I hate to say it, but this is where a 12-step program would have done you some good. By wondering if you [by your actions] have encouraged your kids to magnify their recollections of how bad it may have been, you are still living in the fable of where you were, it would seem this is the engine that drives your continued sobriety. Many people who quit, end up doing a lot of work on themselves, and end up mending the wreckage of the past. If one just quits, the emotional freight train that was masked by the booze is simply just sitting their idle, waiting. Not knowing what work you have done I can’t comment on where you are on this continuum. My sense from knowing you here for quite a while is that your intellectual side has a good handle on your will. But then, I can only hope you are not white-knucking it every time you are around people drinking. After 6-years, I doubt you are.
There are a lot of questions here Dinsdale, a lot of unknowns. I’d talk with your wife and include her, unless that is out of the question- permanently.
Give yourself a very very strict limit and NEVER deviate from it. Say, 3 drinks when out with friends and not a drop more. You’ll never be a jerk, hungover, or broke as a result…
It’s a shame to throw away the very enjoyable aspects of a pint of beer on a sunny day or a lovely glass of wine with dinner.
Although, given you had problems previously…tough one…
If I were to remove wine from my diet, it would put the kibosh on any nice meal ever ordered at a restaurant—sorry, but it’s true. A glass of water just doesn’t cut it and toasting with orange juice instead of champagne for a special occasion—embarrassing…
Dins - I can’t speak to the drinking, although I don’t think it’s a great idea. But I know you were talking years ago about getting a divorce when your kids were in college. Your relationship with your wife has mostly been one of mutual convenience for a long time. Your wife is controlling (I remember the big blowout with your oldest daughter because she was wearing the wrong color sweatshirt. Your wife refused to go the family get together with her because she wouldn’t change her shirt). Things seem to have been better between you two the last few years, maybe because you weren’t drinking, but I think at some point you have to weigh whether the mostly painless inertia of your marriage is more valuable than the movement to something that might make you less miserable.
I’d talk to your kids. They seem very level-headed. Ask them what they recall from your drinking years. And ask them how they feel about your relationship with your wife.
I hope whatever path you take makes you happy. And not drunk.
StG
Not gonna get into all my problems with AA - at least for me.
Not sure where things are going to go with my wife. Most of the time things are pretty good. We do make an exceptional team in many respects. And then every once in a while things just blow up. My perception is that she almost seems to pick fights. I won’t try to explain here and now what I undertand to be her perception.
I’ve got reasonably low expectations, and highly value comfort and predicatability. So I’m fine with just kinda coasting. But when the shit hits the fan I’ve got no problem heading right to "I don’t need to deal with this shit, and I don’t want to deal with it."
I think our last huge blow-up was just before NYs. So one every 3.5 months? Sounds about right. Maybe what keeps me from actually walking out that door is that it would be more of a hassle to deal with everything involved in splitting up, than to periodically weather these storms. And as I’ve said, I’m not exactly a cheery person anyway, so I’ve got no reason to believe I’d necessarily be measurably happier afterwards…
Dinsdale, I have been reading your posts for a long time, and I have noticed that you have made many, many references to divorce (some in jest, some clearly serious) over the years—I have to say that this is pretty unusual for the vast majority of married people I am in contact with. Divorce is not a constant refrain (even in a joking manner) with just about anyone I have ever known. It is a subject that is usually only discussed if there are serious problems in the marriage, and even then it’s not casually tossed around…
Drinking is your call, but I want you to know I really hope whatever you decide, that you and your wife, (either together as a couple or not) can find some peace and happiness.
Agreed, MPB. A big blow-up every 3.5 months would make my life miserable (and if you and your wife were fighting this much with your kids around, they weren’t enjoying it, either). You say you and your wife are good together in some ways, and I don’t get the sense that there’s nothing there to salvage, but it doesn’t sound like either of you are getting your needs met at this point. Are you and your wife open to doing some couple’s counselling, to see if you can’t patch some of your weak points up?
Thanks all.
I really wish my marriage were something different than what it is - and has been for some time. But I started this thread about one thing and really don’t feel like turningit (more than it already has turned) into about my marriage in general.
Seriously, I appreciate all your input.
look at all the fun you are missing by not drinking:
(# of one-time problem users who successfully resume using in moderation) ÷ (# of users who *attempt *to return to moderate use) = x.
100 - x = y.
Anecdotally, y > x, and it’s not all that close. So, looking at it objectively, to the best of your knowledge, the odds are against you. I’m not saying it can’t be done, just that most people fail at it, and everyone who failed thought, as you do, that they could succeed. So, looking at it objectively, you should acknowledge that the odds are against you.
Now, if you decide that returning to your prior level of drinking is an acceptable outcome, then go for it. If you’re happier (and at least passably functional) with heavy drinking, then I’m not certainly going to tell you that you shouldn’t drink heavily.
I like you Dins. Always have. And I agree with VarlosZ. And I watched my sister go from being a functional alcoholic to a non-functional alcoholic. Really don’t want to see you in the same boat.
Play the odds. Drinking is nice, I enjoy it - it isn’t so nice that its worth wreaking my life or my body over.
Humm - well, no one can answer if you should drink or not but you; however, I’ll share my experiences 'cus why the hell not.
I don’t drink particularly and haven’t since I was about 20 or so. I always react VERY negatively when I hear someone bragging about getting drunk, or how much they’re going to drink on the weekend or whatever, and I never really thought about why but for some reason I have been lately.
So, here’s my story - when I was a kid, my dad was a heavy drinker. Very heavy. However, he was a delightful drunk. He would laugh and tell stories and fall out of bed, and run over the neighbour’s shrubs when driving home. He was the life of the party. Everybody loved having him at their get togethers.
He was also very successful at his career. He retired from the military as a colonel with many honours. He was promoted quickly and appropriately. He has a graduate degree and is well respected in his field (well, he’s been retired for a while, but back in the day). He’s quite shy and would drink to loosen up at parties, be a bit more relaxed when out for dinner with friends, etc.
When I was 12 he dropped dead while at work. Literally clinically dead. He had perforated an ulcer and totally bled out through his mouth and bum. He was rushed to the hospital (which was close) and had emergency surgery. Followed by more emergency surgery. Followed by more emergency surgery. He received 16 pints of blood in about the first 25 minutes of being there - they kept pumping it in and he kept bleeding it out. The Dr. couldn’t find where he was bleeding from for the longest time - they had to start using partially frozen blood because they ran out of the regular stuff. That may have saved his brain, as he had a blood pressure of 0 for over 8 minutes. Amazingly, he got better. He was in the hospital for about 4 months. When he finally got out he had quit drinking at his Dr’s request and has never drank since.
Now, this isn’t meant to be a scare story, although I suppose it could be - dad’s issue was directly attributable to heavy drinking, although he was also a high achiever and somewhat uptight, type A sort of guy which didn’t help things at all.
This is more about how I felt as an 12 year old - I was really happy that this happened to him (well, not at the time, but after) because he quit drinking. His behaviour became totally predictable. He may not have been the happy-go-lucky drunk anymore, but he never had a hangover either. My brother and I got to quit tiptoeing around on Saturday and Sunday mornings because he had a ‘headache’. My mom was more relaxed about stuff (she’s still kind of a stress case, but it was less). So really, my dad’s dying was the highlight of my childhood because old, freaky, laughs at stupid stuff and then acts like a dick dad was gone and perfectly normal dad arrived.
So - what’s my point? Well - talk to your kids about this. To this day my dad doesn’t think his drinking was much of a social issue - just an unlucky health break as far as he’s concerned. He’s wrong - it’s not fun to have a drunk dad, even if he’s a fun drunk.
When I stopped drinking I wrote a long letter to myself, outlining the reasons I needed to quit…the damage it was doing, the risks I was taking with other people’s lives, even little things like “it’s making me fat”.
I put it in an envelope, wrote “READ THIS FIRST” on the outside and promised myself if I ever decided to take a drink I would…“read this first”.
I’ve only looked at a few times in 17 years but it is still in my bedside table.
I know you can’t use this suggestion now…anyway your mind is made up. Maybe the next time you quit you can try this.