize with you. Good luck.

14

Yeah, that turns out to be the best option for a lot of things. Just present them as a thing that’s happening right now.

On a couple of occasions, my temper did get the better of me (nothing quite so harsh as the above, but she was just randomly taking very perishable things out of the fridge and leaving them here and there (including on the table, in the sunshine). I spoke more sternly than I probably should have; she cried because she had no idea why I was being so mean. I suppose it’s a blessing that two minutes later the whole incident was forgotten and she was confused about why her eyes were wet.

15

It’s possible, but they are against it. If it was just my mum refusing, she could be declared to have lost capacity and we could, I think, invoke the power of attorney that is prepared, however, her partner, though physically very infirm, is still sufficiently mentally competent that he could (and probably would) challenge this and reject it.

We can’t move them to suitable care until either they’ve both lost mental capacity, or until he agrees, and he very much does not agree. He doesn’t have a better idea, but is dead against the only good idea.

It’s going to come to a crisis. I live in Southern England, they live in Southern Spain. With luck and a fair wind, I can drop everything and get there in about 24 hours, but luck won’t always be fair and 24 hours is a long time when something bad is happening.
And even if this happens, their expectation is: I’ll parachute in, fix the crisis, and things will return to normal.

16

We convinced my dad to move 10 minutes away for this same reason. (Coincidentally, Southern England to Southern Spain is very roughly the same distance as Denver to Central Texas.)

One of the bigger issues is he is a terrible judge of what is actually a crisis. This cuts both ways, he might forget about something important, or suddenly decide he’s going to stop taking whatever medication; then he’ll perseverate on some minor issue and call me and my brother dozens of times, until it’s resolved or he forgets about it. Recent example, where is the box with his fishing reels (he is not fishing anytime soon).

I get the pathological procrastination, because I live with a 13 year old, and as I mentioned the opposite is really stressful, too. Everything has to happen this very moment. He’s just moved into a new apartment, so we’ve been putting stuff away. It is impossible to focus on a single task, because everywhere you look is something else to do.

Example, we’re trying to leave to get lunch. He picks something up, “where does this go?” so I constantly am repeating your Mom’s line “we’ll deal with that later.” This combined with his “I need to sit down,” but does not go and sit down. “Put this up there,” but he does not hand me the thing or get out of the way so I can put it up there. “This is too heavy for me,” but he continues to try and lift it.

I finally realized it was like someone wrote an exaggerated parody of how he behaved 40 years ago when I was a kid living at home. He always had a habit of taking things from me because I “wasn’t doing it right,” and then getting upset because he’d wonder why he was doing my job. Or assigning me a task, and then doing it himself, but it was very important I stood there and watched him do it. Those were the worst days, usually it was just typical parent trying to get a kid to do chores type stuff.

17

OMG, you’re living my life! That’s my mom since my dad passed in Feb. Her short-term memory is absolute shit and I’m SO VERY TIRED of repeating myself. I already do at home since my husband never listens to me :rofl: and it’s so exhausting. Plus, her standing in my way when I go over to help, the “when are we putting the condo on the market” (Idk, mom, when the realtor says it’s ready?) “How fast do you think it will sell?” (Idk, mom, how the eff would I know??) “Oh, no, I didn’t get my X out of the condo!” (Yes, you did. The condo is empty. I’ve said this 6 times.) I know she can’t help it and I’m trying SO HARD to be patient and kind but once in a while I show my exasperation. It’s rough!