Ah, the never ending roll—just keeps going round and round. Smart! 
You spin me right round baby now going through my head!
They call me sticky fingers.
Oh, bless your poor innocent heart. When I was taking a wilderness course at the National Outdoor Leadership School, for whom the principle of “minimum impact” is foundational, my coursemates and I spent a month camping in the Wyoming Rockies using smooth stones or handfuls of snow. (Big handfuls, mind.) Both made perfectly acceptable bumwipes.
The neck of a goose is supposed to be best.
I’ve used dry leaves when in the woods. They aren’t very absorbent, and so might be worse than rough paper in Russia.
Bears feel differently about this subject.
Do they?
Smart. But sticky.
There have been previous threads about the size of toilet paper rolls. Outside of dollar stores, even the cheapest rolls claim to be at least double sized, claiming 6 rolls = 12, or 12 rolls = 24 or 36 or 72. This seems to be mainly puffery. Perhaps fluffery. Paper towels also have the same imaginative expansion. Is there any other product that does this?. You don’t see, say, a chocolate bar advertised as being equivalent to four snack sized; but the king ones might be 1.5…
This seens like the most brazen rip-off since “the heat index”. It’s 80 degrees. But it feels like 100. You can’t do that in a date. It’s a hamburger, but it “feels like” filet mignon. It’s my trailer. But it “feels like” a double wide. It’s four inches.
New advertisements show toilet paper with a scalloped edge, like a sine wave, instead of a horizontal edge which occasionally rips unevenly. Anyone care deeply enough about this tragedy to pay more? Are you brand loyal?
This is something I almost always buy on sale. The fanciest one which is cheap. Sometimes “Velour”. Is that like velvet? Or, since someone mentioned luxury rabbit, velveteen?
During Covid, supplies dwindled and humanity showed its heart of darkness with hoarding and high prices. Have you increased your supply? What items will be rare next during the next pandemic? Did you witness any bathroom tissue brawls? Did you start one?
I did see one guy yelling loudly at some woman who had recruited her big family to bogart the last twelve packages.
What is the next euphemistic name for this product, when the idea of referring to the bathroom becomes gauche? Or maybe in the other direction, like buttcrack deodorant (advertised on radio)… will society choose a more vulgar and direct name, and what?
I’m going with “Area Tissue” or “Cleanup in Aisle Two”. Or “Sigmoid Flowd”.
I know a guy who, after having his baby, manswiped the wet wipes to substitute for having a bidet. Probably flushed them too. So not surprised that ManWipes found a market. But seriously? Cheap dollar store packages too stigmatic for you? You could probably sell a mandouche if it smelt like steak and barbecue sauce and was named Arctic Expedition.
You could also call it Power Force Zeus.
Do you know anyone who pays extra for weird colours, political patterns or unusual features? Would you? What “pattern” would you like the most, as a form of self expression?
What about a roll with random trivia questions? Or “Snapple Facts”? I’d pay extra for “Bazooka Joe,” which would also be a good name for mandouche or toilet paper scent.
Isn’t quilting kind of a generous word for some vague pattern?
Yes. Yes it is.
Like razor blades, when is five ply coming out? Is this better than one ply - that is, do you carefully use each square or just grab a bunch?
Some guy reading this has already started to market five ply.
What, no scented toilet paper? (See mandouche.). I suggest lavender, which anyone can enjoy.
Don’t baby wipes smell like something? People here don’t like scents. But I think “buttered popcorn” sales would explode.
Paper towels often allow you to “choose a size” for small spills. Is there a market for a similar variation for people who don’t eat anything that casts a shadow?
This would only work if you made the squares bigger. 1=2.
What is the best brand? The best mascot?
Velveteen. “Feels like” real rabbit.
Why do the bears in TP commercials, enjoying the go, and obsessively snuggling soft tissue, sometimes change in colour from blue to brown? Is this how they know when it’s time to go? How useful would such a device be for your baby?
They are brown when on a blue background, during Toronto Raptors games. I think the colour reflects team performance.
I remember getting a paper cut from using splintery hostel paper one vacation. Stuff had visible splinters and roughness. What is the worst product you’ve used, either poor quality or emergency equivalent?
It’s bad when you can buy toilet paper “by grit number”. Like cheap napkins, the non-absorbent stuff would not work well.
If you were marketing toilet paper, what slogan would you use? Would it be better than “enjoy the go” or “feel the cottony softness”?
“Madge, you’re soaking in it.”
“Be all that you can be.”
“Visit the Grand Canyon.”
“Softer than your brother-in-law”
“Get the Velveteen Habbit”.
“Cleans the crack, or money back”.
“The finest satin for your shatten”.
“Soft as kittens, when you’re…”
“Feels like chamois”
Probably because they can’t catch a goose.
Who knew? Geese, the shittiest bird ever and their necks make good toilet wipes.
Life is just full of paradoxes.
Hey I’m road broke…I can drip dry with the best of them. As far as #2. Well, you do what you gotta do. But at home I’ll take my triple ply, mid-level priced TP. And be fresh as a daisy. 
A bear and a rabbit are taking a dump out in the woods. The bear asks the rabbit “Do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?”. The rabbit is insulted by this rude question and answers indignantly “No!”. So the bear grabs the rabbit and wipes his ass with it.
That’s seriously funny 
I installed a bidet in one bathroom during COVID. I’ve now added one to the other bathrooms.
I am reliably informed by the internet, a goose is more effective.
That site is SFW, but it describes the book it is reviewing as “Written in the 16th century by a French monk, it still somehow manages to be cruder than an entire season of South Park.” So be warned.
Unfortunately I cannot find a short YouTube clip, but there is a delightful example in Kustarica’s film Black Cat, White Cat.
The whole movie is worth a watch.
ETA: ninja’d quite a few hours ago by @GaryM
During COVID when toilet paper supplies were a concern, my gf asked me how we were doing tp wise. I took her to my bathroom, opened the sauna door (I use my sauna for storage) and showed her two cases of Sam’s Club toilet paper.
The only things I routinely buy at Sam’s Club are toilet paper, paper towels, and ziplock bags. That’s been my thing for many years.
You haven’t really wiped until you’ve wiped with 6 week old Persian kittens 
And due to their self-cleaning nature, they’re reusable!
I’d like to urge you to go ahead and get a regular room-temperature bidet. It’s easy to install and use, and I can assure you that a warm or hot water one is unnecessary. It’s not like shooting a stream of ice water against your nethers.
I kinda wish I’d just installed one when I moved into my apartment a year ago, instead of asking if it would be permitted (I grasp the reason why they said it wasn’t, but I’d have been willing to take the risks of a catastrophic failure).
ETA: @Beckdawrek, go ahead and get one. They’re not expensive, and don’t require an engineering degree to install. You’ll thank yourself later (you’ll still need a small amount of TP in the house for drying purposes).