My wife is the thrifty type, and picks up the 1000 sheet Scottissue toilet paper. The stuff is single-ply sandpaper, so I plan on picking up a roll this week to show her what REAL toilet paper should feel like.
What is the absolute best toilet paper? Cost is no object!
Charmin Ultra is the best hands down.
You probably won’t believe me when I tell you that new Cushy™-brand bathroom tissue is the softest, most absorbent bathroom tissue you’ll ever try. Heck, I was skeptical at first, too!
Even after learning about Cushy’s™ specially quilted “Moistu-Weave” inlay, I still thought, “Come on! How much better could one bathroom tissue be than another?” But once you’ve felt for
yourself the heavenly sensation of a folded-up wad of Cushy™ sliding across your excrement-smeared anus, you’re sure to agree: Cushy™ is the most luxurious tissue you’ll ever wipe your ass
with!
Wow! When it comes to getting your rectal opening clean as a whistle, removing every last trace of stinking, disgusting fecal matter from the puckered surface of the human anus, Cushy™
just can't be beat! Its patented, three-ply "Feces-Grabbing Action" has been specially designed by scientists to wipe away 30 percent more human dung from the anal region than the leading
brand--even in those problem "hairy" areas where tiny balls of shit can get trapped for days! When it comes to making sure my asshole's been wiped right, I trust Cushy™. As the commercial
says, “With Cushy™, I Know My Ass Is Clean!®”
And Cushy™ is more than just the most absorbent product ever designed, manufactured, and marketed for the purpose of wiping human waste from the rectal region; it's also the softest. I can't believe
how good it feels pressed up against my asshole! Sure, I thought the leading brand was good, but after trying Cushy™, I could scarcely believe the difference! Compared to the sumptuous comfort of Cushy™,
the leading brand feels like a portable electric belt-sander grinding my ass down to a chafed and bloody pulp! Wiping with Cushy™, on the other hand, feels as if the defecation residue between my legs is
being spirited away on the back of a pillowy-soft cartoon cloud! It’s enough to make a person open up a window and shout to the world, “Shit, I Love This Ass-Paper!®”
Cushy™ goes the extra mile to make sure my anus feels pampered like a dainty princess. That's because Cushy™'s not just about getting your ass free of shit particles. It's about treating your entire
backside to a feeling of cushiony goodness. It’s what the good folks at Global Tetrahedron Forestries, manufacturers of Cushy™, like to call “T.A.C.”–Total Asshole Comfort.™ Doesn’t your asshole deserve
a little T.A.C.?
Your anal region, from your ass cheeks to your dilated sphincter to the interior of your anal column itself, works hard for you each day. Isn't it time you gave a little something back? With Cushy™, my
asshole feels as if it’s being gently wafted skyward on a freshly scented summer breeze! Try getting that level of comfort from those bargain brands!
Do the other brands offer patented three-ply quilted comfort? Are they lightly perfumed and softened with soothing aloe-based moisturizing lotions? Do they offer Cushy™'s exclusive "Complete Asshole
Guarantee®"? Of course not. Whether you’ve got a thin, runny liquid, a huge, bulky chunk, or even one of those hard-to-wipe, viscous-sludge-type defecations, Cushy™ not only has the absorbency needed to
wipe your ass completely free of sticky, after-shit smears and stains; it’s gentle enough to make your puckered butthole feel like the King of Siam, reclining on a mound of the finest silk pillows in all of Asia.
Sure, Cushy™ costs a bit more than less ass-pampering brands, but my ass is worth it! Cushy™ is so soft, sometimes I want to take a shit even when I don't have to! Once you've seen for yourself how
wonderful, how majestic, how truly awe-inspiring this new bathroom tissue is, you’ll know why people say, “Cushy™… You’re Gonna Shit Your Pants!©”
http://www.theonion.com/onion3616/new_toilet_paper.html
Copyright Onion Inc, all right reserved.
–Tim
Your wife is a GENIUS, dahlink!! Single-ply Scottissue is the BEST. The stuff is expensive, but because there’s so many yards in a roll it’s a good choice. Plus, I have NEVER plugged up my potty with Scottissue; I can’t say the same for others. Charmin in particular, while very soft, plugs up the potty like crazy.
I know that many people don’t agree with me (my hubby for one!) but I am rather partial to the Kleenex tissue with the ripples. I love that stuff! Seems to clean better than any other kind! I despise that other John Wayne toilet paper!
I used Scot TP once. Once was enough. Once was morethan enough.
(And I reallydon’t understand women who like it.)
I like any Charmin type. Cottonelle is pretty good, too. I’ve never tried the Kleenex TP, but their tissues are fine.
I like that, too, and one reason is that although it’s soft and nice and cleans really well, it also comes in something that is not a double-roll. Seems double-rolls are all you can find lately and they won’t fit my tissue holder, which is permanently attached to the wall. Oh, yeah, and hubby likes it, too.
Well, if cost is really no object, how about a stack of terrycloth towels? I bet that would feel good. Bit hard to flush, though.
[hijack]
Charmin Ultra had to be withdrawn from sale temporarily in the UK, as it was found to be so absorbent that it didn’t flush properly and was clogging up pipes.
[/hijack]
Look slyth you may not like but but there is no need to me nam… oh you weren’t talking to me, uh never mind then , bye.
I like Charmin btw.
Have you ever heard that tag line on those toilet paper TV commercials??..Kitten Soft?
Well…they got that from me…I use kittens.
They’re very soft…and playful.
Baglady is right – your wife’s a genius, and a treasure. She is putting the good of the family (budget and plumbing) in front of the comfort of her behind.
We recently switched to Scott. If it’s scratchy, you’re wiping too hard. Try folding it in layers instead of wadding it up in a ball. And take it easy.
And we’re putting on a new roll about once a week instead of every other day.
My vote’s for Scott.
Graeme? You should be ashamed of yourself. (Chuckle.)
Blasted sticking keyboard, and blasted poster who was in such a hurry she didn’t check her post before she hit submit. That should have read
Look slythe you may not like me , but but there is no need to call me names… oh you weren’t talking to me, uh never mind then , bye.
And just to be sure there are no misunderstandings, let me add 
Thank you.
–Both Baglady and mattk have touched on a subject city governments have known for years. My Dad was Mayor of a small town back in the 60’s trust me on this one. Clogged sewer lines indicated a wealthy area of town. The bargain tissue would disintegrate in the pipes and everything flowed well. The super soft tissue with cold cream (at twice the price) would gunk up the works and you’d have to get a crew out there to unjam it.
It always seemed to happen around 2 in the morning.
Around the 3 household, the debate between the Scott stuff and the Good Stuff has escalated to such heights that we had to institute a policy of keeping stocked on both varieties. Mrs. 3 hates to change the roll so frequently, while I prefer a comfortable experience and not to have the paper tear.
Then one day while I was shaving, she needed to use the restroom. As we have only a single bathroom, and as I was not occupying the toilet, she proceeded to do her thing, and I was able to see first-hand her technique (on my roll, I might add, since we were out of the Other Stuff). Her technique seems to involve stripping at high speed about a yard of tissue from the roll, then applying it to the dampened area. I tried to explain rationally to her that I perceived this technique to be evolved from years of use of the Other Stuff (and therefore a dramatic overuse of the more absorbent Good Stuff), which requires the use of a yard of paper to absorb any meaningful quantity of liquid, and that her roll-changing could be diminished by simply using only the necessary amount of the Good Stuff.
She refused to accept this argument on the grounds that I am not equipped with the same urethral arrangement she is, and that I am somehow therefore full of baloney and also know not what I am speaking of.
Yet how can it be debated that the Good Stuff is more absorbent than the Other Stuff? Saying nothing of its tear-resistance and its comfort, it just seems to me that Mrs. 3 was, in this case, horribly closed-minded.
The 3 household continues, for the time being, as a dual-roll household.
Shame on you, Homer. I laughed so hard when I was reading this that my mother threw me out of the room.
I too like the Kleenex Cottonelle, with the ripples. It is softer than the Scott, and thick enough to use as a tissue in a pinch, yet not so bulky as to necessitate the plunger.
Also, I admire their new ads, which are the closest any toilet paper ad has come to just right out saying, “Use our toilet paper and you won’t leave skid marks in your shorts.” It’s the one where the paper roll unreels over piles of fresh laundry and “talks” to you in a nice British accent. You have to admire their foray into actual honesty, however euphamistically phrased.
I like the 100% Pure Cotton T-paper. It’s the best. Better than using a tree.
I have never understood how wiping with tissue can be considered enough. I use wash with water and soap and nothing less should be enough. I mean, you wash your hands when they need cleaning, you don’t just wipe them. For your posterior tissue is not half enough, you need water and soap.
Uh, slythe? A toilet paper query? Were we testing the efficacy of the new software or something?
Here in Brooklyn, we use corncobs. And will CONTINUE to use corncobs until the Dodgers come back.