I ran out of toilet paper this morning, and since I was working I sent one of my sons to get some. I’m not particularly brand loyal, so as long at it removes, err, serves its intended purposes without scaring, I normally couldn’t care less. So I said ‘just get enough to last the week’ without further clarification; I shop on Saturdays. He came back with a 12-pack of Charmin Ultra, which is way more than enough to last the week, but other than that I thought nothing further of it.
Well I just got finished taking a shit, so let me tell you about the shit that is Charmin Ultra. First complaint, it’s perfumed. For some this might not be a problem, I’m however married to Martha Stewart. This means not only is my bathroom decorated with frilliness and flowers, everyday my wife fills one of those little things with potpourri or something, and it clashed horribly with the freaking paper.
While sitting there and getting light headed, I realize that I’m done and grab a handful of paper, and my second complaint. The paper felt like wiping my ass with a cotton ball. Just whose asshole is so sensitive that they need to wipe it with feathers and a gentle breeze? I’m no Studly McManly who wipes my ass with tree bark, but this paper doesn’t even give me the feeling that I’ve wiped my ass. So of course I grab another handful, hmm, still feels not quite clean. I’m not in the habit of looking at something I’ve just wiped my ass with, so I go for a third handful.
With that third pull comes strike three; the roll is now empty. What! The! Fuck! This roll could have only been placed here at around ten this morning; it’s now only six-thirty. My first thought is that somebody has the trots or maybe a cold. Since my office is opposite the bathroom, and I know nobodies been running back and forth, I dismiss that theory out of hand. So I go to the linen closet and look at the packaging. Guess what: there are only 136 sheets per roll, vs. the normal 600. You sons of bitches, not only do I get to wipe my ass with a fragrant cotton ball, but you’re going charge me more for the privilege of a having a fragrant, not so clean feeling ass! Not. Gonna. Happen. Charmin is now officially on my shit list.
P.S. What the fuck is up with that stylized “Ultra”, and why the fuck is everybody coming out with these lame as excuses to charge you more for less, by placing some lame assed adjective in front of or behind the brand name. Some Marketing guys needs their asses kicked.
P.P.S. It probably won’t last the week either and my as still doesn’t feel clean, I’d dump the shit down the toilet but well….