Places such as ours have optional assisted living, but not 24-hour, and if it gets too problematic, their relatives (or spouse) are asked to find them a facility that can give them 24 hour care.
I’m so sorry. I’ve been relieved several times this past week that my Mom was the one who died first. Mom had Alzheimer’s and it was getting worse. Neither parent was particularly unhealthy, although both had mobility issues. But age in place has worked as well as it has, because they’ve had me living with them.
Counts blessings, quietly, and not for the first time, that Mom’s final decline was as swift as it was and that Hospice was available when we needed it.
(My mom died this past week. Unexpectedly, and yet not. There were clear signs of deterioration that we kept hoping were just individual bad days, even though the evidence was against us.)
Today’s development: the Spanish social worker visited him in hospital and convinced him that the best thing he could do is to move back to England and get into residential care - since he is likely to pass away before my mum and if they were both in a Spanish care home, that would leave her alone and surrounded by people she can’t communicate with (although depending on the progress of the dementia that might be a moot point). They seem to have accepted it; he is due to be discharged from hospital on Monday on this understanding, but there is a chance he’s just complying in order to get out of the hospital and get back to his (unsuitable) Spanish home, then maybe he’ll refuse to do any of what he agreed to. We shall see…
I’m sorry to hear. My own mom was hit with early-onset Alzheimer at a young age (she in her mid 50’s and me in my early 30’s) and I’ve had to take care of her 24/7 since. I might be decades younger then you, but please take this advice from someone who has the experience here. TAKE FULL CONTROL. Do it now!
Do not let things …just happen. Your strength here is that you can plan ahead. You REALLY need to be her guardian. She might still seem fine, but she needs help. Get legal guardianship/power of attorney, make sure she is always (at 100% percent of the time) with someone who is trained to handle things when she gets confused, or agitated, or angry. People with this condition have the habit of just wandering off into the wilderness/bush. You need to make sure this cannot happen. Also spend as much time with her as you can. Talk with her. I, personally, miss my mom’s soft voice.
Oh, I only read the first post and might have missed all the important things after. Will read to catch up (perhaps my advice is not helpful and you’ve already gotten past this)
Good luck. Having him/them in residential care in England sounds great, but oof, the transitions. Around here (U.S.) I’ve been told you really ought to get on waiting lists for the good places a couple of years before you need care. We didn’t, and were “lucky” Mom never really needed more care than Dad and I could provide until the last week of her life.
Pro-tip for people whose elders (or other loved ones) go into Hospice-- if they are restless but not really awake? They probably are in pain.
@Eureka, I’m so sorry to hear that. How fortunate that your mom had you close.
So he was discharged on the Monday from hospital, medically cured of his infection, but because he hadn’t been eating the hospital food, or drinking enough, or making any attempt to move or even get out of bed, he was very weak and almost immobile.
Back at home, he sat in his chair, then wanted to be virtually carried to bed, then back to the chair etc. every attempt to get him to eat or drink was brushed off saying he didnt feel up to it but give him a couple of days and he’d be better (yeah, without eating or drinking or moving).
Turns out that he was finding it too difficult to walk to the toilet so he was avoiding food and drink for that reason.
On wednesday we went out to get supplies and some more mobility aids, when we got back, he was sitting in a pile of his own waste, asking to be hoisted up because he was in pain. We said we’re taking you to hospital, he said leave it until the morning or the day after, but also he was moaning and pleading about pain and discomfort.
We took him to the emergency department of the local clinic, they initially scolded us saying this was not an emergency, then they checked his BP, which was 54/32 (ie ‘about to expire’). They put him on saline snd rushed him to the main hospital in an ambulannce. He has infections again.
Yesterday (Friday) he was stable and moved to a regular hospital ward and seemed better, and eas making a show of actually eating some of his food.
I think he thinks we’re going to do that all again. We’re not. When he is discharged from hospital this time, both he and my mum are going jnto a care home (we found a really lovely one run by Franciscan nuns). Neither of them will be at all happy about this, but it has to happen. He cant come back to this place - the infection risk is just too high (the first thing that happened last time he came home was one of the dogs licking his wounds and dressings and nobody did anything to stop them until i intervened).
I’ve now been here for a total of over six weeks going around this nonsense loop. My sister and i are both running short of our own essential medications and the upper limit of my stay here is 90 days without getting a visa.
If he absolutely violently refuses to go into the care home, we’re going to have to walk away from this mess, knowing it will end really badly and that we will not be able to parachute back in to fix it next time.
You have my profound sympathies, @Mangetout. I hope it all goes as well as it can.
I’m so so sooo sorry to hear how traumatic this all is to you and your family. I have some horror stories myself (stubborn ill father who’s illness and willful self-neglect led us to daily trauma and him to multiple amputations and worse).
You are doing great. You are a GREAT son to both your father and mum.
What a nightmare. I’m so sorry.
My parents are selfish too but not nearly to that extent.
There is no fucking way that I am going to be a burden to anyone. I don’t have kids but I told my niece and nephew that if they unanimously tell me that I need to do anything, I will comply without argument.
Yes doing the best one can and your folks know it too.
It’s nerve wracking and so frustrating waiting for the other shoe to drop and it will.
When my dad was in a nursing home we realized how frail my mom was on her own, and tried to set up meals and housekeeping for her as we all lived far away. She sabotaged all our efforts and insisted my dad could come home and she would care for him. When my dad actually got better, walking and gained weight as my mom was basically starving them both, he realized there was no going home again. This man with some dementia wearing depends signed himself out of the facility to tour an assisted living place with me. He asked good questions and made an impact on the Director. Afterwards we stopped at the house to see my mom who refused to take the tour with us, and my dad sat down and told her that it would be a good place for them both. I knew the battle was won, Mom would follow him anywhere and she did. Finally they were safe and together. They had maybe three years of adventures in the home together. Both died with 2 weeks of each other.
What a blessing. I hope my mom and stepdad eventually accept the facts. As it happens, today is my mom’s 88th birthday and I’m about to visit her. Stepdad is almost 93. They are doing quite well.
This is something you could look into now, just with a few phone calls, most likely resulting in curators saying “send us photos and we’ll let you know.” If there is any interest you can make plans now, deal with the transfer when you’re ready, and leave instructions for your executor if it comes to that.
My mother died in her home with 4-5 original paintings that SHE thought were exceptional (which is great - she and my dad were the ones who looked at them every day). I did call a couple of museums, they asked for photos, and ultimately said no (in a nice way - “they don’t fit with the theme of our collections”).
The point is, based on my experience you’ll probably get a decent reception if you reach out.
I have thought of that. It’s just a matter of doing it. The trouble with most of this art is that it is specific to areas of the US that aren’t here, especially art relating to Native Americans of the west and Alaska. I have one large piece that was carved from fossilized whalebone by an Alaskan artist. Nobody at indigenous art galleries in Portland were interested. I would suspect that the same would likely apply here in MN for art that originated on the west coast (except for one piece that I think they may jump at).
I’m so sorry. I don’t have any advise, as it sounds like you are handling this better than I could. I was lucky that my mom accepted that she needed help, and we never had to force the issue. She ended up hiring a full time aide instead of moving to assisted living, because she could afford that and was cogent enough to make that kind of choice. My sister pays the bills, i took her to medical appointments and filled her oil boxes every week (the aide made sure she took them) and my brothers handled her investments. Splitting it up was both good and bad, but basically worked.
Best wishes to you and your family.
Aww, that’s a shame, but perhaps not surprising.
Going through this right now with my parents (divorced). We’ve gotten my Dad through two downsizings, and I think he is actually in pretty good shape as far as what’s left. At her prompting, we’re working on my Mom now. Unlike my Dad, she really does want to downsize, so usually the friction is getting her to slow down a bit (“I want to get rid of this box of phone chargers, also, where can I get a phone charger to put by the couch?”).
They both have art, but none of it worth large amounts of money. Anything that has a Crate & Barrel, etc. tag on it either gets trashed or donated. Some of it may have value, and I’m happy for a charitable thrift store to reap that value. I know that stuff is not an heirloom or too special.
Lots of it is original or signed limited edition prints. That stuff I really don’t know what to do with. As far as I know, none of it is worth thousands, but some is worth hundreds. A limited edition print by an artist famous for making clown figurines? $300 or maybe $0. Lots of my Mom’s stuff is from people she knows who may be the kind of professional artist who sell stuff, but it’s really just a way to support a hobby. Or maybe not, rich people in Santa Fe buy it.
Some of it just has weird stories. One painting had an artist’s name and date, but I couldn’t find any information on the artist. My Mom told me it was painted by my Dad’s Boss’s wife and they bought it at a charity auction in the 70s, because the artist felt bad nobody was bidding on it. That explains why the painting is bad, but not why it was hanging on a wall 50 years later.
I don’t think that is terrible. If your kids do the leg work of selling it, then it will go to a home where someone wants it and appreciates it. That’s assuming none is valuable to the point of being forever unseen in a warehouse in Switzerland.
The problem for me is when the value is too high to just donate it, but too low for me to bother to do the work of selling it.
My mother did, too.
First, the children went though and tagged stuff they wanted to keep. We had a few disputes, but not many. And now we all have nice art to remember her (and my grandmother, the source of a lot of it) from. We didn’t try to determine the value of those items. My sister liked a Picasso vase that might be valuable (we didn’t know). It’s now on her mantlepiece. I have a painting of a port in the rain that might be valuable. I also have a caricature of my father, drawn at some corporate event, that certainly isn’t valuable. But i like it.
Then, most of the rest went to an auction house. Some of it sold for more than we expected (the silver) and some for less (the ugly sketch by Henry Moore). Whatever. It went to people who wanted it more than we did, and we got some cash. The one exception is that my mom had about 20 paintings by the same artist (Edna Hibel). That was tricky. They’d once been valuable, but the people who bought them were mostly the same age as my mom, and were dying off, and the value was dropping. The guy who auctioned the rest of her art said that putting it all on the market at once would depress the price. A friend of the real estate agent offered me a few grand for all of them, and i accepted. She put them all up for auction at once, and got back less than she’d paid me. Oh well.
I hadn’t thought about an auction house. It might come to that, although I doubt my wife will want to part with any of it.