Here is a test of this relationship: If you picked out something she does that you really preferred she not do and told her you would divorce her immediately if she didn’t quit doing it, how do you think she would react?
It might be useful for the OP to remove the issue of other people’s druthers in his decision. Getting his issue all tangled up with other people’s will make the decision more complicated.
It isn’t uncommon for people with drinking problems to feel compelled to drink just to prove to others that they can. It’s almost as though one has dishonored himself by not being able to drink “like a man.”
People sometimes relate their drinking or not drinking to other people. For example, think of how often in an angry moment, you might hear someone say something like, “After dealing with that person I need a drink.”
Whether we use alcohol or not is totally dependent on our own choices and not in any way connected to others’ behavior or attitudes.
He can free himself from feelings of being controlled by others if he makes his most informed health decisions based on what he thinks is best for himself.
Then hopefully he makes the choice designed to bring him the most health and success in life, whatever that may be. His choice.
That’s kinda tough, because there isn’t anything she does that bothers me that much - other than when she bugs me about things.
This a.m. the fight was about my car - 62 Corvair. I had to fight her tooth and nail to buy that $2500 car. At one point she said “You’re choosing the car over me?” I said, “No, I’d just as soon have both. Sounds like you are making that choice,”
In the 6 months I have had that car, I could not have imagined how much joy it has given me on an ongoing basis. If I’d known how cheap and fun it would be, I would’ve bought it a decade ago!
She says her concerns are that it is “not safe.” No question, it is less safe than any modern car. But I’m still going to drive it. It has seat belts, and is is primo operating shape. If I get clobbered while in it, undoubtedly I’ll get more injured/killed than in a newer car. To me, the enjoyment makes that small risk worthwhile.
The fight this a.m. she started asking me about Nader’s concerns about the suspension. I posted in a “Corvair” thread my reasons for thinking/knowing that Nader was full of shit. As much as I’ve enjoyed the car, I didn’t want to have to keep defending it as long as I owned it. And she ended up saying she doesn’t want any of the kids ever driving/riding in it. My son has said how much he looked forward to working on it with me over the summer.
So yeah - there is an element of control. And of course, she vehemently denies that she is controlling.
Buy, I really don’t think that is it. I really think it is that I REALLY love the taste of beer, gin, and wine, and I like the effect of a mild buzz. Impressing anyone else really doesn’t enter into much of anything that I do.
Hummm, seems to me you have already made your choice and are just peeing upwind right now.
Said you did not care about AA and others could talk about it if they wished and then you called it crap.
The calls to look at yourself honestly is the major point being pushed and I add to that call. I don’t think you are being honest judging from the words you have posted.
I have a long time friend who still thinks I am not an alcoholic. It does not matter because even if I were not, I still like the life style of being in Recovery from alcoholism. Do not need to be an alcoholic to decide to live without drinking.
Those that call names and try to get you to drink are not good people. Why would you listen or care what they say?
But, your problem is in your own head and trying to say that this is for sometime later and you just want opinions is a load of BS.
Seen too much, been to too many funerals, listened to many and saw the results. There are just enough people to get away with it to always be a temptation to the millions who will die if they try.
Good luck, I feel you are going to need it… 
Ok so I take it you drive alone in the Corvaiir?
Well the deed is done and she needs to let that go as long as the life insurance is paid up. 
My spouse called me a fussbudget this weeked because I and serious reservations about takin our newly acquired 1974 vw bus to Lowes. it was just because the front seats are not bolted down, i said I would ride in the back seat. Instead he took the eldest child with him and she rode in the unbolted front seat. :rolleyes: Also second gear is grind city without dbl clutching her, other than it is a safe and comfortable ride.
Or tell Her about our james dean roadster with the vanity plate RIP JD. My fucking initials:rolleyes:
Yeah. So I let my guy have his freakin toys, and his beer and his one ball.
I’m kinda curious. Have you never thought about whether you might wish to change something about yourself? Not necessarily drinking - any habit, practice, activity… Doesn’t such a process of self analysis have to begin at some particular time?
I’m not sure why it is entirely unbelievable that I very recently began wondering whether my self-imposed sobriety was necessarily a lifetime thing or whether it could ever be changed - if not now at some time in the near or far future.
And I refuse to accept that when I’ve asked for honest input - as I’ve done here - that I’m merely seeking confirmation of my preformed opinion.
But, when you ask for input, you takes what you gets! 
100% of the time we go anywhere together we go in her car.
Now she apparently wants to say that if she is out somewhere with her car, I cannot take my kids anywhere or lend them my car (after they learn to drive stick.)
And all the seats are bolted down, thank you!
[quote=“Dinsdale, post:1, topic:535947”]
- I’m extremely unlikely to restart at any time in the near future, as my wife’s reaction was “I’d divorce you.” (Unless of course, I decide I want a divorce. In which case I need only pick up a 6-pack!)
[QUOTE]
Given this response, I’d say you must still be in a bit of denial about how bad it was. Many people manage to drink heavily, remain employed, and avoid DUIs, etc. They are still losing out on actually living their lives; and noone wants to be married to a stinky zombie. (Yes, it’s true, if you drank heavily, you stank.) (stunk?) You only get so many Saturdays in your life - if watching your wife move out while you chemically numb your emotions is how you want to spend the next one, you’ve got trouble!
What is going on in your life that you’d like to detach from? What are you trying to ignore? Or are you maybe one of those people who only lets themselves cry when they’re drunk? Is there something you need to let out, and you need help to overcome the inhibitions? Are you just stressed out, and drink is the only springboard you know for relaxation under the circumstances?
These are all just guesses, please ignore anything which is not useful.
Sounds to me like booze is the least of your problems at the moment. One thing to consider is that if you’re going to get these problems clearly identified and dealt with, assuming that’s what you’d like to do, them booze would literally cloud the issue. If you and your spouse are headed towards counseling or possibly separation/divorce, then it would be better your wife can’t avoid any of the real issues by simply saying “he’s a drunk!” It would also be better for you, during the process of getting to the bottom of the issues between you and your spouse, to be able to honestly say to yourself, “I’m not drinking booze, so anyone who tries to blame anything on that, is full of shit.”
You won’t be able to say that, if you’re drinking, whether it’s truly part of the problem or not. There will always be that nagging suspicion in the back of your mind “I wonder if they’re right?”
Well in another thread, I’m asking travel advice WRT our upcoming 25th anniversary. Maybe that should be a target day by which we either celebrate our 25th or get divorced!
How’s that for romantic?
I think you need to educate your wife on the realities of just how dangerous driving is (42,636 US Americans killed in 2005 in car crashes); the fact that you’re driving a Corvair is the least of your problems. The real problem is every other basically untrained driver out there.
Yeah - that’s pretty much my opinion. Doesn’t mean I want to have to keep trying to reconvince her that this car isn’t a death trap.
In my opinion, my wife and I have plenty of problems. And big obvious things like a car - or my history of drinking - all to often get complained about instead of the far more mundane BS that is really bugging her.
I may be an asshole in any number of ways. But I think just about every one of my current faults has been present in one form or another for several decades. You know, she’s not perfect either. At this point I’m not expecting her to change who she is…
Sure. You’d be bummed. But would you just deal or would have that glass of wine even if you knew you were potentially fucking up your life?
If you woke up tomorrow and found you’d developed a fatal strawberry allergy - would you cope or would you tell yourself that maybe you could handle just a bite or two, in moderation?
If you eat the strawberry, even though it might kill you - you have a strawberry problem.
Tell your wife that she’s driving you to drink.
So am I reading this correctly? You are saying that it isn’t important to you to prove to anyone that you can drink without causing any problems?
I think that if you start drinking again it will be a very, very bad idea.
Its easy to kid ourselves that this time we’re going to drink moderately and responsibly,and we’ll no doubt do that for a couple of days, and then its back to the old routine.
I think that any real pleasure that you get from drinking again will be short lived and more then compensated for by the problems and unhappiness you get as a result.
Getting drunk enough to puke and piss yourself is not trivial, even if it doesn’t happen every single time you drink.
I don’t think so - but I acknowledge I may be fooling myself and not know it.
I do not believe I quit to “prove anything” to anyone. (Note that I distinguish “proving anything” from “improving my marital relationship”) And I always feel somewhat embarrassed when people (often) compliment me on not drinking. Always seems weird - prove yourself to be a fuck-up, and then get credit for simply not continuing to be (quite as much of) a fuck-up!
As far as I can tell, I quit when I did because I was convinced that that was the best thing for me. What I wanted. (Also reflecting my wife’s wishes, and acknowledging our marital dynamic.)
Well, I also had 3 teen/pre-teen kids at the time. So I wanted to “set a good example” for them - as I do with most aspects of my life. But of course I would have preferred not drinking to excess in the first place! And now I’m wondering if by quitting, I have encouraged them to magnify their recollections how bad it might have been, and think that I must have been this sloppy lush constantly endangering them when they were young.
Amen.
The whole car debacle I remember from several months back really bugged me; she didn’t even want it in the driveway at one point because it would be unsightly and wouldn’t match the other cars in your 'burb, IIRC. That’s not even something where we’re only getting one side of the story, that’s just classic signs of being controlling and manipulative.
Sounds like thinking about drinking is a symptom of the greater illness at hand. I wish you luck, but it sounds like you two have little in common anymore and worse - that she’s stopped appreciating how much you provide and care for her and the kids. It’s the diametric opposite of what’s happening to my parents, who are all “WOOOOOO! NO KIDS SOON, WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” getting all giddy looking for their retirement condo in Florida, etc.
I’m getting flashbacks to Arnie’s mother in the Stephen King novel Christine…