Thoughts from the Kitchen: Racinchikki Makes Lunch

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
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So what do I want for lunch? My foster sister keeps pestering me for bapes. What in God’s name is a bape? What is she talking about???

Oh, GRAPES. Damn speech impediments. She wants GRAPES. Grapes I can do. Here, have some bapes.

But what should I have? Macaroni and cheese? We have some sliced ham in the fridge. I could make a sandwich. Oooh, what’s that? Looks like leftover Chicken Divan! Eww eww eww it’s gone over badly. I’m pretty sure the cheese sauce shouldnt’ be that color. I’ll put it back and somebody else can throw it out later.

Ew.

What’s your problem, child? Your bape has a boo boo? How does a grape get a booboo? Oh, I see, you dropped it. No, I will NOT kiss the grape and make it better. Just eat the darn thing!

Maybe I can make a grilled cheese sandwich. No, wait, we’re out of bread. Damn. I should probably go to the store and buy some more. But then I’d have to bring the child. She has to leave for school in half an hour. Nope. No store. No bread.

I wonder how much trouble I’d get in if I were to start hitting the sauce at eleven in the morning. I’ve never had Royal Velvet. No, I bet I’d get hanged for it… better put it back. And we’re out of grenadine, so I can’t even console myself with a shirley temple.

I guess that leaves macaroni and cheese. I wish we had actual food in this kitchen. If I had a million dollars, we wouldn’t have to eat Kraft dinner…

Where’s the saucepan? I have to boil water. Saucepan? Saaaauuuucepaaaaaaan, where’d you goooooooo? Oh, there it is. Why isn’t it hanging on the pot rack with everything else? It’s dirty. Dammit. Have to wash it now.

Ouch ouch ouch scalding water scalding water ouch ouch ouch!

There, that’s better. This soap smells like oranges. Reminds me of the Testor’s glue I use on my car models. Mmmm… glue… Ok, this pot’s clean enough. Water. Heat. Check. Now we wait.

DO NOT PUT THE GRAPES IN THE HEAT REGISTER!

Stop licking the sofa!

DO NOT PUT THE GRAPES IN THE DOG’S ANUS!

That’s it, no more bapes for YOU, child. They can go right in the kitchen. Why would you want to put a grape up a dog’s butt, anyway? That’s disturbing.

Ok, water’s boiling. Noodle time. Timer for ten minutes and let’s make sure the child stays away from the ends of dogs while I wait for my lunch.

Wow, ten minutes isn’t that much time, is it? Let’s drain the noodles -

OW!!! JESUS CHRIST ON A CRACK-ADDICTED CANADIAN EMU!!! HOLY FRICKIN CRAP! OWOWOWOWOWOWOWOW!

Next time, I’ll use the seive with the long handle, so I can’t pour the boiling water on my hands.

Didn’t spill the noodles! Now I can just add milk and cheese sauce and butter-- we’re out of butter. Dammit. Can you use shortening? It works in cookie recipes… I have a butter churn! Dont’ have any milk to make butter with, though. I don’t think it works with 2%. There’s gotta be some margarine in here somewhere. Ok, great, found a third of a stick, that’s not really enough but it’ll do. There.

LUNCH HAS BEEN MADE!!!

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Dang… I can’t wait for the sequel: Supper!

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You know…I was diggin’ on the mac and cheese thing until shortening came up. Thank god you found margerine instead.

And no…I don’t think I’d want grapes in my anus either.

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Poor widdle chikkiboo…at least you finally found something. I’m having tortilla chips for lunch.

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No, no, no Gunslinger. No tortilla chips.

I find myself wondering if Racinchikki can be trusted with any hard foods with pointy edges (I’m guessing he/she may well put out an eye). No, it’s strictly soft, non-choking hazard type foods for the time bieng. Maybe we can eventually trust him/her with a stalk of celery, but not today.

And while I’m at it I think I need to confiscate your shoelaces for your own safety…

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Sure, Inky-, blame me for the fact that my foster sister puts grapes up dog-butts and my mom hasn’t gone grocery shopping in a week and half. Be that way. :stuck_out_tongue: The only reason I posted this is because I was very, very bored.

Oh, and I’m a her. Hence racinchikki – you know, like “chick”.

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Just a couple things racinchikki

  1. When were you in my back yard
  2. How did you get past the fence, guard dogs and moat
  3. You should come by Thursdays, that’s when St. Peter does his weekly ride about on our Mesc crazed Tierra-del-fuegian Monster Rat
    Upham
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Ah.

I thought it might be related to “MonChichi” which means “Stuffed toy monkey with it’s thumb stuck in it’s mouth”.

Actually, I bet that joke is a little before you time.

Now, are you going to hand over those shoelaces before somebody gets hurt?

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tee hee hee

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This is a philosophy that has gotten me through some of my most troubling times.

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Now there’s a SIG line waiting to happen! :smiley:

Where’s that guy who need a SIG? Hello?

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Actually, I’m thinking this is an even funnier possible Sig.

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Glad the tortilla chips are out of the question. At least the dog is safe for now. And I’m not so sure about the celery stalks either.

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JavaMaven1
Take what you will, the important thing is still what, exactly, racinchikki was doing with my emu riding Jesus.
Upham

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This line deserves to be etched in stone and held up as the one modern rule that is, in fact, etched in stone.

This line would sound best coming from a Catholic religous official. Just this line, shouted loudly from outside everyone else’s field of vision, followed by the sound of various objects falling. Just imagine it as a Monty Python sketch.

That is all. Pointless post is over.

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Racinchikki, sweetie, let me tell you about Mac and Cheese. It’s like $4 for a six-pack, and all you do is put the packet of noodles in a bowl or soup cup, nuke it for a few minutes, then stir in cheese. That stuff kept me fed for an entire year of college.

While I’m sharing my cooking knowledge, let me also mention that if you leave the cheese-rimmed bowl or soup cup for longer than a few weeks without washing it, you’re gonna have to buy new dishes. And don’t ever fall for the “5 for $5 Mexican Microwave Dinner” deals. I’m still suffering flashbacks. And the Brownie mix that comes with its own cardboard pan is highly flammable.

One more thing: if you ever add the wrong ingredient to a recipe, just start over or forget about it. Otherwise, your Italian Wedding Ravioli with White Grapes and Rum ends up being Italian Wedding Paste Doused in Rum-and-Water. I learned the same night that sometimes it’s better to just order Chinese, or else on your six-month anniversary you end up watching your boyfriend choke down rum paste with albino grapes in it.

Ah, what I learned during my brief tenure as an adult.